Tuesday, May 24, 2011

no sympathy for eating disorders and fatties (rant)

I have a Facebook page under my real name, as well as my Rosie account. And on that page, under my real name, what should be 100% the real me, I never talk about the trials of being overweight. Of how annoying it is to be afraid of food.  I don't trumpet my weight losses.  If you didn't see photos of me on that page, you'd never know from just my posts that I'm morbidly obese.
There's a reason for that.  And not just shame (the people who see me IRL know how fat I am).  It's because no one gives a shit.  No one cares that I am fat and I struggle and I cry in the bathroom at restaurants when my food is inedible (to me).  In the real world, there is no sympathy for fat people.  No sympathy for strange eating disorders.  People I just play FB games with don't care, nor do HS friends I haven't seen in 20 years.  My other friends are tired of hearing about it--their attitude is mostly that I am being a "baby" about food and that I need to "grow up".
I can't really judge them or be too sad, because I'm guilty of this too.  When a size-10 friend is madly dieting down to a size 8, all I can think of is slapping her.  When I see bulimics on TV, I don't think "they could die" (I know they can; many bulimic people have written to me about how horrible it is), I just think, "I wish I could throw up like that."  I am grossed out by the visible bones of anorexics and baffled by their continuing view of themselves as overweight.
And that is just as wrong as people hating on me because I'm fat and have strange eating habits.  I KNOW this.  I watch shows about 600 and 800 lb people and I think, "Just stop eating so much!" but meanwhile people who weigh half what I do look at me and think the same thing.  Shit rolls downhill, or maybe it's the immense gravity we have as large people that makes it stick to us.
That's why I had to create Rosie, to have a place to talk about these things.  Sometimes I talk about her as a 3d person.  I mentioned that I had posted something on FB and my friend said "I didn't see it" and I said "I let Rosie post it."  Some days, she feels more real than I do.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Monday, May 09, 2011

When calories don't count (humor) & food fears

I went to a party Saturday night. Before that, I went to The Avenue (everything was 40% off, what a nice surprise) and bought 3 pairs of capris and a new shirt ($41 for all 4 pieces, can't be that!). The pants...size 18/20, not size 28 or 32! And went to the Payless BOGO sale and got jeweled sandals and a new pair of pink-lensed sunglasses. The plan was to be all sexy at the party. Haha. Or at least view myself as sexy through my rose-colored glasses.

I'm not usually much of a drinker. Not for calorie reasons; it's just that I'm usually the designated driver. I wasn't on Saturday. I consumed, well, quite a bit. Let's just say that my friend and I split a whole small bottle of chocolate whipped cream vodka and then half of a big bottle of the same. And a whole can of vodka-infused chocolate whipped cream. I don't know if I want to kiss or kick the person who invented chocolate whipped cream vodka. It's really, really good.  I never had vodka before.  Then again, I don't think there was ever chocolate whipped cream vodka before.  (The whipped cream with vodka in it--don't bother. It's not worth the money.)
Around the time we cracked the second bottle, the question of calories came up.  And this is what the group decided.  Vodka is made from potatoes. Potatoes are a vegetable.  So vodka counts as a veggie. And veggies are unlimited on most diets because they are so low on calories.  So, therefore, vodka has no calories.
We ate birthday cake.  Birthday cake doesn't count if it's really someone's birthday.  And it was TWO people's birthdays.  So the cake had negative calories.
The chocolates didn't count for several reasons.  1) they were wrapped individually in foil. It uses calories to unwrap them.  2)  they had fortunes inside. I'm not sure how that negates calories, but it makes perfect sense when you've consumed half a bottle of vodka.  3) chocolate is made from cacao beans.  Beans are veggies.  See Vodka, above.
I ate half a bag of green grapes.  Those are healthy.  And they are all water.  Water has no calories.  Therefore, grapes have no calories.  Because I have to chew them, they have negative calories.
The negative calories of the grapes and the birthday cake balanced out the hot dog and potato chips. 
The salsa was homemade and healthy (I made it myself!) and it took work for me to make it so that balanced out the chips I put it on. And they were baked tortilla chips, not fried.
So really, I think I came out ahead, calorie-wise!
On a another note, I did indeed make the salsa from scratch--tomatoes, jalapenos, serranos,  limes, onions, and cilantro.  I used a fun little bowl with chili peppers on it that someone gave me as a gift.  It was beautiful salsa with a nice kick.  And I was afraid to eat it.  My husband yelled at me. How could I be afraid of food that I made myself from scratch out of ingredients I already eat?!  I just stood paralyzed in my kitchen staring at the bowl with the spoon sticking out of it.  Couldn't do it.  Fucking stupid ass eating disorder.  Eventually I did eat it (after some vodka quelled my fears) but it really pissed me off.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Photos of Rosie (2 years apart)

I think these are the same pants. Obviously a different shirt. I don't know my exact weight in the 2008 pic but since May 2009 I've lost almost 100 lbs.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

I'm tired of trying to lose weight...

I'm tired of trying to lose weight. I've been trying to lose weight my whole life. I've wanted to lose weight. I've wished to lose weight.
It's a bunch of bullshit.
From now on, I'm not trying, wishing, wanting, hoping.  I'm doing.  

When I was in elementary school, a teacher gave us a short and sweet lesson on trying that I've been thinking a lot about lately.  He told everyone to stand up. Then he told us to try to sit down.  We all sat down.  He made us get up again. "I told you to try to sit, not to sit."  We all hovered halfway down over our chairs, completely confused.  None of us knew how to try to sit.  We only knew how to sit.
Trying, wishing, wanting, hoping--they are all completely and utterly futile.  It's putting energy into the wrong direction. It's waiting for the bus to come to your house when the stop is at the corner.  If you have to get on the bus, you need to go to where the bus is (or will be).
Everything I've been doing is wrong.  It's just creating angst and stress.  It's micromanaging.  There is another way.  Nike commercials have been telling us for years.
Just do it.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.