Monday, September 24, 2012

I don't wanna go to your pity party (off topic)

If you're my friend on Facebook, you know I've been losing my mind the last few weeks. (If you aren't my FB friend, why not?  I'm funny over there too.  Friend me & Follow me.)   There's an out-of-control situation with my husband's family that is making me quite literally insane. It's messing with my weight loss too--not because I"m eating out of control, but because my stress hormones are through the roof.  It's not appreciated by me on many fronts.
This is what's going on.  I'll try to NUTSHELL it, although it's fairly impossible.  My mother-in-law is a hoarder, a typical one like you see on TV, lost her husband and then lost her mind and stopped cleaning, stopped caring, sunk into depression....over FORTY years ago.  IMHO: Get over it.  Throw out your trash and start living your life.
She doesn't like me much.  I know this because last year she wrapped my Christmas gift in white tissue paper and wrote my name on it with a black Sharpie, and then I found out she didn't even BUY me the gift, my sister-in-law did.  My future sister-in-law (my brother-in-law's fiance)'s gift was wrapped in lovely paper with a nice tag that I'm sure MIL picked out herself.  Oh, and she took FSIL & SIL to the opera, invited them both in front of me, and didn't invite me.  Not that I give a crap about the opera, but it's the POINT. 
Another example, it was my husband's birthday and she wanted to have lunch with him.  She picked one of those little fried fish/hot dog places that are everywhere in New England (knowing my absolute hatred of fish).  He went to pick her up, with me in the car.  She came out and tried to get into the passenger seat.  I was already in it.  She stared at me and then said "Oh, I didn't think you were coming."  In other words, "I picked this place because I thought you wouldn't eat there" (which is her usual MO).  I stared back at her and said "I'll walk home if you don't want me here" (cuz truth is, I don't LOVE that place, and wouldn't pick it, but they make a decent hot dog) and she got all flustered and said I didn't have to do that.  I wanted to go home and cry or punch something, I was so sad and angry. 
So there are 3 examples, just in the last year, of how my MIL doesn't like me.
Now she is sick.  I honestly don't know what's wrong, I think she has a brain tumor or possibly early stage dementia.  My husband agrees.  His sister and brother don't.  Therefore no one is taking her to the doctor and she's got no diagnosis and no treatment.  She is filthy (stinky) and incoherent and claims to be blind (that's a long story; I don't believe she is blind.  I think she has some kind of hysterical blindness or the dementia/tumor is in her visual cortex because 2 eye docs say her eyes are fine).  She shouldn't be living alone.  She can't drive.  She won't do anything for herself.  My husband is her slave right now.  It's pissing me off.  She's milking this illness, being deliberately manipulative.  And I've VERY familiar with dementia, unfortunately, and dementia patients aren't crafty enough mentally to manipulate this masterfully when they are as far gone as she pretends to be. If you can follow that. 
Here's a typical exchange.  He calls her. "It's time to go eat at Rosie's mom's house."  Response: some kind of hysteria, I don't feel well, I can't possibly go.  He races to her house.  She breaks down crying, her usual victim-mentality pity-party, no one loves her, she's blind and old and helpless.  My husband has to stay there and console her.  My mom cooked for 4 and now she's stuck with massive leftovers because MIL won't let my husband leave for half an hour to eat his supper.  MIL needs to get out of the house, she needs to go for a drive, so he drives her around while she cries and wails and feels sorry for herself and he tells her how wonderful she is.  (She sounds like a child when she acts like this, it's really annoying and very fake.)  She tells him how much I hate her and how I bully her and order her around and refuse to help her. (Because I told her to clean up her filthy house and I won't feel pity for her.)  She has anti depressants and refuses to take them!  "I don't need those" she said last time I was there filling her 7 day pill dispenser.  But when I went to wait in the car I could hear her crying and wailing about how mean I am and how horrible her life is.  Take your anti depressants, everyone takes them, who cares?  There's no stigma anymore.
Something along these lines literally has happened EVERY DAY for the past 3-4 weeks.  "You have to come now, I lost my glasses."  Run over there. "Oh, I found them."  She doesn't answer her phone, I get a dozen text messages screaming for me to see if she's dead in the hoard (we live near her, sadly).  She unplugged the phone, or shut off the ringer, or broke the charger, or lost the phone (pick one, it's different each time!).
My husband gets mad at ME.  "You don't help my mom."  "I offered to help her clean her house."  "No, that's ordering her around and telling her what to do.  She needs HELP."  "I offered to take her to a geriatric specialist doctor & find out what's really wrong with her"  "My sister says no."  Well, I'm not going over there while she cries and wails and whines like a child for attention and validation.  That's not helping her.  What would help her is getting her a correct diagnosis and treatment for whatever is wrong with her.  If it's dementia or a brain tumor it will only get worse and usually treatment only slows it down, doesn't restore lost function.

Right now we are doing her laundry (at our house of course), buying her groceries, driving her everywhere, buying her food in restaurants.  We can't afford it.   I'm so upset and depressed that I'm sleeping 16 or more hours a day and not doing anything constructive when I'm awake.  I get up at 6, go to the pool, come home at 9:30 and go back to bed until mid afternoon, then I eat something and read and then go back to bed. My husband works 60 miles away, he's gone 12-14 hours on a GOOD day and then he has to go over there for several hours after work EVERY DAY and more on the weekend.
Something's gotta give and I'm seriously worried that it's going to be my sanity or my husband's health.  
Nothing constructive can be done with this situation until she has a diagnosis.  She doesn't want to go to any doctors that aren't eye doctors (and she doesn't even have another appointment with any of them, they've already signed off saying she's not blind).  She won't clean her house until she can see.  I can't spring into action with my patented Rosie the Manager plans until we know what is going on.  I tried using my plans, such as they are, based on nothing, and that only got me scorn and hatred (you order me around!  you're a meanie!).
I spent the most of the last 10 years taking care of a sick father (who had dementia) and a sick grandmother. I'm done with caregiving for the immediate future.  If that makes me selfish, so be it.  My MIL has THREE children who could be helping her and 2 are refusing and that's not fair.  I've got nothing left to give anymore--my mom better stay healthy for a long time! 
Now I'll shut up and go be fat somewhere else.

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