Wednesday, November 17, 2010

ch-changes...

A constant reader and good friend said I should write down how I have changed. So when those naysayers are in my face saying "you aren't fixed" I can refer to the list and know that I might not be "fixed" to their standards, but I'm way better than I was. 

  1. The biggest change:  I'm not afraid of new food.  My god, that's huge.  Someone says, "hey, try this, it's good" and I take the fork or the sandwich and I eat it.  And sometimes it is good.  And sometimes (mostly) it is not.  But I am not crying and shaking and in fear and asking basically for an MSDS (material safety data sheet) on exactly what's in the forkful of rice or mouthful of chicken sandwich.  Just a couple of months ago, I cried (real tears) when my husband tried to get me to eat a piece of chicken in a restaurant.  Yesterday I ate a bite of everything on my mom's plate when we went out for supper--trading her bites of mine as well.  If that was the only thing I took out of my week in Pennsylvania, I'd be happy.
  2. Portion Control:  I was doing pretty well on my own with this, but I've learned how to cut back even more. I went from 1200 calories a day to closer to 900 (with an occasional foray up to 1200 but I used to foray up to 1600, which is where Yale wants me--1600 calories a day).  The golf ball helps immensely.  I have not been able to get down to eating only a golf ball sized portion but I've cut way back.
  3. Food Choices:  This ties back into #1.  I have tried new foods, or healthier versions of foods I already liked, and now I can choose a grilled piece of chicken rather than a fried piece of chicken.  That doesn't mean I never eat a fried piece of chicken...but I eat it a lot less.  Since I came back I've had dessert exactly once (a single one split with 2 friends). I've eaten cookies twice (homemade, not store bought, and not the whole plate, just a couple).  There is no "instant" food in the house--nothing that I can just pick up and eat, besides various fiber/protein bars. Everything has to be cooked and therefore has to be considered carefully and most of the time it gets discarded.  Because I don't want the hassle of cooking and cleaning up and because of the next improvement....
  4. Motivation:  I have been down as low as 114 lbs (18.5 BMI) as an adult.  I know what I look like at every weight from there up to almost 400 lbs.  My goal is a reasonable 145-150 lbs (24.9 BMI).  I was that weight for a long time.  I have that picture in my head.  Do I want a cookie? Do I want all that butter on my popcorn?  Or do I want to be that girl again, in those skinny fun clothes (around size 8-10)? (Not that I can be 21 again, but you know what I mean.)
  5. Fish:  I don't like the smell any more than ever, but I don't run crying out of restaurants anymore or demand instantly that my food be boxed.

Where do friends and family think I've failed miserably? A bunch of dumb stuff.
  1. I'm still afraid of spiders.  Really?  You expected weight loss therapy to fix spider phobia? The only reason we worked a bit on bridges was because I had to drive home 5 and a half hours over a bunch of them.
  2. I still don't like lettuce, mayonnaise, mustard, sour cream, ricotta, or fish (among other things) and I still won't eat them.  Somehow the "I will fix my eating disorder and be able to try NEW foods" translated to those around me as "I will eat anything and everything" which was never the point, or the intent, and never even discussed. 
  3. I still ask for most meals in restaurants customized.  I'm not sure why that's not even a problem. Every season on The Biggest Loser they have a episode where Bob and Jillian take the contestants to a restaurant and teach them how to choose healthful foods and ask for healthful options--dressing on the side, no oils, no chip or bread basket on the table, etc.  But friends and family have to roll their eyes as I order.  And roll them more when inevitably the plate is wrong and I have to send it back.  And roll them a third time when I immediately pack 3/4 of the meal into a box to facilitate portion control.
  4. I haven't reached my goal weight and it's been a whole 3 weeks.  It's only 127 lbs, what's the problem?  I haven't even reached 100 lbs lost.  Yes, I did hope to hit 100 lbs by Thanksgiving and I don't think it's going to happen, it's only 8 days away.  But I fully expect to be there by Yule.  (And my odd reward to myself is going to be to visit a plastic surgeon and have him look at my arms and breasts. I know he won't do my breasts yet but my arms are a major problem and are going to start impeding me from wearing clothes that fit.) (Also my mom said she'll buy me a bunch of new clothes at 100 lbs lost and at goal weight, whoo hoo)
All this is all fodder for the cannon, I guess.  Maybe I should print out the first half and carry it in my purse with me so when people bitch at me that I'm still fucked up and not fixed I can read it to them.  I wish I could shrug and say "Sorry I'm such a failure in your eyes and that you have no confidence in me and can't find it in your heart to support me."
And thanks to my buddy who suggested this exercise--it was very helpful!



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eat to live, eat when you're hungry

I'm slowly working my way through the official published Gastric Mind Band book (Shirrans' Solution). It's very badly written (self published) which annoys me on a whole 'nother level...but there's some contradictions that are driving me nuts (and I'm only halfway through).  The book varies in some parts from the therapy I received because theirs is more generic and mine was very specialized.  I'm trying to pick up any extra nuggets I can.
I have a phone therapy appointment Friday to talk about the whole "you aren't fixed" issue and I'm going to bring these crazy-making things up too.
It could be that I am just always playing devil's advocate and I have to twist things around and make them complex...or maybe other people don't read as carefully as I do and remember like I do and process things like I do. 
The book stresses to eat when you're hungry.  If you are not hungry, don't eat.  Don't eat just because it's 6 p.m. or because someone offers you food or you think you want food.
That makes absolute perfect sense to me.  Right?  (There's more, of course, having do with portion control, but that's not what I'm getting confused about.)
The book stresses you should eat 3-4 times a day.  And always eat breakfast.
I'm not hungry 3-4 times a day--I'm usually hungry twice.  And if I eat when I first wake up I get sick to my stomach.  Plus I go to the pool first thing (6:50 a.m.) and I know from years of experience I feel terrible and have less energy and am sluggish if I go with food in my belly.
So what is it?  Eat 3-4 times a day or eat when I'm hungry?
It's like when I was doing the 5 day cleanse.  The cleanse instructions said eat as much as you want of the (hardly any) allowable foods.  But the GMB therapy is PORTION CONTROL.  Eat to the golfball.  Can't do both.  That's partially what derailed me.
But wait, there's more.   You should eat to live, not live to eat.  Food is fuel.  There shouldn't be any more attachment, emotion, or stress over having a meal than you have filling your car with gas when the tank gauge is on E.   Very Buddhist, all that non-attachment/detachment.   You shouldn't spend the time between meals thinking about what you're going to eat at your next one.  (I wish.  Will I EVER get to that point?)
But then they have a whole section on eating what you enjoy.  How you should always eat the thing on your plate you like the most FIRST.  If you save it for last, you will over eat to fit the "good stuff" in. 
Here is a funny aside.  When my mom was little, she always ate the frosting last when she had cake or a cupcake.  Her grandpa (my great grandpa) told her that she should always eat the frosting FIRST because if she died in the middle of the cupcake someone else would get to eat her frosting.  I always thought that was a very weird thing to tell a child. (They told it to me too--so I take my cupcake apart and put the bottom on top so frosting is in the middle; that solves the whole problem!)  A child enjoying dessert drops dead.  The first thing you do is FINISH THE CUPCAKE?  Weird, weird, weird.
The other thing about that is, what if the thing I like the most is the least healthy thing on the plate? Don't I want to fill up on the healthier options first?  Isn't that why you divide your plate and most of it should be veggies and fiber and very little empty carbs and fat and protein?   Shouldn't I try to fill up on salad or green beans or veggies so I haven't got room for the less important/less healthy food (even if it's beloved)?  Do I do the bad parent thing--if you eat all your veggies you can have a biscuit with butter?  Or say fuck the veggies, I want the biscuit with butter?  (Don't lecture me on butter, that's not the point of this)
Love the food you put into your body and your body will love you and respond.  That's very beautiful.  But I don't love gasoline when I put it in my car.  The only dilemma is do I have Stop and Shop points for discount gas or should I go to the cheap BP station?  I don't care either way, I just want to pay less.  My car only cares that it has gas in it, it runs the same on either brand.
So do I love and savor my food, chew it oh-so-slowly and enjoy it while it's in my mouth (because your tummy has no taste buds)?  Or do I practice the Buddhist way of non-attachment? 
Combine this kind of thinking with mental OCD (the Wellbutrin helps, but not 100%) and my mind is churning, churning, churning.  I only ate once today...but I'm not hungry...I can't eat all that....must eat favorite first...must eat healthy first....must not think about food...must plan out my meals to be healthy portions and selections...
Fuck it, I'm going to eat a Fiber One bar and go to bed.





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Monday, November 15, 2010

"you aren't fixed"

When I came home from my Gastric Mind Band therapy almost a month ago, everyone around me was all into it, all supportive. "how can I help you?" "what can I do to support you?"
A month on, here is the reality of that help and support. It doesn't exist. It ain't happening.
If I do ANYTHING at all that other people don't approve of... Like ask for help killing a spider. Complain that my food is wrong in a restaurant. Say that I don't want to go to a sushi bar. Refuse to touch the dirty cat food dish. The response is, "I thought you were getting that issue fixed." "I thought you were learning to deal with that." "You aren't fixed, you wasted all that money." "Aren't you supposed to be over all that now?"
It's like I was a car with a broken engine part, the engine got fixed but people are complaining the car wasn't washed and the tires are bald.  It was FOUR DAYS.  The world can't get fixed in FOUR DAYS.
So what has changed, really? Nothing. No one is helping me or supporting me in real life. Some people on the internet are, but they can't go out to eat with me or cook with me.  IRL, it's the same old, same old. "Rosie's fucked up, Rosie's crazy, Rosie spent thousands of dollars on therapy and she's still not right."
It's really discouraging.  I can see some changes, maybe not the huge ones I hoped for, but I'm definitely different.  Everyone else sees what hasn't changed.  
I'm realistic. I know that even with therapy and hypnosis that it takes a while for things to really change and settle in.  Everyone expected me to come home and eat anything and everything, and never complain about anything again, and lose 10 pounds a week.  Because that's not happening instantly (and frankly probably never will), I'm deemed a failure.  People expected 4 days to overcome almost 40 years of habits.  Can't happen.  I didn't expect that, mind you, I'm talking about those around me.
I just want to stay in bed all day and cry. 


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I don't like being a yardstick

This is starting to piss me off. In conversations about other people, my weight/size is the measuring stick by which all other overweight people are judged. "He was even bigger than YOU, Rosie." "She's fat, but not as fat as Rosie." "A woman about your size, Rosie..." I got so annoyed the other day that I said something to the person, along the lines of when did I become the fat person poster child?  Why does everyone who is not thin have to be compared to me?  There are other, more famous, fat people.  How about the comedians Ralphie May and Gabriel Iglesias?  Can't use Oprah, she changes her size too much.  How about Queen Latifah?
Any of my fat readers...do you have this problem?   Does it bother you? 


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Thursday, November 11, 2010

sweets for the sweet

My mom always says that I am a "sweet freak" and a "chocoholic" and will tell anyone who will listen that sweets and chocolate are my downfall.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and somehow we got onto the subject of dessert. Since I came back from Pennsylvania, I haven't had dessert yet. The only chocolate I had was half a bar of Choco-Perfection (at $5 a bar, I can't afford them, so I have to make the 3 Deb gave me last!), a glass of chocolate milk, and a hot chocolate. That is also the sum total of all the sugar I've had. (I'm not stressing over the small amounts of so-called added sugar in some other foods.)  The Choco-Perfection actually doesn't have any sugar in it, so it only counts toward chocolate.
I haven't eaten anything outrageous at all.  My daily calories have dropped from about 1200 to around 900 although there's been a few days of around 1100.  Is it working? I don't know. Sometimes I feel great and I think everything's going well.  Other days I am frustrated and unhappy.  I am seriously considering become bulimic.  I don't know how to make myself throw up.  And throwing up is gross. But it does seem like a way to have cake and eat it too....or to have cake and eat it and then not eat it.  I know bulimia causes its own set of problems and haven't I got enough problems already? 

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I never said I was perfect

I've been getting some really hateful comments on my blog again. Every once in a while I get onto the radar of someone and they just won't let up. I'm not letting all the comments through, some are that bad. And it's very discouraging.
Let me make this absolutely clear: I am not forcing you to read this. And I never said I was perfect.
This blog is my HONEST thoughts. So yes, sometimes I come off like an asshole, because sometimes I am one. So are you. Especially when you leave rude comments, pointing out that in 2007 I said my favorite color was blue and in 2009 I said it was pink. Or whatever. That one day I like cheeseburgers and another day I don't.  Guess what? I 'm a REAL FUCKING PERSON.  Real people are not 100% consistent. 
I'm trying to chronicle what it's like to live as a fat person in the U.S. It's not an easy life. It's turbulent and often unhappy. "Experts" offer conflicting advice that confuses me. I change my mind on what I want.  I get frustrated and annoyed some days and on other days I feel confident and empowered.
I'm willing to bare my soul, to put myself out there.  I might inspire you.  I might disgust you.  It takes courage to do this.   But attacking me and telling me what a piece of shit I am helps no one.
If you don't like my blog, stop reading.  Delete the book mark.  Go on your merry way, but do it quietly.  If you like it, then comment and say so, and stick around and enjoy the ride that is my crazy, fat life.


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Jollux

A friend just shared a link with me, with 20 obsolete but fun words we should all try to use and resurrect.
The one I like is JOLLUX, Noun - Slang phrase used in the late 18th century to describe a “fat person” – Although I’m not sure whether this word was used crudely or in more of a lighthearted manner, to me it sounds like a nicer way to refer to someone who is overweight. “Fat” has such a negative connotation in English, but if you say “He’s a bit of a jollux” it doesn’t sound so bad!
I wonder if this word has anything to do with the idea of fat people being jolly.  I would love to work it into conversation, but unfortunately I have no idea how to pronounce it. Joe-Luxe?  Joe-Lou?  Ideas?


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Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Britain's formerly fattest teen regains her title :(

This makes me both sad and angry. Georgia Davis, who is now 17, went to a fat farm in the U.S. last year and lost half her body weight. She wasn't skinny by any means, but she was probably a lot healthier. A doctor had told her she wouldn't live to be 20 if she didn't lose weight. Then when she did, her life expectancy went to 80 years.
She came home half the girl she used to be, to a family who didn't support her, and back to terrible eating habits, and she's now fatter than she was.
The sidebar to the article lists her daily diet:

  • 3 bowls of sugary cereal
  • Sausage rolls and pies
  • 6 packets of crisps
  • Pile of sandwiches
  • A chocolate cake
  • Chips
  • 21 digestive biscuits
  • Ready meals
  • KFC takeaway
  • Chunks of cheese
  • Litre of coke
Because English people don't speak American, I have no idea what some of that stuff is.  Ready meals?  Like MREs in the military or like microwave/tv dinners?  How many sandwiches in a pile?  What is a sausage pie?  Digestive biscuits sound healthy, so probably they aren't if she's eating them. How big is the chocolate cake? My weirdest thought about that list is "she eats all that and only ONE liter of Coke?!"
screenprint of original
Britain's fattest teen, again

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