Thursday, August 29, 2013

I'm beginning to hate food and I'm swearing about it, plus therapy idiots

I don't get pleasure out of food anymore. I just eat food I don't hate that doesn't make me want to puke from the smell. I don't feel like "oh this is so delicious" I just shovel it in because I have to eat and because it's been more than 4 hours or so since I last ate food (although the doctor I was seeing a year ago said TWO hours which is ridiculous).
There is nothing I want.
There is nothing I crave. (Except to not have to clean the kitchen and do the dishes.)
There is nothing I enjoy.
The best I can summon is "I don't hate this and I don't have to drive to far to eat it and I have a coupon."
Right now I am thinking that I finished lunch around 1 p.m. and it's almost 5 and that means I have to go on the prowl for more food I don't want, or eat some crackers or something at home (dirtying things that I have to wash).  And I can't just eat the fucking crackers because then I go into guilt spasms OH MY GOD CARBS because I've been so fucking mind-fucked by diet doctors.
I have a knee-jerk reaction to being told by someone else what I can and can't eat and that's clearly related to a lifetime of having food neophobia/selective eating disorder and having my food intake already tightly regulated on a daily basis.  If I decide I can't eat something, that's on me (or my crazy brain) but don't YOU come along and tell me I can't eat something that has a hard-won place on my "okay" list.  All you do is narrow my world even more and piss me off.  And don't turn around and say "well you can eat all you like of these foods" which are on my "I don't eat" list.  Because then I want to punch your smug face.  
So the very few foods I did enjoy once, so very few, have been rendered "evil" by having carbs or fat in them.  And those foods now have fear and guilt and shame attached.
I need to eat something (I don't want to).  I don't feel hunger, particularly, unless it's been like 18 hours since I last ate (9x too long!  OMG!  And now you will binge on carbs!  You can't starve yourself like that!).  So here is what I do:
  1. I select a restaurant somewhat nearby with food I don't hate and a coupon in hand.  
  2. I stare at the menu, the few things I like, maybe 4, probably more like 2.  
  3. Should I eat that? No, it's fried.  
  4. Should I eat that?  No it's got bread.  
  5. Should I eat that?  No, it's got sugar.   
  6. Okay now I am out of things on the menu that I will eat.   
  7. So fuck it, give me fried bread and put sugar on it.  (At the church fairs when I was a kid, we called that Fried Dough with Powdered Sugar. Although I always liked the fried dough pizza better, with sauce and cheese instead of sugar.)
Food, and any pleasure I once had in food, has been utterly ruined by doctors and nutritionists and know-it-alls on the internet telling me what I should and should not eat.  "Eat this, not that."  Okay, I don't eat that, any of it.  Next? 
All this is exacerbated by the fact that I got a doozy of an idiot for a new therapist.  Not that I have a new therapist.  The new endocrinologist wants me to see a therapist to get my Wellbutrin prescription as part of the total PCOS package.  Now the Yale endocrinologist just gave me the Wellbutrin but this one won't.  I called the recommended therapist.
"Hi, my endocrinologist needs me to see a therapist to get a new prescription for Wellbutrin."
"What is your issue?"
"I have depression and my other PCOS doctor just gave me the Wellbutrin but this doctor wants me to see a therapist and gave me your name."
"So why do you want to see a therapist?"
"I don't, I just want my prescription."
"We'll call you back."
Week or so later:
"Hello, Rosie?  Why do you want to see a therapist?"
"My doctor says I have to, to get my prescription for depression, for Wellbutrin."
"What other issues do you have?"
"I have an eating disorder but I don't need treatment for that, just the depression."
"We'll call you back."
Few days later:
"Your eating disorder, Rosie, do you eat too much or too little?"
"Neither, I have selective eating disorder, it's like OCD for food, but I'm not interested in treatment for that, I have it under control.  I just need to see someone to get my prescription for Wellbutrin for depression."
"We'll call you back."
I see the endocrinologist again--a month later.  She is upset that I haven't seen a therapist.  I explain that they keep calling me back and asking more questions.  She says that I need to make the appointment ASAP.
A week later:
"Hello, Rosie? We've reviewed your files and the director says you are inappropriate for our practice and says you have to seek treatment for your eating disorder elsewhere.  We suggest the outpatient program at Hartford Hospital." (all day, every day, by the way, group therapy for anorexics and bulimics, talk about inappropriate)
"Wait, I know what that is and it's for anorexia and bulimia, which I don't have.  I don't want treatment for my eating disorder anyway, just for depression.  Aren't you listening to me?"
"We don't treat eating disorders here. You'll have to find someone else."
"Hey my doctor said to call YOU.  For my DEPRESSION."
"Well, tell your doctor we said no."  Click.
Really?  Fuck you.
I leave a message for my doctor, she calls me back the next day, and is going to find another therapist on their recommended list.
Meanwhile I can't find anything I can enjoy eating because it's all contaminated now by bad thoughts put into my head by people who don't FUCKING LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
Here is the list of foods that I eat, doctor.  And that's IT.  
If it says I eat something prepared a certain way, that's the ONLY way I eat it.  If it's not on the list, I don't eat it.  And just in case you don't understand the list of DO EAT, here is a much larger list of things I DO NOT EAT.
Well, Rosie, looking over these lists, this first smaller one is indeed all the foods you need to avoid eating and the larger list contains some of the approved foods I have marked off here.
I DO NOT EAT THE FOODS ON THE LARGE LIST.
You're going to have to start.  Next patient, please.
I have been put on "diets" where I'm only allowed water and green beans after they cut everything from my approved list. 
Or only chicken, grilled, and tomatoes.
Or only processed horrible non-food purchased directly from the doctor that is made only of chemical-type ingredients, not actual food.

To synthesize many diets together:
  • Anything fried or buttered or gravied is bad.
  • Any bread or rice is bad.
  • Carbs in general, bad.
  • Sugar of any type is bad.
  • Fake sugar of any type is also bad.
  • Fruit is a carb, bad.  Fruit sugar is bad.
  • Anything with fat is bad.  Meat has fat and is therefore bad so it must be grilled until it is dry and tasteless.  Taste cannot be replaced by anything but those spices I don't eat (no salt of course, or gravy, or ketchup).   Any kind of meat that might actually okay plain like bacon or a hot dog is not allowed because FAT.
  • Anything with corn is bad, people eat too much corn and don't forget GMO whargabble and evil CARBS
  • Anything with wheat is bad, some people have cialiac disease so no one should eat it plus GMO whargabble plus CARBS.
  • Anything in the deadly nightshade family (tomatoes, potatoes, peppers of any kind) is bad because DEADLY NIGHTSHADE whargabble plus CARBS. 
  • Milk products, carbs, evil, no calories allowed in drinks, plus cheese has fat! And butter is pure evil!  
  • No diet drinks of any kind!  
  • Carrots are CARBS and BAD
  • Nothing from a box or can or frozen because PROCESSED FOOD whargabble (except the doctor who only allows HIS boxed food)
  • What's left: a few veggies, boiled or baked (NO OILS of course) or raw.  No dressing allowed because SUGAR and FAT (not that I eat dressing).  So, back to green beans (not canned because SALT) and water.
I'm gonna go eat some crackers and cry.  Because I am out of Wellbutrin AGAIN.   

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