Thursday, August 04, 2011

Is Abuse an Excuse?

Break Up

This is a bit off topic perhaps.
Some overweight women are fat in part due to past sexual and/mental abuse (Rosie raises hand) but that's not what this is about.
This is about a situation between me and someone I thought was a friend. Heavily edited, but the gist is there.
I've known this woman for 20 years and she was in an abusive relationship for most of that time. It really messed with her head. I wasn't friends with her continually because her partner had gone after me and my husband, saying a bunch of mean, untrue things and we dropped them both--they were too entwined for separate friendships. (When we did run into each other we always talked for a few minutes. I never stopped liking her.)
Finally last year she broke away, good for her, and hooked up with someone close to me. We resumed our friendship. I was happy for her and for her new mate. In fact I did her a huge favor (cost me time and money) right before all this went down.
Then she broke up with the new person. I was sad for both of them. I hoped we'd be friends still and she said no. That hurt me, a lot.  I could understand why for 20 years we couldn’t be close—her ex was really an asshole—but I had nothing to do with the current break-up (or so I thought).  I felt punished.
No one, including the person she dumped, had any idea what happened. Everyone said “well she's so messed up after 20 years with (jerk)” --like that excuses any kind of rudeness or strange behavior on her part.
Finally, months later, the “cause” of the breakup was revealed (and you know I don’t misuse quotes…).
Her new mate had sent a text message joking about a trick her dog had done. She took it out of context and decided the whole lot of us were involved in illegal activity she didn't condone. Instead of simply asking “what did that comment mean?” she created a whole fantasy about it. And when the cause was revealed everyone excused her because of the abuse. Mate took her right back (why?), but I felt confused why it was okay for her to treat me and all the other supposed “criminals” around her new mate like dirt, just because her ex treated HER like dirt.
I didn't do anything wrong. Even if her new mate was a crook, I’m not, and didn't deserve to be thought of that way. Neither did her mate (whose worse crime is overuse of his medical marijuana card). But everyone makes excuses for her because “she's messed up from (jerk)’s abuse.”
I was beat up and cheated on for 4 years and I don't turn on innocent people because of it. I don’t make up fantasies about how they are international jewel thieves and career criminals because of a fucking JOKE text message about a dog doing a trick with a camera.
Recently she sent me an email apologizing for speaking "harshly" to me. I didn't answer it. Now of course I’m the bad guy for not taking her back with open arms after she decided I was a criminal based on a joke text someone else sent (that didn't mention me) about a dog.
A joke.  About a dog.  And she destroyed friendships and relationships over this instead of simply saying, “I don’t get it” or “WTF?”
I don't understand why past poor treatment should entitle her (or anyone) to misjudge and hurt others. If she is indeed mentally compromised by this relationship she should seek therapy. Not create hurtful, harmful fantasies about those around her.
I have seen this before—“You must excuse so-and-so for (fill in the blank) because she was (raped/beaten/robbed/lied to/bitten by a spider).”
My past mistreatment comes back to *me*--I don’t make up stories about other people making me fat because my ex beat me up.
I am fat because when I was thin I got beat up when other guys looked at me (knowing that, however doesn't fix it).  So obviously if I am FAT, no guys look at me, hence I don’t get smacked around.  Right?
I don't freak when my husband looks at a thin girl (he's human) or beat him for it. I take responsibility for my behavior, I guess I’m saying. (I hope I do.)
She didn't say in her note “I was mean to you because my ex was mean to me” but she did say her life was “difficult” the day of the breakup when she told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore. Difficult, so you turn on a friend of 20 years who is trying to support you during an inexplicable breakup? I don't get it.
People baffle me. I baffle me sometimes.
This is probably one of those posts that’s going to get a lot of hateful comments saying I’m a selfish insensitive whiny bitch with a huge sense of entitlement. Oh, and I’m fat and lazy too, and I eat like a pig and that’s why I’m fat.
Don’t bother, please, it’s all been said before by others.
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