Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I can hear you, & teaching kids how to think (a 2-parter)

Apparently I'm a mean and rude lady. You might have known that already.
I changed my pool schedule starting this week.  I'm going on Monday and Friday 7-8:50 (110 minutes) and Wednesday 9:45-12:05 (140 minutes) for a total of 360 minutes a week (~36 miles, 6 hours of pool running).  My long-running Wednesday business lunch is now on Thursday so this should work out well, I get some extra workout time.
After over 2 hours of being in the pool, I really really have to pee.  And I know there are swimming lessons in the other side of the pool and babies in "swim diapers" (what a scam) are freely urinating and defecating into the water I'm running in but I cannot bring myself to pee in the pool.
So when I get out I make a beeline for the stalls, rip off my cold wet bathing suit, hang a towel over the gap between door and wall, and pee like the proverbial racehorse.  And because I have Habba syndrome, that usually kicks in too, so I'm in there for a bit before I can get dressed and leave.
I hang the towel over the gap because more than once, I've had people (adults and children) LOOK deliberately through the crack (like put their eye up to it) and COMMENT about my presence on the toilet.  (One person suggested that I wait until I get home to use the toilet.)  I can't imagine why anyone would do that, but they do.
Here is the scene today at about 12:10:  I'm on the toilet just finishing up.  Someone comes in with a child.  The child comes to the stall.  Sticks fingers into the gap, is shaking the door and trying to see in.  (Ah, now the towel makes sense.)  I say, in a calm voice, not shouting, the same way I would say to an adult, "Excuse me, I'm in here."  Because the TOWEL BLOCKING THE DOOR should have told you that, idiot.  The one you had to MOVE ASIDE to get to the gap you're prying at.
Immediately whining starts.  The mother says, very loudly "No you weren't wrong.  How could you have known someone was in there?"  Um, THE FUCKING TOWEL?  Then she brings the child to another stall.  The kid is still whining (I can't understand kid whine, it's just an annoying endless noise with no words to me) about something.  Evidently she didn't use the toilet. The mother says, again loudly, "Well of COURSE you are SCARED since that RUDE lady was so MEAN to you."
I'm 2 feet away in the next stall, thinking, I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BITCH.  And oh, I wanted to say it.  But I'm always afraid one of these helicopter moms will complain about me to the management and I'll be the one kicked out for saying "hey I'm in this stall" instead of them for going off on me for saying that.  Am I supposed to invite your kid in to sit on my lap and piss between my legs?  WTF. 
Once again I did something that seemed reasonable and logical at the time and I'm branded as one of the worse people on the planet.  Osama Bin Laden himself wouldn't have been so needlessly cruel to that child, I'm sure.

Here's something I witnessed the other day. I told my friend about it and she was horrified as well.
I was eating my lunch in a restaurant, reading my Kindle, and having a FB chat with a friend at the same time. A family came in, grandparents, baby, older toddler (4? 5? I'm bad with kid ages).  Another family came in, young parents, infant about the same age as the one with grandparents.  They sit right across the aisle from me; the grandparents are behind them so both tables are close enough for me to hear everything.
The young parents put the child in some kind of seat right there on the bench with them and the kid never made a peep.  They ate quietly, probably fed the kid something it enjoyed (couldn't tell if it was boy or girl).  It was nice sitting next to them and if I'd had an extra coupon I would have given it to them.
The grandparents, OMG.  They fuss and fuss over the high chair, the baby didn't fit properly in the high chair.  The grandmother constantly talked very loudly in baby talk to the baby and the toddler.  She told the toddler that she could not be expected to sit quietly playing with the crayons the waitress had given her and demanded, "Grandpa go and get the ipad from the car, you know she can't just sit here and color!"  So grandpa goes to get the ipad.  (I felt a little bad for grandpa to tell you the truth. I don't think I ever heard him speak.)  While grandpa is understandably taking his sweet ol' time coming back with the ipad, the grandmother is reiterating how the toddler can't be expected to sit quietly with the crayons.  She didn't give the girl a chance to use the crayons or see if she liked to color, just told her she was incapable.
The baby fussed a bit in a normal not screaming baby way.  The grandmother started handing it random things which the kid would then throw onto the floor.  Just in time for Grandpa to come back with the requested ipad, and she demanded that grandpa pick all this stuff up.  The grandma then accosted my waitress (who wasn't hers) and demanded (the only way this woman could speak was in imperatives--you do this!) that my waitress bring crackers for the baby because he would just "fuss and fuss" until he had something to eat and he was used to crackers.
I think by this point I had forgotten I was reading and I was watching these people like TV and describing it to my friend on FB chat.  First off, if the baby is so addicted to crackers and you know he wants crackers why don't you carry some crackers with you?  Second, why are you teaching this child to gorge itself with empty carbs before every meal?  
Meanwhile the other couple and their baby are having a reasonably quiet family meal.  It was such a contrast.
My waitress goes back to taking care of me and her other tables.  The grandma goes after her again, the same story, crying baby must have crackers now.  The whole time the baby is throwing things, mostly keys, onto the floor and poor grandpa has to keep retrieving them because clearly his job is fetcher of items.  The toddler now is whining about something on the ipad, she wants to download new games and she can't.  (The restaurant actually does has wifi and if it had been the nice couple I would have pointed that out but I kept silent.)  So the kid was quiet when she had the crayons and coloring place mat (when her grandmother said she couldn't be quiet) and once she had the ipad to "quiet her down" she started to whine and cry.  Good plan, grandma. 
My waitress brings the crackers, probably in self-defense.  The grandma starts stuffing them into the baby.  That's one way to shut it up, I suppose.
My food comes and I concentrate on eating and reading.  Since I don't have a lot of food, I finish quickly and notice that the young couple has already left, so quietly I didn't notice.
Grandma has spread a napkin in front of the baby.  She is feeding him...wait for it...french fries and mozzarella sticks.  To an INFANT.  That she has already stuffed 3-4 saltines into.  The baby is crying, it obviously wants no part of the fries and cheese but the grandma insists. She says that thing that makes me want to cry. "If you don't eat all your french fries you can't have ice cream."  As I am eating my own ice cream (because I am already a fat ass, wtf does it matter) I watch the grandmother systematically jam fried potatoes and fried cheese into this baby's mouth and seriously I wanted to cry. 
I love fried potatoes.  I love fried cheese.  And look at me, what I weigh.  It's not appropriate to give those foods to an infant in a high chair.  Maybe one bite of each but not as a whole meal.  Remembering it, I am so sad.  I have seen this scene before, parents who make kids finish unhealthy food in large quantities and reward them with dessert.  Why are children fat? I can't imagine.
As I was leaving the grandmother was spooning ice cream into the baby and the little girl was also eating some, quiet at last, the ipad forgotten beside her crayons.

I lumped these stories together because they both are cases of the (grand)parent telling the kid what to think (instead of letting the child learn).  The first mother told her kid it was okay to try to break into an occupied bathroom stall and that I was mean to say anything different.  The grandmother told the toddler that she didn't want to play with crayons (whether she did or not seemed immaterial to the grandma) and that the ipad was a better play choice.  (It's not.  And not because it's an i-thing, but because it's a consumption device, not a creative device.)  She told the baby (via her actions) that it needed to be stuffed with carbs and salt before eating more carbs (with fat) and that it would be rewarded with carbs/sugar for doing so.  And that it was okay to throw keys at grandpa.
It's not that I hate all children.  The young couple and their baby, I had no problems with.  Quite often I see people like that.  But much more often it's more like the eat-all-your-unhealthy-food grandma or helicopter moms at the pool.  No matter what their child does wrong, the child is an ANGEL and anyone who says different is HORRIBLE and MEAN.
Horrible, mean Rosie, over and out.

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Thursday, September 19, 2013

You got birthday cake in my M&Ms...in my everything!

Why does everything have to be BIRTHDAY CAKE flavored lately?  M&Ms are jumping onto the cake wagon now.
I don't want my M&Ms to be cake flavored.  If I want M&Ms I will eat some.  If I want cake, I will eat cake.  If I want cake and M&Ms together I will put M&Ms in my cake or in the frosting.  I do not want to put the cake into the M&Ms.  Yet that is exactly what M&M/Mars is going to do in May.
This is just another thing in a long line of useless, cake scented/flavored products.
I've tasted different (birthday) cake ice cream brands, it just tastes like super sweet white cake and usually has pastel dots in it.  Sometimes it's just called "cake batter" ice cream, but unlike cookie dough it's not hunks of cake in ice cream, it's cake flavored ice cream.  I've tried the brownie batter version (hunks of half-cooked brownies in chocolate ice cream) and it was way too sweet.  And now I realized I've come up with a new thing, someone will put chunks of white cake (with god-awful rainbow pastel sprinkles no doubt) into vanilla ice cream--or maybe the vanilla ice cream will also have the sprinkles.  Like FunFetti cake mix/frosting combos, which is like a weird birthday cake flavored cake thing.
I want chocolate frosting on my white cake, not white frosting and rainbow sprinkles (which, face it, are just pretty bits of pure sugar mixed with wax)!  Now I have to put chocolate frosting on my cake-flavored ice cream to get the right effect.  I don't want to do that.  I've done it.  It's not that great.
And why exactly have I put chocolate frosting on my ice cream?  It was a joke.  My friends were over having dinner outside on the deck with us and we had ice cream for dessert.  One friend said, "What do you have to put on this ice cream?" and I started throwing out lists of mostly inappropriate foods, one of which was chocolate frosting.  My friends then demanded the frosting, and we put it on our ice cream instead of hot fudge and it was only okay.  But now it's a running joke with them as if they think I always eat frosting and ice cream together.
This isn't even all the crazy flavors this brand has!
We can add to this weirdness cake flavored Pinnacle vodka.  Don't get me wrong, I love their chocolate whipped cream vodka (and why, must I ask, does it even exist?), but cake vodka is just weird.  People put whipped cream into drinks so I can understand making alcohol that already tastes like whipped cream (or even chocolate whipped cream) but who pairs birthday cake with alcohol?  (Maybe someone like me who doesn't care for children and being at a kid's birthday party would drive me to drink...)
There are cake and birthday cake scented candles.  Food candles always just make me hungry.  Yankee Candle has some kind of magical machine that can make their candles smell exactly like food and I do not approve at all. (Although I do smell them whenever I'm near a store; then I go buy one of those giant 1,000 calorie cookies someone is always wisely selling nearby--I bet Yankee Candle also owns the 1,000 Calorie Cookie Concession Stand in the mall.)  Their non-food scents, eh, they usually smell like random chemicals to me and I have long haired cats with fuzzy flammable tails so no candles for me anyway.
Cake-flavored lip gloss was probably around when I was a teenager.  Those Bonne Belle things (do they even make them anymore?) came in all kinds of flavors; my mom would buy me a mixed tube for a birthday or holiday gift and I'd use each flavor a time or two and lose them.
And birthday cake Oreos, why are those even a thing?  Why not just eat cake? The cookies sound vile.  I think there might be cake or birthday cake Pop Tarts, again, EAT SOME CAKE.  Grocery stores have single serving cakes (basically an overblown cupcake) for a couple of dollars, eat the real, fresh thing.
I don't understand why all of a sudden, cake is the go-to flavoring.  White cake with no frosting (or with white frosting) just tastes like sugar, all sweetness, no substance.  It's like they want to capture the blandest sweetest part of childhood...in vodka?  really?  Lipgloss?  Candles?  Breakfast tarts?
Now, if M&Ms were to make a chocolate frosting M&M, I'd be all over that.  Then again, I could buy a tub of chocolate frosting and just mix M&Ms into it.  And put it on vanilla cake and call it good.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.
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