Thursday, July 22, 2010

dear lady in the pool with the float weights...

Dear Lady in the Pool with Float Weights:
What are you doing? Or rather, what do you THINK you are doing?
You do understand, don't you, that Styrofoam pool "weights" don't actually weigh anything?  They are for use in resistance exercise IN THE WATER.   Instead of lifting them against gravity, like you would with a traditional 5 lb hand weight, you push them down against buoyancy under the surface of the water.
Walking back and forth in the shallow end, clutching the weights ABOVE the surface of the water, and pumping your arms, doesn't do anything.  The foam weights weigh only a couple of ounces each.  
You are only making yourself look like an ignorant fool. Please, please stop.
Sincerely,
Rosie-who-runs-for-hours-in-the-same-pool-and-can't-stand-to-see-you-do-this-anymore
(image source)

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OCDs are crazy and are making me crazy

My eating disorder is like an OCD.  I need total control over my food.  I have to know what it is, how it's prepared.   I have to be able to modify it.   The thought of eating something random that's put in front of me, not knowing what it is, what's on it, I can't imagine.   Showing up at someone's house and there's a meal already laid out and sitting down to eat it.  How can anyone DO that?  It's completely alien to me.
I think, honestly, what I need is some kind of anti-anxiety drug.  Because "anxiety" about sums up how I feel about weird foods (weird=anything unknown, never eaten, or about which nothing is known).  I actually will start to get shaky and sick to my stomach if confronted with weird food.
And lately I've been trying to analyze my food problems (and I will continue to do so, as part of my Gastric Mind Band preparation), and that seems to be somehow making it WORSE.  And the OCD wants badly to spread from food to other things.  The underlying problem/aspect of contamination in my food wants to spread to become a germ phobia.   Yesterday I went to the pool in the afternoon rather than in the early morning (and I did almost 2 hours straight, thank you very much) and there was a mom-and-baby class in the pool.  I hate babies, everyone knows that, so I was unhappy.  But I started thinking about all those disgusting poopy pissy shitty diapers in the pool with me and THEN I started getting completely skeeved out and my skin was crawling and I felt like screaming.  I knew, absolutely knew, that if I allowed myself to leave because the pool had dirty diapers in it that I'd never come back.  Leading to the lymph edema taking over my legs and my life,  leaving me crippled and weighing 600 lbs and being taken out of the house by a crane through the back wall.  (Funny how so many of my decisions seem to lead there.  That's a well-traveled road in my head.)


My husband was deliberately trying to upset me the other day.  I was eating chicken tenders and he was telling me they (and the fries) are cooked in the same oil as the fried fish.  Honestly no place would do that and spoil the flavors, even McDONALDS has a separate vat of oil for fish!  (I worked there, so I know that for a fact.)  But he got it in my head, like a niggling little worm that won't stop.  My friend (one of the supportive ones) got really angry with him for doing that.  Instead of making me shrug and say "oh well fish isn't that bad if this is cooked with it" (which is my husband's goal) she understands that fear of eating food cooked in fish oil will drive me deeper into food OCD and eating disorders.

I like queso.  I was looking up how to make it, and about half the recipes have sour cream or some other hateful ingredient.  So I stopped looking and told myself that the queso that I like obviously doesn't have sour cream in it, right?  No one would take my order for something sans sour cream and then not mention it's in the queso I get on the side?  Right?

My newest thing: dishes and glasses that aren't clean enough.  I have never liked drinking water out of a glass. I like to drink it out of the bottle or out of a paper cup.   I feel like, when I drink it out of a glass, that it tastes like dish water.  Like the glass was in dirty dish water, and then it air-dried, and putting spring water into it re-activates the dish water and that's all I can taste.  My mom is a clean freak and washes her dishes by hand at temperatures so high her hands steam when she takes them out of the water.  My mom doesn't have dirty dishes at her house.  She gave me a glass of spring water.  It tasted like dishwater.  I couldn't drink it.  Now my niggling OCD mind worm is whispering that everything I drink from a glass is contaminated with dishwater.  I might as well just drink the dishwater out of the pan.  And who knows what else was washed in that water, maybe cat dishes contaminated with fishy gross cat food.  I should just run down to Stop and Shop and buy a bunch of paper plates and cups and then I'll be fine.  I'll get everything to go in restaurants so it won't touch a dish.  But what about the pans?  Argh.
I know some of you are probably laughing. It's funny when it's not happening to you, in your head.

I went to see Inception this weekend.  I liked it a lot.  The central idea, of course, was going inside someone's mind and planting an idea in such a way that the person would never have any idea the thought wasn't original.  And they did it.   Please come into my head and into my dreams and erase this stupid OCD, please.  
Just don't use an IV for the drug, I pass out when you stick needles into my veins.  That's a problem for another day.


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gastric mind band--coming soon to Rosie!!

I blogged about the gastric mind band about a year ago.  Basically, it's a form of hypnotism that makes you think you had a gastric banding operation (like a Lapband or Realize band) for weight loss/portion control.  Because blogs are awesome and people actually read mine once in a while, someone wrote to me to tell me that Gastric Mind Banding has come to the U.S. and even kindly put me in touch with the person who does GMB for the East Coast.
I talked to this lady for about an hour on the phone.  It's 4 full-day sessions, only one of which is the actually GMB therapy. The other days set up proper eating habits, etc, and address problems (using "a combination of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and NLP.")  Problems like my stupid eating disorder.  Which she thinks she can fix.  I don't think she can fix it 100% (after over 30 years, I think some things are too entrenched, like my hatred of fish-odors), but if she can dial it down my life would be so much easier.  She promises it's not aversion therapy and I won't have to smell or eat fish to be cured of my fish-terrors.
It's not horribly expensive.  The bigger expense will be 4 nights in a hotel in Philadelphia, and gas to drive there and back.  Hopefully by October (that's how far out she's booking!  Awesome, right?) my vehicle situation will be straightened out.  My car is not allowed to leave town, much less the state, and my husband certainly can't take it to work for the week I'll be gone.  (He carpools, but his carpool buddies are men and therefore totally random on who's driving which day.)
The woman who will be doing my therapy is part of Elite Clinics and gmband.com.  I sent in my deposit yesterday.   I'm feeling nervous, but it's so far away in time that I'm not dwelling on it.  Not like I am on my poor car, which is immediate and near death.
Anyway, a few of my friends are VERY against me going down there and having this therapy.  I don't understand.  Yeah, I've lost 74 lbs on my own, but I'm struggling mightily now and still have 140 lbs to go.  I need some more help.  All the drugs and supplements Yale's put me on might have fixed some invisible stuff that was wrong inside, but that hasn't resulted in major weight loss.  In fact, I was doing better losing weight BEFORE I started going there!    Having friends tell me to "stop being a baby" and just eat whatever's in front of me is not helpful.  Mocking my anxiety and feelings of uncomfortableness around certain foods also doesn't help.  I HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY HEAD.  If I counted everything I ate before I ate it, or had to cut it into a certain number of pieces, it would be a more visible manifestation and maybe I'd get compassion instead of derision.  Which I am sick of, let me tell you.


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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

greasy carbs

I've been trying analyze my food. At one point, a therapist asked me about some of my favorite foods and why I liked them--what specific thing, texture, flavor, smell, whatever, attracted me to that food.   I thought of that again the other day and starting applying it to everything I eat and trying to find some commonality.
And I found it.
Greasy bread.  Greasy carbs.

  • Pizza?  Bread with cheese on it.  Greasy carb.
  • Garlic bread?   Bread with oil on it.  Greasy carb.
  • Burgers?   Meat on greasy bread.
  • Chicken tenders?  Meat with greasy bread on it.
  • French fries?  Greasy potatoes.  Greasy carb.
  • Fajitas, chimichangas, quesadillas?   Tortilla with meat and greasy cheese.
  • Tortilla and potato chips? Greasy carbs.
  • Chocolate chip cookies?  Flour, sugar, butter.  Greasy carb.

I think only ice cream and candy bars don't fit that mold.  And I don't eat either one very often.  I'm still figuring them out.   They both have sugar (carbs) and fat, so it may be back to greasy carb.  I eat some fruit, but not a lot, but fruit is healthy and I don't feel the need to analyse it.
The absolute only thing I love that's not a greasy carb is diet pepsi and I love the bite of the phosphorus at the back of my throat.
So I need to figure out what's going on in my body that I need to have greasy carbs all the time.   I hope going to get treatment for my eating disorder in October is going to help, especially with this new self-knowledge.


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Rosie's bingo wings




-- via my Palm Pre Plus

Facebook Friends......

I just did a huge Facebook friend purge, of people I don't know IRL (in real life) and who I assume friended me for gaming purposes, but then never friended me in any games. If you were my FB friend because you read my blog, and now you aren't, please re-friend me and PUT A NOTE saying you read my blog. Then I will put you on my blog-reader list and you won't get deleted.
If you want to friend me on Facebook, I am Persnicula Rose Young. I play Fishville, Farmville, Frontierville, and Petville, but not very intently.


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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Shake Weights and Bingo Wings

You have all seen the commercials for the Shake Weight. Lots of young, slim, pretty girls basically giving a dumbbell a hand job.  My husband used to have hysterics when the ads first started.  He could not believe it was a real product.
The sad thing is, the Shake Weight probably really does tone your arms.  It seems reasonable.  What it will not do is make your arms not be flappy and flabby anymore.  In a totally unscientific way, I will guess that 95% of people whose arms are flabby/flappy have loose skin and or fat upper arms.  Guess what?  No matter how toned and strong your upper arms are, the flab and loose skin will still be ON TOP.  Only an arm lift (brachioplasty) can fix that.
This ad, like many other single-function exercise paraphernalia ads, relies on the fallacy of spot reduction.  (My good friend Joe who is a fitness expert wrote an excellent new article on spot reduction, with all the whys and wherefores of why it doesn't work.)  Basically, spot reduction is the magical-thinking idea that you can work on a single area of your body obsessively and make just that part smaller. 
And trust me, no one wants spot reduction more than I do.  My arms are hideous.  I've lost over 20% of my body weight but my arms are only 9% smaller around.   They are bigger than my head.  They flap.  When I am working out in the pool, the flaps actually somehow get caught between my arm and my body. I have to do this little shoulder roll at the same time I stick out my elbows (it's kind of poetry in motion) to free them.  I am so annoyed every time I get a new fat-lady catalog in the mail or visit a fat lady store and see all the sleeveless items or items with little cap sleeves.  It's not vanity--no one wants to see my arm flaps.  I went out in public with a sleeveless shirt on, my arm flaps would be on People of Walmart the next day (whether I went to Walmart or not; I'm not convinced every picture was taken in a Walmart) with tons of snarky comments.  
So will I buy the shake weight?  No.  I don't buy trendy gimmicky fake weight loss as-seen-on-tv items (no matter how good the ad is--and the shake weight's ad is not good).   Even if it did tone my arms, #1 they don't need toning, they are already strong and #2 the toned muscles would be hidden under pounds of arm fat flaps.   So why bother? I wouldn't even buy them at a tagsale. Or at the dollar store.

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Thursday, July 08, 2010

World's Fattest Man (new TV series)

Watching the first episode of World's Fattest Man, a new Discovery Health series about a huge man from England (795 lbs, 130 BMI)) trying to get bariatric surgery. It is heartbreaking. Paul Mason is too heavy and big to even move to the hospital--not with a bariatric ambulance or with a helicoptor or any way.   They think the floors of the hospital won't even hold him (and it's a hospital that's done thousands of bariatric surgeries and has a surgery table that holds up to 950 lbs but still isn't large enough for him). He's basically on disability and the British government pays for him to have round the clock nursing care since he's been bedridden for over 2 years. He mortgaged his mom's house and ate his way through the money and she lost her house.
He talks about "thinking outside the box" for a way to get him to the hospital. Call a zoo and ask how they transport elephants.  Humiliating but better than ending up on a flatbed truck like the guy from Mexico (the previous world's fattest man).  
It's worth watching for how horrifying he looks in his nakedness.   Makes me want to run to the stair machine.
(image source)

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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

it never ends

Maybe it's me. I don't know. But it seems like a lot of people around me are very negative lately.  A friend of mine lost some weight and turned all self-righteous.  "I just lost 20 lbs, I can't eat that/there.  I'm on a diet."  If I point out to her that "on a diet" thinking is temporary thinking and her 20 lbs will come back when her "diet" ends, she'll get angry at me.  Meanwhile she's criticizing me (and my mere 72 lb weight loss) and making rude comments about my food choices.  Whenever SHE picks a place to eat, she'll say "They have chicken fingers, you'll eat there" (even though I only order them regularly at two places I eat at) and in the next breath say "you can't lose weight eating chicken fingers."  Oh, you mean at the restaurant YOU chose BECAUSE the chicken fingers were on the menu?  It's getting kind of annoying.  Help me, or shut up.  
And now there is something wrong with my car. It's old and high mileage.  I was hoping to squeeze a couple more years out of it.  But it's getting to the point where the car is worth almost nothing and the repairs cost what the car is worth...without making it worth more.  Let's say my car is worth $1000 (and that's pushing it) doing $1000 worth of repairs still leaves it valued at $1000.  But I can't afford to buy another car.  What am I going to get, another car worth $1000 that's a piece of junk and needs expensive repairs? I've already got that!  And at least I love my car, which I bought brand new, and I know everything that's been done to it. With a random $1000 piece of crap I could end up worse off.   A few people around me say to get mine fixed (although doing so won't stop something else major from breaking) and a lot of them just use the broken vehicle as an excuse to attack me personally.  "Well if you had a job you could afford a car."  "If you weren't so fat you could get a retail job."  (It's not my fat, it's my lymph edema preventing me from doing a stand-up type job.  But people don't get that.)  Sometimes I really hate people.      Of course there's those who say "just buy any random cheap car, you can't be picky when you're broke."  That's kind of true, but I have a very weird driveway and I'm not buying anything that won't make it up/down.  I don't want to leave the car in the road year round (plus in the winter it'll get towed, has to be in the driveway when the plows come).  But my obviously insane insistence that any vehicle I purchase (new or used) has to be able to navigate my driveway is basically treated like my eating disorder.  Stop being dramatic, stop being a baby, and just do it.
I know my life is overly complicated and believe me I'd like it to be less so.  But the people ordering me around aren't going about the correct way to help me.


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