Wednesday, December 29, 2010

piggy pig pig pig

I ate so much today. I am very unhappy with myself. I can point fingers, but it was my decision to eat what I did.
I had lunch with my friend. I intended that to be the majority of my food for the day. We got free dessert (and ate it).
I was supposed to watch movies with a different friend at night and I was going to have a snack with her. It was going to be a good food day.
Then at 3 pm a different friend called and said "whatcha doin, I'm parked in your driveway." She's on this weird diet and every 10th meal she can eat what she wants and it was her 10th meal and she wanted to go out. My other friend called and bailed on movies cuz she was sick. So I went to eat with my surprise visitor. I had not a lot of food, but not GOOD food. Then we drove around trying to find her a new Bluetooth because she left hers at a gas station back home in Pennsylvania and then we ended up having ice cream.
I haven't worked out for a week and can't for another week. Although my foot isn't broken it still hurts like hell (probably bruised bones) and still can't really walk well. I can't work it off, I'm stuck with all this in me. I wish I could puke. I want a how-to on bulimia. 
I feel bloated and horrible and I refuse to put in my calorie count because I'll probably cry. I'm sure it's over 2,000. Not that I do this often but lately I'm around 1000 and trying to be so good.
We all fail. I'm not quitting or beating myself up. It is what it is.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

short n sweet

When I was at the doc yesterday my blood pressure was 115/72 (and I was feeling very stressed and thought it would be high!)...for many years (forever) it had been 130/80 every time. Unfortunately they didn't say what my pulse was, but I know it's down from the 90s to the 70s.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Falling...

I am so angry with myself. Last night my husband was out with friends. I'd had a lovely day, spent it with a friend I hardly see (the one who is also my personal trainer), then dinner with my mom. I was ready to go to sleep and I realized one of my cats wasn't around, I called her and she didn't come. I needed to find my book so I started downstairs to see if the cat was locked in the basement. Halfway down the stairs I saw her on the couch grinning at me. I was scolding her for not coming when I called, and then boom! I was on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. My ankle made a horrible noise. Still not sure if it's broken yet. Of course, my left ankle, my lymphedema leg, which is of course HUGE this morning from the trauma.
So I'm in just my panties, big huge fat me, on the floor, crying in pain.  My cell phone is upstairs in the bedroom with everyone's phone numbers.  I had to crawl into the kitchen.  Why exactly is the kitchen phone so damn high off the floor?  I am going to remedy that as soon as I can walk again.  I was trying to find something to hit the cordless phone with to knock it to the floor.  I needed an "I've fallen and I can't get up" pendant for sure.  I finally got the phone to the floor and called my husband who of course didn't answer.  I've always said to him, "Someday I'll be dead in a ditch and you won't know because you didn't answer the damn phone."  I left a message (not like he ever plays them) and kept calling and calling and calling.  Eventually he answered, pissed off, "I can't hear you" and I 'm screaming "I fell down the stairs!  I broke my ankle!" and he hangs up on me.  Eventually he answered again and said he'd come home.
Meanwhile I'm thinking, should I call 911?  Then I think, I'm 275 lbs, basically naked.  The doors are locked.  They're going to bust in the door (and who pays for that!?) and I won't fit on a gurney and they won't dress me and I"ll be naked on some makeshift broken door improvised gurney and end up on Cops or some fucking reality show with my giant naked long boobs blurred out for people to laugh at.  Nope, not happening.
Finally my husband comes home and I'm half dead on the kitchen floor, freezing because the floor's cold and I keep the house at 60 degrees and I've been there for like half an hour and was in such pain I couldn't crawl back onto the living room carpet.
My husband's fat too, with a bad back, and he couldn't get me onto my feet, but eventually I managed to get onto the couch, he wrapped my foot up with an ice pack and I then crawled up the stairs to bed.  He wanted to take me to the ER.  Which is stupid.
#1 that ER sucks.  When I went a few years ago because I had a kidney stone and couldn't breathe, I was there 7 hours and they didn't even give me an ultrasound, said I was lying about my pain because I was an addict who wanted a prescription for pain meds.  Yes, me and my morbidly obese friend who was with me, we totally fit the drug addict profile.  They send me home with some kind of insulting prescription for like 3 or 4 pills. I was still in horrible pain and couldn't breathe.
#2  If he had taken me at 11 pm last night, I'd just be getting home after spending the night in a plastic chair with my leg swelling from not being elevated.
Instead, I went into my own bed all night with my foot and ankle wrapped and up on a wedge pillow.  I'm about to go to the doctor who will see me within a few minutes of arrival and if I need an x-ray or anything, she will send me to the medical imaging building where they will see me within a few minutes and I'll be home by lunchtime.
If I'm not bleeding uncontrollably, haven't hit my head or gotten knocked out, and no bones are sticking out, I'm not going to that ER.
And this really sucks for other reasons. I have to go grocery shopping and pick up one last minute thing from Walmart for Christmas day at my mom's.  I'm having some friends over on Sunday and I need to clean the house.  All of these things require two functioning legs/feet.  Even if it's just sprained, I won't be able to walk on it.
Yesterday my trainer and I were talking about me possibly trying some martial arts in 25 lbs or so and she thought I could probably start now with Tai Chi.  Another thing not happening.


The doctor played with my foot and ankle for a while but the problem is, when she said "Does this hurt?" I'd say "Yes, but even if I hadn't fallen that would hurt, because of the lympedema."  So it was pretty inconclusive what exactly I did to myself.  At the very least, it's a horrid sprain. I'm bandaged up.  I can't work out for 2 weeks, shouldn't walk, supposed to keep it up and bandaged and iced.  I have paperwork for an x-ray; if it doesn't get better by next week I have to go.  There's a possibility I cracked something, I guess.  It did make a pretty horrible noise.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

don't take away my choices

I have learned something interesting about myself.
If you tell me, "Rosie, you can't eat French fries anymore," I will go and eat them every day. I know they are bad for me. But don't force me into not eating them.
If you stay quiet about fries, and put a plate of them in front of me, guess what? I CHOOSE not to eat them. I went out with my mom for dinner and the fries were horrible, pale and undercooked and awful. The waitress saw that I didn't eat them and asked if I wanted to substitute another side. I asked for more broccoli. She brought me a plate of perfectly cooked fries and a bowl of broccoli. I ate 2 fries and packed everything else to go. It was simple to do and I don't feel at all deprived. But if my mom had sat there and bitched about me eating fries, you bet I would have eaten every one.
I'm contrary that way.
I like to have ice cream in the freezer.  I never eat it, it goes bad and I throw it away and buy more.  But I like to know it's there so I can resist eating it. It's wasteful and crazy but it works for me.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Monday, December 13, 2010

marathon tracking

I have decided to try a new thing starting January 2. I'm going to keep adding together all the miles I've run and then post every time I get to a marathon. My goal is to run 6 miles on Mondays and 5 each on Wednesdays and Fridays, with other exercise on Tuesdays and Thursday. Which means, starting on a Monday, I should reach 26 miles the following Wednesday. (I'm not worrying about the .2 in distance.)
If I can keep up with my program, that's about 40 marathons in a year. As long as my math is correct.  Which it probably isn't.
And this is all in the pool, of course.  So each marathon will burn over 4400 calories.  Which is like a pound and a half, but we all know my body doesn't work that way.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

farting in the pool

My upper arms are really starting to piss me off and they've become my inspiration, as it were, to step up my fitness and reduce my eating even more.  They've gone down less than 10%  in circumference even though I've lost 25% of my starting body weight.  They are like giant deflated balloons hanging from my shoulders.  They look disgusting.  The skin on them itches and has a weird red rash.  And the worse thing is, when I am running in the pool, they make fart noises in the water.  I'm sure you've seen others make fart noises by putting their hand in their armpit?  Or make water squirt from their hands by clenching a fist at the surface of the water?  Well my upper arms do them both.  At the same time.  With every stride.  So imagine I'm running, arms pumping back and forth along my sides.  Behind me and beside me and between my upper arms and my ribs is a floating gelatinous mass of upper arm, whipsawing violently, sticking in between my arm and body so I have to do this weird motion like a chicken flapping its wings to free my loose skin.  Once free it creates little shooting squirts of water accompanied by fart-like noises every time the flaps head toward my body.  I just hope I never end up on YouTube.
I want to wake up and weigh 150 lbs and have this all behind me.  Some days I can barely get out of bed I feel so humiliated.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

eat, drink & be merry...in your mind...skinny in your body

If this is true, how cool would it be? Instead of shying away from thoughts of ice cream sundaes and fried chicken and death by chocolate cake, imagine yourself thinking about them, thinking about eating them all you want...and then not having to eat them in real life.
It's actually not that crazy. There's been research (which I am too lazy to look up) about athletes who train in their mind as well as in their bodies and they get stronger. Why couldn't eating work like that? I think about eating chocolate cake but I don't eat it, therefore I have my cake and I'm thin too.

In the first experiment volunteers were asked to imagine inserting 33 coins into a laundry machine – an action that the researchers thought was similar to eating M&M's. A second group imagined inserting 30 coins and eating three M&M's; a third imagined inserting three coins and eating 30 M&M's.

After their imaginative efforts, all the participants were allowed to eat freely from a bowl of real M&M's. Those who imagined eating 30 M&M's consumed significantly fewer of the real thing than people in the other two groups, suggesting that mentally experiencing the action of eating can cause habituation to the real food.
Further experiments showed that the effect only appeared when participants thought about eating the food; repeatedly imagining the food alone did not reduce consumption.
I'm going to go think about eating an ice cream sundae.  A really big one.
overeat in mind__lose weight

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

right or wrong?

A few years, I was at a local chain restaurant with a friend of mine who is also morbidly obese. We hardly ever see each other so our meals tend to be long and drawn out and we try to go when it's not really busy.
We split an appetizer and then ate our meals. We decided to split a dessert too. There were a lot of empty tables so we didn't feel like we were taking up space.
The waitress came by with the check. We said that we wanted dessert (which she hadn't offered) and she said, "You want MORE food?" and then told us she needed that table for someone else and we had to leave! We were there 90 minutes, not 9 hours! We weren't drunk, or loud, just two ladies having a conversation.
I went home and called the corporate office and complained mightily about her. I felt (still feel) it was definite discrimination against 2 fat women. Corporate send me a gift card for less than our meals cost. The waitress still works there.
I rarely get her but when I do, I never tip her. I have no idea if she remembers that she basically threw me out, but I remember.
Tonight my husband and I went to that restaurant and we got her. I told my husband not to tip her. He disagreed. He left her a small tip.
So should I "get over it" and give this woman money who once threw me out for being fat and ordering dessert? Or should I stick to my principles--this woman shouldn't be a waitress!


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

90 lbs gone


10 lbs to go. New clothes. Plastic surgeon visit. A few pounds after that and it will be only 100 lbs to go.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

ch-changes...

A constant reader and good friend said I should write down how I have changed. So when those naysayers are in my face saying "you aren't fixed" I can refer to the list and know that I might not be "fixed" to their standards, but I'm way better than I was. 

  1. The biggest change:  I'm not afraid of new food.  My god, that's huge.  Someone says, "hey, try this, it's good" and I take the fork or the sandwich and I eat it.  And sometimes it is good.  And sometimes (mostly) it is not.  But I am not crying and shaking and in fear and asking basically for an MSDS (material safety data sheet) on exactly what's in the forkful of rice or mouthful of chicken sandwich.  Just a couple of months ago, I cried (real tears) when my husband tried to get me to eat a piece of chicken in a restaurant.  Yesterday I ate a bite of everything on my mom's plate when we went out for supper--trading her bites of mine as well.  If that was the only thing I took out of my week in Pennsylvania, I'd be happy.
  2. Portion Control:  I was doing pretty well on my own with this, but I've learned how to cut back even more. I went from 1200 calories a day to closer to 900 (with an occasional foray up to 1200 but I used to foray up to 1600, which is where Yale wants me--1600 calories a day).  The golf ball helps immensely.  I have not been able to get down to eating only a golf ball sized portion but I've cut way back.
  3. Food Choices:  This ties back into #1.  I have tried new foods, or healthier versions of foods I already liked, and now I can choose a grilled piece of chicken rather than a fried piece of chicken.  That doesn't mean I never eat a fried piece of chicken...but I eat it a lot less.  Since I came back I've had dessert exactly once (a single one split with 2 friends). I've eaten cookies twice (homemade, not store bought, and not the whole plate, just a couple).  There is no "instant" food in the house--nothing that I can just pick up and eat, besides various fiber/protein bars. Everything has to be cooked and therefore has to be considered carefully and most of the time it gets discarded.  Because I don't want the hassle of cooking and cleaning up and because of the next improvement....
  4. Motivation:  I have been down as low as 114 lbs (18.5 BMI) as an adult.  I know what I look like at every weight from there up to almost 400 lbs.  My goal is a reasonable 145-150 lbs (24.9 BMI).  I was that weight for a long time.  I have that picture in my head.  Do I want a cookie? Do I want all that butter on my popcorn?  Or do I want to be that girl again, in those skinny fun clothes (around size 8-10)? (Not that I can be 21 again, but you know what I mean.)
  5. Fish:  I don't like the smell any more than ever, but I don't run crying out of restaurants anymore or demand instantly that my food be boxed.

Where do friends and family think I've failed miserably? A bunch of dumb stuff.
  1. I'm still afraid of spiders.  Really?  You expected weight loss therapy to fix spider phobia? The only reason we worked a bit on bridges was because I had to drive home 5 and a half hours over a bunch of them.
  2. I still don't like lettuce, mayonnaise, mustard, sour cream, ricotta, or fish (among other things) and I still won't eat them.  Somehow the "I will fix my eating disorder and be able to try NEW foods" translated to those around me as "I will eat anything and everything" which was never the point, or the intent, and never even discussed. 
  3. I still ask for most meals in restaurants customized.  I'm not sure why that's not even a problem. Every season on The Biggest Loser they have a episode where Bob and Jillian take the contestants to a restaurant and teach them how to choose healthful foods and ask for healthful options--dressing on the side, no oils, no chip or bread basket on the table, etc.  But friends and family have to roll their eyes as I order.  And roll them more when inevitably the plate is wrong and I have to send it back.  And roll them a third time when I immediately pack 3/4 of the meal into a box to facilitate portion control.
  4. I haven't reached my goal weight and it's been a whole 3 weeks.  It's only 127 lbs, what's the problem?  I haven't even reached 100 lbs lost.  Yes, I did hope to hit 100 lbs by Thanksgiving and I don't think it's going to happen, it's only 8 days away.  But I fully expect to be there by Yule.  (And my odd reward to myself is going to be to visit a plastic surgeon and have him look at my arms and breasts. I know he won't do my breasts yet but my arms are a major problem and are going to start impeding me from wearing clothes that fit.) (Also my mom said she'll buy me a bunch of new clothes at 100 lbs lost and at goal weight, whoo hoo)
All this is all fodder for the cannon, I guess.  Maybe I should print out the first half and carry it in my purse with me so when people bitch at me that I'm still fucked up and not fixed I can read it to them.  I wish I could shrug and say "Sorry I'm such a failure in your eyes and that you have no confidence in me and can't find it in your heart to support me."
And thanks to my buddy who suggested this exercise--it was very helpful!



If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

eat to live, eat when you're hungry

I'm slowly working my way through the official published Gastric Mind Band book (Shirrans' Solution). It's very badly written (self published) which annoys me on a whole 'nother level...but there's some contradictions that are driving me nuts (and I'm only halfway through).  The book varies in some parts from the therapy I received because theirs is more generic and mine was very specialized.  I'm trying to pick up any extra nuggets I can.
I have a phone therapy appointment Friday to talk about the whole "you aren't fixed" issue and I'm going to bring these crazy-making things up too.
It could be that I am just always playing devil's advocate and I have to twist things around and make them complex...or maybe other people don't read as carefully as I do and remember like I do and process things like I do. 
The book stresses to eat when you're hungry.  If you are not hungry, don't eat.  Don't eat just because it's 6 p.m. or because someone offers you food or you think you want food.
That makes absolute perfect sense to me.  Right?  (There's more, of course, having do with portion control, but that's not what I'm getting confused about.)
The book stresses you should eat 3-4 times a day.  And always eat breakfast.
I'm not hungry 3-4 times a day--I'm usually hungry twice.  And if I eat when I first wake up I get sick to my stomach.  Plus I go to the pool first thing (6:50 a.m.) and I know from years of experience I feel terrible and have less energy and am sluggish if I go with food in my belly.
So what is it?  Eat 3-4 times a day or eat when I'm hungry?
It's like when I was doing the 5 day cleanse.  The cleanse instructions said eat as much as you want of the (hardly any) allowable foods.  But the GMB therapy is PORTION CONTROL.  Eat to the golfball.  Can't do both.  That's partially what derailed me.
But wait, there's more.   You should eat to live, not live to eat.  Food is fuel.  There shouldn't be any more attachment, emotion, or stress over having a meal than you have filling your car with gas when the tank gauge is on E.   Very Buddhist, all that non-attachment/detachment.   You shouldn't spend the time between meals thinking about what you're going to eat at your next one.  (I wish.  Will I EVER get to that point?)
But then they have a whole section on eating what you enjoy.  How you should always eat the thing on your plate you like the most FIRST.  If you save it for last, you will over eat to fit the "good stuff" in. 
Here is a funny aside.  When my mom was little, she always ate the frosting last when she had cake or a cupcake.  Her grandpa (my great grandpa) told her that she should always eat the frosting FIRST because if she died in the middle of the cupcake someone else would get to eat her frosting.  I always thought that was a very weird thing to tell a child. (They told it to me too--so I take my cupcake apart and put the bottom on top so frosting is in the middle; that solves the whole problem!)  A child enjoying dessert drops dead.  The first thing you do is FINISH THE CUPCAKE?  Weird, weird, weird.
The other thing about that is, what if the thing I like the most is the least healthy thing on the plate? Don't I want to fill up on the healthier options first?  Isn't that why you divide your plate and most of it should be veggies and fiber and very little empty carbs and fat and protein?   Shouldn't I try to fill up on salad or green beans or veggies so I haven't got room for the less important/less healthy food (even if it's beloved)?  Do I do the bad parent thing--if you eat all your veggies you can have a biscuit with butter?  Or say fuck the veggies, I want the biscuit with butter?  (Don't lecture me on butter, that's not the point of this)
Love the food you put into your body and your body will love you and respond.  That's very beautiful.  But I don't love gasoline when I put it in my car.  The only dilemma is do I have Stop and Shop points for discount gas or should I go to the cheap BP station?  I don't care either way, I just want to pay less.  My car only cares that it has gas in it, it runs the same on either brand.
So do I love and savor my food, chew it oh-so-slowly and enjoy it while it's in my mouth (because your tummy has no taste buds)?  Or do I practice the Buddhist way of non-attachment? 
Combine this kind of thinking with mental OCD (the Wellbutrin helps, but not 100%) and my mind is churning, churning, churning.  I only ate once today...but I'm not hungry...I can't eat all that....must eat favorite first...must eat healthy first....must not think about food...must plan out my meals to be healthy portions and selections...
Fuck it, I'm going to eat a Fiber One bar and go to bed.





If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

"you aren't fixed"

When I came home from my Gastric Mind Band therapy almost a month ago, everyone around me was all into it, all supportive. "how can I help you?" "what can I do to support you?"
A month on, here is the reality of that help and support. It doesn't exist. It ain't happening.
If I do ANYTHING at all that other people don't approve of... Like ask for help killing a spider. Complain that my food is wrong in a restaurant. Say that I don't want to go to a sushi bar. Refuse to touch the dirty cat food dish. The response is, "I thought you were getting that issue fixed." "I thought you were learning to deal with that." "You aren't fixed, you wasted all that money." "Aren't you supposed to be over all that now?"
It's like I was a car with a broken engine part, the engine got fixed but people are complaining the car wasn't washed and the tires are bald.  It was FOUR DAYS.  The world can't get fixed in FOUR DAYS.
So what has changed, really? Nothing. No one is helping me or supporting me in real life. Some people on the internet are, but they can't go out to eat with me or cook with me.  IRL, it's the same old, same old. "Rosie's fucked up, Rosie's crazy, Rosie spent thousands of dollars on therapy and she's still not right."
It's really discouraging.  I can see some changes, maybe not the huge ones I hoped for, but I'm definitely different.  Everyone else sees what hasn't changed.  
I'm realistic. I know that even with therapy and hypnosis that it takes a while for things to really change and settle in.  Everyone expected me to come home and eat anything and everything, and never complain about anything again, and lose 10 pounds a week.  Because that's not happening instantly (and frankly probably never will), I'm deemed a failure.  People expected 4 days to overcome almost 40 years of habits.  Can't happen.  I didn't expect that, mind you, I'm talking about those around me.
I just want to stay in bed all day and cry. 


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

I don't like being a yardstick

This is starting to piss me off. In conversations about other people, my weight/size is the measuring stick by which all other overweight people are judged. "He was even bigger than YOU, Rosie." "She's fat, but not as fat as Rosie." "A woman about your size, Rosie..." I got so annoyed the other day that I said something to the person, along the lines of when did I become the fat person poster child?  Why does everyone who is not thin have to be compared to me?  There are other, more famous, fat people.  How about the comedians Ralphie May and Gabriel Iglesias?  Can't use Oprah, she changes her size too much.  How about Queen Latifah?
Any of my fat readers...do you have this problem?   Does it bother you? 


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

sweets for the sweet

My mom always says that I am a "sweet freak" and a "chocoholic" and will tell anyone who will listen that sweets and chocolate are my downfall.
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and somehow we got onto the subject of dessert. Since I came back from Pennsylvania, I haven't had dessert yet. The only chocolate I had was half a bar of Choco-Perfection (at $5 a bar, I can't afford them, so I have to make the 3 Deb gave me last!), a glass of chocolate milk, and a hot chocolate. That is also the sum total of all the sugar I've had. (I'm not stressing over the small amounts of so-called added sugar in some other foods.)  The Choco-Perfection actually doesn't have any sugar in it, so it only counts toward chocolate.
I haven't eaten anything outrageous at all.  My daily calories have dropped from about 1200 to around 900 although there's been a few days of around 1100.  Is it working? I don't know. Sometimes I feel great and I think everything's going well.  Other days I am frustrated and unhappy.  I am seriously considering become bulimic.  I don't know how to make myself throw up.  And throwing up is gross. But it does seem like a way to have cake and eat it too....or to have cake and eat it and then not eat it.  I know bulimia causes its own set of problems and haven't I got enough problems already? 

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I never said I was perfect

I've been getting some really hateful comments on my blog again. Every once in a while I get onto the radar of someone and they just won't let up. I'm not letting all the comments through, some are that bad. And it's very discouraging.
Let me make this absolutely clear: I am not forcing you to read this. And I never said I was perfect.
This blog is my HONEST thoughts. So yes, sometimes I come off like an asshole, because sometimes I am one. So are you. Especially when you leave rude comments, pointing out that in 2007 I said my favorite color was blue and in 2009 I said it was pink. Or whatever. That one day I like cheeseburgers and another day I don't.  Guess what? I 'm a REAL FUCKING PERSON.  Real people are not 100% consistent. 
I'm trying to chronicle what it's like to live as a fat person in the U.S. It's not an easy life. It's turbulent and often unhappy. "Experts" offer conflicting advice that confuses me. I change my mind on what I want.  I get frustrated and annoyed some days and on other days I feel confident and empowered.
I'm willing to bare my soul, to put myself out there.  I might inspire you.  I might disgust you.  It takes courage to do this.   But attacking me and telling me what a piece of shit I am helps no one.
If you don't like my blog, stop reading.  Delete the book mark.  Go on your merry way, but do it quietly.  If you like it, then comment and say so, and stick around and enjoy the ride that is my crazy, fat life.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Jollux

A friend just shared a link with me, with 20 obsolete but fun words we should all try to use and resurrect.
The one I like is JOLLUX, Noun - Slang phrase used in the late 18th century to describe a “fat person” – Although I’m not sure whether this word was used crudely or in more of a lighthearted manner, to me it sounds like a nicer way to refer to someone who is overweight. “Fat” has such a negative connotation in English, but if you say “He’s a bit of a jollux” it doesn’t sound so bad!
I wonder if this word has anything to do with the idea of fat people being jolly.  I would love to work it into conversation, but unfortunately I have no idea how to pronounce it. Joe-Luxe?  Joe-Lou?  Ideas?


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Britain's formerly fattest teen regains her title :(

This makes me both sad and angry. Georgia Davis, who is now 17, went to a fat farm in the U.S. last year and lost half her body weight. She wasn't skinny by any means, but she was probably a lot healthier. A doctor had told her she wouldn't live to be 20 if she didn't lose weight. Then when she did, her life expectancy went to 80 years.
She came home half the girl she used to be, to a family who didn't support her, and back to terrible eating habits, and she's now fatter than she was.
The sidebar to the article lists her daily diet:

  • 3 bowls of sugary cereal
  • Sausage rolls and pies
  • 6 packets of crisps
  • Pile of sandwiches
  • A chocolate cake
  • Chips
  • 21 digestive biscuits
  • Ready meals
  • KFC takeaway
  • Chunks of cheese
  • Litre of coke
Because English people don't speak American, I have no idea what some of that stuff is.  Ready meals?  Like MREs in the military or like microwave/tv dinners?  How many sandwiches in a pile?  What is a sausage pie?  Digestive biscuits sound healthy, so probably they aren't if she's eating them. How big is the chocolate cake? My weirdest thought about that list is "she eats all that and only ONE liter of Coke?!"
screenprint of original
Britain's fattest teen, again

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

another diet drug rejected by the FDA

It is such a shame that every weight loss/diet drug has such terrible side effects. According to this article, not only did the promising new drug Qnexa get axed by the FDA, but Meridia, a previously approved drug, has now been pulled from the market.  
Qnexa's problems included "possible health risks, including major cardiovascular events and risks for women of childbearing potential."    Meridia was pulled for increasing "the risk of heart attack and stroke".
On the one hand, everyone screams about obesity and how much it costs society and how unhealthy it is.  35% of the U.S. population is obese (I think the total percentage of overweight is something like 70% or higher).   A weight loss pill that worked would make that pharmaceutical company as much money as Viagra.   Especially if it had to be taken for life.  Can you imagine?  But with every promising new drug being shut out by the FDA, it's not going to happen anytime soon.  Drug companies are going to stop trying.  There's other things, like Alzheimer's, they can make a lot of money on too.
screenprint of article.
diet drug rejected


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

cleanse aftermath

Just to follow up on the cleanse: the official weight loss total was TEN POUNDS. That's right, I'm at 87 pounds lost. So close to 100! 13 pounds!
After talking to Deb, we added in dairy and wheat. I have not binged. I've followed the golf ball when eating. The only thing that is making me sad is that my beloved Diet Caffeine-free Pepsi tastes like crap now after a week without. Water also tastes like crap. I have nothing to drink that I enjoy so I am a bit dehydrated. Tomorrow I start back up at the pool so that will relieve that somewhat.
I feel good, I don't think I've reacting negatively to the dairy or the wheat. I'll weigh myself tomorrow. Deb said if I gain weight, that's an adverse reaction. With the way I've been eating (today was about 900 calories) there is no way I should have gained.
I'm still off corn, potatoes, sugar, nuts and fruit.  Probably on Tuesday or Wednesday I'll get to add in a new thing as long as I'm okay with dairy and wheat.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Friday, October 29, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 5

I lost another pound. 7 (84) total. I'm hoping for 1 more, putting me at 279, 15 lbs away from 100 lost. When I got up this morning I couldn't bear to eat anything. Right now every food I'm allowed to eat, I hate so much. I hate veggies. I hate meat. I hate water no matter how cold and icy it is.
Technically my 5 days of servitude end in 6 hours.  Actually 5.5.  I can stick it out 5.5 hours, even with no food, right?  In 90 minutes I'm having a phone therapy session for an hour, so that really makes it 4.5 (at least in my crazy head). I'm not planning on going nuts at 6:01 p.m., don't get me wrong! I have to go somewhere and I can't control what food will be offered me.  I usually have water to drink there, but tonight I know I will ask for a can of diet Pepsi.  Last night I was crying, I wanted to go downstairs and have just a mouthful of soda, just SOMETHING that wasn't boring steamed veggies and broiled tasteless hunks of tough meat.   I can't even bear to eat bacon, I'm putting it all away in the freezer.  Maybe I will cook a big breakfast over Thanksgiving weekend, that seems far enough away to want bacon again.
I'm trying to decide what I will eat tomorrow, when I am free to eat again.  We're going to the movies so popcorn.  My husband eats the buttery part off the top while I'm doing the Habba Syndrome thing in the bathroom, then I eat 6-8 handfuls (about 3 cups).  I'm leaning toward making a lovely pizza for supper, but I was also invited to a benefit. I don't really want to go.  It's a 50/50 raffle but you KNOW at a fundraiser if you win the raffle money the expectation is that you will refuse the prize and give the charity the whole thing. I couldn't bear to win a few hundred dollars and walk away from it.  I need that money too.  The place has extremely limited food--nothing cooked on a grill or in a fryer, only cold sandwiches and probably chips from a bag, YUCK.  And my husband will drink a lot and I'll have to drive home and I haven't driven his new car yet. I don't want my maiden voyage to be 30 miles in the dark along strange roads.  I'm thinking of giving a friend of mine who is going some money to throw into the raffle pot.  I just don't think I'm up to the noise and the crowd, I'm very fragile right now.  Last week I didn't enjoy the party I had to go to at all, and that was before this cleanse.
I had a long phone therapy session today with Deb and we decided to add wheat and milk products into my diet.  Still pretty restricted, but at least there's carbs!   I made it to 4:30 and then I went to the grocery store to get some high fiber, low carb bread.  Then I stopped to eat, so I didn't quite make the full 5 days, but I did not binge.  I had 1 glass of diet pepsi and two fajitas, with very little cheese, and I didn't finish either tortilla, so it probably comes out to just over 1 tortilla total.  All hail cheese and wheat!   I can have a high-fiber English muffin with a little butter for breakfast with a lovely cup of tea, I can have fajitas or quesadillas made with wheat tortillas, I can have pizza.  I feel pretty happy.   I'm still off corn, sugar, potatoes and fruit.  At some point next week, when I haven't had any adverse reactions to dairy or wheat, we'll add another thing in. I would like to have some kind of potato but I'm not CRAVING it, just MISSING it.  I can do without potatoes for a few days or even another week, same with fruit.  Probably corn will be the next addition.
During our conversation today, a couple of the things that came up were some bad past experiences perpetuated on me by family members, my family and my in-laws.  My husband has a distressing tendency to side with his family against me in any conflict and if I stand up for myself, that's just Rosie being a bitch again so I'm always in the wrong.  She asked me who in my life is really on my side?  Who roots for Rosie?
So I want to take a minute to thank those people who root for me:  my readers and my Facebook friends.  People who have never met me in real life (IRL).  Thank you, guys.  You know who you are.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 4

The deal I made with myself yesterday was that if I had not lost weight, I would quit immediately.
I got up and weighed myself.
6 lbs! So I'm at 83 lbs lost, just like that. Get to change my "lost xx lbs with Sparkpeople" image on my sidebar from 70 to 80. I should create a Gastric Mind Band one, huh? I wonder if they have a logo.
So I'm going to keep going. I'm not at the gnawing level of hunger I was at. I can deal for 2 days. I'm unhappy, let's be very clear on that, but perhaps 10 lbs isn't an outrageous goal for these 5 days.
My husband's being kind of a jerk. Last night I felt terrible and I asked him to cook me some bacon for dinner. He was cooking steak for himself. He said, actually said, "If I don't cook for you, you aren't going to eat?" and I said no.
He didn't cook for me. That really pissed me off. Today he pretended that he thought it was my turn to cook him dinner last night and that's why he didn't make me anything.
Today he texts me about supper and I answered him "I am going to eat something horrible that makes me miserable, IDK what you're going to do." And he got angry, he said the world doesn't revolve around me, he didn't go to therapy and he's not changing, even though he said he'd support me.
All I can think of is that I can fix my agony in less than a minute.  Downstairs I have popcorn, peanut butter, crackers, ice cream, chocolate, pasta, milk, diet pepsi, cookies, pop tarts, and chocolate syrup. (Hm, I seem to like things starting with P and C!)  Within a short walking distance is a convenience store, a big chain pharmacy, a Dairy Queen and a Mexican restaurant...and I have a $20 bill hidden away for such emergencies.   But here I am suffering instead, trying to remember that I lost 6 lbs in 4 days and in 2 more days I might be able to launch myself out of the 280s and into the 270s and then it's just a short hop to being 264 and 100 lbs lost.  Maybe by Thanksgiving.  If Saturday morning I can wake up at 279 or less, I would be so happy.  So I try to think of that, and not about all the lovely carb-based foods I have downstairs.
It is especially hard to think about all that food within reach when today I reached a whopping total of 315 calories.


   
If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 3

I'm 3 days and 1 hour into this cleanse. All I'm doing is suffering. I wrote to Deb and she told me to quit if it's that bad. But I'm not a quitter. Can't I stick out 5 days?
So what I am going to do is, weigh myself tomorrow when I get up. If I've lost weight, I will keep on going to Friday night. If not, by then it would have been 3.5 days of suffering and unhappiness and sickness for nothing and I will take myself somewhere for lunch and eat carbs and that will be the end of that.   I'll carry around my golf ball talisman and go by the GMB training.  These days have been more of a derailment than a help anyway.
I'm basically on starvation rations, eating 300-400 calories a day.  I feel like I should go to a pro-ani web site and find out how people with anorexia cope with eating this little. I suspect they chew sugarless gum or eat sugarless mints, neither of which I'm allowed to do.
I don't even care anymore if I eat.  The only thing that's even slightly palatable is bacon and how much bacon can one person eat?   So screw it, I won't eat anything for the next day or so, it's got to be easier than eating food that I have grown to totally detest.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 2

One thing that is happening is that I'm getting that horrible Atkins-diet breath, like a dragon pooped and then died in your mouth. It is truly terrible, it tastes awful and I feel bad for anyone who is near me when I am breathing.  I have to go to the dentist for a cleaning; I wonder if that will fix it?  Probably not as I can feel that the bad smell comes from inside, my throat and beyond.  Gross.
The only thing I continue to crave is any kind of carb.  Nothing specific.  I'm starting to get a headache too.
Last night my husband was hungry and I ended up cooking him the other half of the bacon.  10:30 at night he's eating bacon in bed.  Sets a bad precedent.  Now he understands why I said we're gonna need more bacon.  He claims to have had a salad with grilled chicken and no dressing for lunch and not to have had any coffee.  He had twice the food I did for supper--a much larger steak and a huge bowl of steamed veggies--and he was still starving in 4 hours.
I warned the tech at the dentist about how horrid my breath is. I do feel bad.  It is awful.  She brushed my teeth with chocolate toothpaste. It was like cheating.  I made sure to rinse out every bit of toothpaste and not swallow any, though, and the chocolate taste sadly did not last, the death-smell/taste is already back in the 10 minutes it took me to get home.
Where I cooked a slightly larger chicken breast than yesterday.  I couldn't even eat half of it, part of it I gagged on.  Big plain hunks of meat (even seasoned) are so unappealing to me.  I also could not finish the other half of yesterday's tomato.   I'm going to shopping now for more paper towels (all this meat makes a greasy mess) and more bacon.  I don't know what else to do.
My husband texted me just before lunch that he was starving, had a caffeine-withdrawal headache and for me to buy 4 more packages of bacon.  Welcome to Day 2.  And Days 3-4 are supposed to be the worst!  We're only 1/3 of the way there.
I think it's funny that someone left a comment about JennyO turkey on a previous post today.  Because I did in fact look at some JennyO frozen turkey today, and the label said up to 27% of the turkey was actually a sugar infusion.  That made me angry and sick.  They advertise all over the place on The Biggest Loser and their meat has sugar added?!    WTF.  Obviously I didn't buy it as I can't have turkey.  I don't know how to cook a real turkey and I can't eat any kind of deli meat so I guess turkey's outta the question.
I am completely losing my mind.  I'm so hungry.  Everything tastes like crap because of the ketosis breath.  Water is particularly foul and I'm not allowed anything else.  So on top of everything else going on, I'm probably dehydrated.
My back hurts; I think all the driving reactivated or woke up my sciatica.  I can't go to the pool because of the pain. I'm trapped in the house for the next 3 days.  My no-carb dementia is setting in; I'm sure this post is full of dumb mistakes but I won't go back and correct them, I want you to see me fall apart if that's what happens.
I feel extremely depressed, like a failure, that I can't do this 5 day thing, I'm losing my mind and I'm only 52 hours in (out of 120).   I was so up and happy when I left Pennsylvania and I feel like this is making me fail.  I wish I had had the opportunity to do this before I went.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Monday, October 25, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 1 of 5

Here is my (probably flawed) strategy. I am going to try to sleep most of the time for 5 days. Then I won't feel hungry and have food cravings. Right?
My friend called me at 10:30 and woke me up. She said that she needed to go shopping to do the diet with me and would I come with her and help her pick out the right stuff?  I agreed to go after lunch.
My husband said to me last night, "I separated all the meat for you," because he knows I hate to touch raw meat. I go in the fridge and take out a small zip lock of chicken breast. This chicken piece had to weigh at least 10 oz. Now comes the dilemna: do I eat as much as I want per the diet or do I eat to the golf ball? I cut the piece of chicken down to the size of my palm and ate to the golf ball. I grilled it and ate it with half a giant tomato. It was good, not great, and I felt okay-full (meaning I could have crammed more in, but that's the behavior I'm trying to avoid/stop, isn't it?).

Went shopping at Wal-mart with my friend, found the special peanut butter Deb wants me to eat (after this week) which, we found, really does seem a lot healthier than even the other organic peanut butter (according to the labels at least). It's called Naturally More and Deb said, oddly enough, only Wal-mart carries it! My friend stocked up on lots of raw veggies.  She said she had a can of tuna for lunch but she couldn't deal with it plain and had to add some mayo.  That is the exact thing that makes me want to puke but I didn't even comment on the grossness of it. She is supporting me after all, she doesn't NEED to do this.
We watched a TV show I saved for her and we were both getting really hungry and it was only 2 hours since lunch.  She left and I got hungrier and hungrier and I just broke down and cooked 6 slices of organic uncured bacon (3:30, I ate lunch at 11:45).  I ate 5 slices but I cut the ends off those because it wasn't cooked enough. I will microwave that as tomorrow's snack I guess.  
I texted my husband "I'm starving and going to kill someone" and later on "We're going to need more bacon."  His incredulous response: "you ate two packages already!?"  No, but I bought 2 small packages and 6 slices was half a package. If I eat bacon every day, I'm going to run out, unless I save all the squishy ends and eat them on Friday.  I don't want to eat bacon every day, but I'm going to get mighty bored of grilled chicken let me tell you.  I ate it all last week at Deb's house (except the day we grilled a burger instead).  If I could have added a small baked potato, it would have been perfect.  But no potatoes this week. 
It's not like I'm craving anything in particular. I'm not dreaming about specific foods or obsessing about those food.  I'm HUNGRY but not for anything specific. It's just that what I am eating isn't satisfying me. 
For instance, my darling hubby made little steaks under the oven broiler for dinner.  My mom used to call them cube steaks.  I put garlic powder, pink salt and ground pepper on mine; he put a southwestern spice rub I bought him as a gift on his.   I had some fresh corn as my veggie; he had peas and broccoli.  I'm not a huge salt  person, but I love this pink salt.  It's saltier than regular salt, if that makes any sense, but it doesn't give you that mouth pucker.  I added some to the corn too, since I couldn't butter it.  I have a lovely salty aftertaste in my mouth and I am, as before, okay-full.  But without a starch, the meal seems incomplete.  It could be some kind of potato or a dinner roll or a cheddar biscuit.  I don't want anything specific, though.  Just carb or starch in general.
Deb instructed me not to weigh myself until Saturday.  So I can't even get that reinforcement--look, I lost a pound, keep going! 

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

diary of a 5 day cleanse, day 0/1 of 5


I started my 5-day cleanse, from the book The Harcombe Diet: Stop Counting Calories and Start Losing Weight, Sunday at 6 p.m. with the intent of going until Friday evening.
My husband said he would do the 5 days with me as support. A friend of mine said she would too, just to see how the cleanse felt and to see if she'd lose some weight.  That makes me feel pretty good, I'm not sure I'd give up everything I like to eat to support someone else!
However at 7 p.m. Sunday, one hour into it, I hear the microwave going and smell something delicious.  My husband is eating fried chicken.  Which, most definitely, is NOT on the cleanse.  He tells me he's eating it so it won't be there to tempt me.  Um, thanks?  Way to support me?  Way to cleanse with me?  I still have 119 hours left of this, honey, and you're already torturing me.  (Yes it's 120 hours total.   I'm 90 minutes down as I type this first bit, so 118.5 to go!)
Here is the basics of this 5 day cleanse. The author of the book, Zoe Harcombe, assumes that most people who have weight concerns have one or more of these conditions.  
  • Candida overgrowth
  • Hypoglycemia (not diabetes)
  • Food intolerance (not allergies) 
By removing for 5 days foods that feed Candida, affect blood sugar and are commonly not tolerated, it is a chance to reset your body. For me, it's also a resetting of my eating habits.
It's not an unsafe diet or extremely low calorie diet and you can do these 5 days whenever you want. 
If you want to know full details on the 3 conditions, please do read the book. It's very detailed and informative.
The allowed foods for these 5 days:
  • Meat.  Pure, unprocessed, unsmoked, no added ingredients.  
  • Fish. Gross, read the book if you're a fish lover
  • Eggs. From any type of bird.
  • Tofu.  ONLY if you don't usually eat tofu or a lot of soy as it's a common intolerance.  Must be pure tofu with no additives.
  • Salad ingredients and raw veggies. Anything EXCEPT mushrooms and potatoes. 
  • Herbs.
  • Brown Rice.  up to 50 grams (uncooked weight) per day.
  • Natural Live Yogurt.  If you are not sensitive to milk.
  • Beverages.  Water (still, sparkling, bottled, tap) in unlimited amounts.  Herbal tea, decaf coffee, decaf tea.
  • NO: alcohol, fruit, diet soda, regular soda, fruit juices, caffeine, or milk products (except the yogurt).  No wheat, corn or other grains (only brown rice), no sugar or sugar substitutes, nothing pickled or processed. 
Except for the rice, all amounts are unlimited.  No weighing, measuring or calorie counting. (Although I have to keep in mind my talisman and my Gastric Mind Band.)
Obviously any deprivation I'm feeling, at 3 hours in, is all in my mind.  But Deb assures me that physical cravings will come, and I might feel extremely ill if I have any of those 3 conditions. 
Mentally, I'm like, I can eat like this for 5 days.  It's not different from what she was feeding me at her house for lunch each day during the GMB therapy.  But then I panic, can I live without bread?  When I go without bread on Atkins I get really sick and a kind of sugar-deprived dementia.  But I can have veggies, there are some carbs there, I will be okay.  Or not.  I don't know.  I don't want to put bad thoughts out there.
I went shopping yesterday and bought 15 meals worth of food on the approved list, except for the rice because I'm not a fan of plain rice.  I'm set.  The friend I hang out with the most is the one whose doing it with me.
One of my little critter pets died while I was gone, and I'm debating replacing him, as it seems like his mate is sad.  The pet store that I'd go to is right near a couple of my most favorite restaurants.  I did map out a strategy to eat safely at one of them. but not the other.   The question is can I go there and not want to eat at those nearby places?   Should I even try?   Should I stay home for 5 days and be gentle on myself or will I got batshit  not leaving the house?   My pool membership is over and I am going to renew but if I'm going to be sick and feel like crap I won't want to go so why start paying again?    Too many negatives, must stop thinking.















If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

gastric mind band therapy day 4/last

Friday was my last day of therapy. It was basically just the GMB procedure. First we talked about if we'd missed anything or there was anything to add to the hypnosis. Then I watched a video of someone having a Lap-Band put in. It was a feed from a laproscopic camera. It seems very squishy and pulsing in there, I don't know how they know what squishy bit is what. Deb did not have an actual physical band for me to inspect (she's working on getting one--it's hard to do) but the video was interesting and gave me an idea of what to expect. We looked at a lot of before and after photos from the original clinic in Spain.
And then we started the Gastric Mind Band. I was in the usual reclining chair, but this time covered in a white sheet and with a pulse monitor on my finger and a suggestion of an IV in my hand.  The hypnosis was epic, Inception-style.  I was hypnotized to a garden, then brought down another level to a beach, and then another level to the hospital, and then another level for the surgery.  There were smells and sounds being wafted around, appropriate to where I was at the time.  It was very long, I believe, over an hour, and at the end I did have a sensation of having been punched in the stomach.
I have two things to carry with me.  One is an elastic band bracelet that says "mindband" on it and reminds me that I have a band.  The other is a golf ball that is the size of my stomach now that it's banded, to hold and have on the table during meals.  I call it my talisman.  Both of them are a lovely shade of blue but there are other colors available.
The drive home was long and horrible again. I got stuck on the George Washington Bridge in NYC.  I had a strategy for the bridge. I was telling it was a nice bridge it is, a famous bridge, and so pretty shining in the sun, and wasn't I a LUCKY person to drive over such a great bridge?  And the GWB agreed, and keep me there for 10 minutes.  It wouldn't have been as horrible as it was if it wasn't swaying and moving so much every time a truck went by in the other direction.  I was taking pictures and texting my husband that I was going to die.  After the bridge was a traffic jam that lasted almost to CT.  I had been planning to stop for some food, but there was another traffic jam and I got onto a different highway to get home.  My legs were cramped and rock hard with pain--I could barely stumble into the house, forsaking all my luggage, when I got home.  The true pain started to hit me last night when I was at an unfortunately timed party.  I felt (feel) like I was beaten with a board.  I will never drive that far again by myself.  My legs just can't handle it. I told my husband that if I have to go back, he's going to have to drive me and work from the hotel while I go to therapy.  (I even looked into flying last weekend, but it was $500 round trip to Philadelphia and that's outrageous, I could fly to Florida for cheaper.)
I'm doing the 5-day cleanse diet from 6 p.m. tonight to 6 p.m. Friday night. (Because I have to go somewhere Friday night and there won't be meat there to eat.)  My husband and one of my friends are doing it with me, although I think that when they are NOT with me they are going to cheat like mad.  I cannot cheat. But at least my hubby won't be eating rice and bread and things like that in front of me.
Yesterday I had a familiar and favorite meal for lunch--a semi-healthy one.  I did not finish it.  I did not have the usual appetizer (even though I could have had it for free).  I did drink diet soda, but not very much.  For supper I went out with a bunch of friends.  I ate half my usual portion, did not get any potatoes, did not have dessert, and drank 1 glass of diet soda and 1.5 glasses water. (I order both and alternate drinking. I don't refill the soda until the water is gone too.)  I tried, voluntarily, the food my friend and my husband were eating. What my friend had was okay--I'd eat it if there was nothing else, but it had a suspicious white sauce on it that I didn't feel good about--but what my husband had was really good.  If I feel the need to go out to eat during my 5 days, I can get that meal and it would work.
I'm feeling pretty confident.  We'll see what happens with my mom when I see her tonight.  She did not ask me anything about what I wanted to eat.  She is the wild card and if she is negative I'm scared she can ruin it all for me.
I did ask Deb about her successes for her past 12 GMB clients.  Seems like they lose about 10 lbs a month.  Her 6-month out client is down 60 lbs.  While it's not true gastric banding or gastric bypass weight loss numbers, I'll be perfectly happy with that.   She said I could lose 10-17 lbs just in the next 5 days doing the cleanse diet too which will be a good jump start and confidence builder.  And of course I can always go back onto the 5-day diet if I stall.  Which I won't anymore, right?  Right.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

gastric mind band therapy day 3/penultimate

Today was the last day of therapy, as in sitting around and talking. Tomorrow is the actual band fitting.
It was a short day today, 8 to 2.   We went on a field trip to Whole Foods and bought some things for me to try.  I had some mango. I thought I had eaten mango before & liked it once and disliked it once, but whatever I ate was totally different from what I had today. We cut up a chicken, made edamame.   It's never as good at home as it is at a Japanese restaurant.  Even with pink Himalayan salt on it. 
Basically we just finalized everything we started to set up the last couple of days and had a really really long hypnosis session.  A lot about food choices, about being strong in the face of adversity, exercising, food choices, and portion control.   And did I say food choices?  Food choices and portion control are my problems, I still often eat too much.  Not too much as in, I ate an entire chicken, but as in I ate everything put in front of me--which was more than a serving. 
Got a big notebook on the Gastric Mind Band chock full of helpful info.  I guess most of it is also in the published book (which I also have now).  Great stuff like pictures showing what to compare portion sizes to.  I knew the palm of a hand equals a serving of meat, but there are other ones involving dice, dominoes, golf balls, and tennis balls.
One thing I am struggling with is what to tell people.  I have regrets that I told some IRL friends that I was coming here and getting this done.  They are not going to be supportive, as they mocked the idea of getting hypnotized to think you got weight loss surgery.  A part of me does say, "if I know I was hypnotized to think I have the band, won't I ignore it?"  and another part says "people know they've been hypnotized for weight loss or to stop smoking and it works for them."  Plus why go through all the effort to drive 5+ hours and live in a hotel and spend 8 hours a day baring my soul if I'm not going to use what I learn here? 
I asked Deb if I should tell people I have a real band and she said no one has ever asked her that before. (I am her 13th GMB patient; she's been doing them for 6 months.)  I am inclined to, in situations where I have to refuse food from strangers, to simply say, "I can't eat that. I have a gastric band."  Which is not exactly a lie.  But if I have a smart-ass friend next to me who is going to say "no she doesn't" that isn't going to work very well is it?   But I just think SAYING it reinforces itI have a gastric band, I can't eat that.  I can't eat that way.  I can't eat that much fried food.  I can't drink all that soda.  Because I have a gastric band.  Not because I AM ON A DIET.  Or I AM TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.  What's the response to those? "Oh, just eat (a piece of cake/whatever), you deserve it."  A band is unforgiving.  If my friend who has a lap-band says she can't eat something cuz of the band (5 years after getting it) I don't push her.  If you can get someone to believe you physically CANNOT eat something, they shouldn't hassle you.  If I can convince myself that I physically cannot eat something, I shouldn't eat it anymore.  And saying, to myself and others, I have a gastric band.  I can't eat that.  I think would be helpful.

I have a gastric band.  I can't eat that.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

gastric mind band therapy day 2

This is some really intense stuff. If you've ever been to traditional talk therapy, where you sit for 45 or 50 minutes and hash out your problems, you know how much that can dredge up. Imagine doing it ALL DAY 9 to 5.
What came up today? My mom smashing one of my toys because I didn't want to share it with a neighbor. A boss that beat me up in lieu of firing me. The time (3d grade) that my next door neighbor whipped me. My "best" friend pushing me aside to get to someone she likes more at a party.  An ex-boyfriend that I suspect was (is) a hermaphrodite who punched a hole through a wall next to my head because I broke up with him.  Apparently there has been a LOT of violence in my life.  I never sat down and thought it all out.   Also drawn out of me--the time a boyfriend lied to me and made me eat venison (it tasted and smelled horrible; I threw up and then he said "you puked up bambi!" and laughed his ass off).  The same boyfriend making me throw a lobster into boiling water after I had named it Fred.
We came up with...actually I came up with....a few awesome strategies to deal with fish stink in restaurants so that instead of the stink driving me away and making me miserable it will empower me and I will thank it for its presence.  (I'm pretty proud of that and Deb was astonished because it was even better than what she was going to suggest.)  We did some revision-type therapy when I revisited extremely traumatic events and thought of ways I could have changed the outcome and how to think about the incidents differently so I can be without anger and pain when the memories surface.  That was done with a clicker and some visualization and some talking through the situation (the PTSD type treatment).  Also played out some possible things that might happen (based on the past) and how I could defuse them before they go bad.  Did a little work on bridges as a couple I drove over en route were pretty traumatic and knowing they are there waiting is giving me anxiety for the drive home.
Yesterday I tried some special chocolate that doesn't change blood sugar.  It's pretty good, very rich, although it's dark chocolate which isn't my favorite.   She gave me samples of healthy foods to try when I get home like high-fiber pasta.   Yesterday we cooked a meal of grilled pepper-coated chicken and a side of raw veggies.  Today we had a hamburger patty and I used ketchup with agave which didn't suck as much as I thought.  I'd take it over Hunts any day but not as good as Heinz.  Probably on par with the store-brand used at 99 Restaurant.  I also tried 2 kinds of agave syrup, regular and vanilla.  I didn't like either, they both tasted a lot like honey which I don't like.  It took a while to get up the courage to try them.
Next week I have to do a kind of  5-day fast to reset my eating.   Offhand I believe it's only meat and veggies.  No milk, cheese, potatoes, rice, wheat, corn, or sugar.  it is going to suck big time.  It's to normalize blood sugar, get rid of cravings, find food intolerance, and get a start on treating candidiasis (which I don't think I have based on the questionnaire in the book). 
We did another hypnosis session, this one got taped as it has all the core ideals in it.  Such as, numbering your hunger.  Starving is 0, stuffed is 10.   You don't eat until your hunger is 2 and you eat to 5, not more.  I have used something similar where you eat from 3 to 7.    Portion control was covered in that, also some specific prompts just for me, like getting off my ass and using my bowflex! 
I had to write a letter to a couple of people in my life I feel I have unresolved things with. I wrote to my mom and my "best" friend.  Then I had to write a letter to myself. Basically I told myself to shit or get off the pot and quoted "Lose Yourself" from Eminen.

Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

gastric mind band therapy days 0 & 1

Yesterday was a very long day. I left home shortly before 8 a.m. A goddess of a friend loaned me her GPS unit and it informed me that I'd arrive at 11:22. Remember that time. Wow, early, but I'd go have lunch or something if the room wasn't ready.
Traffic on 15 was a parking lot nightmare. By 9 a.m. the arrival time was 12:22. That's right, I drove an hour and it ADDED an hour to my time. The GPS kept trying to shunt me to 95 so I listened, stupid me, that was a parking lot too. At 11 a.m. I was at the FIRST rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike with over 100 miles to go. Remember that 11:22? I actually arrived after 1:30, exhausted. I called the people I needed to call to say I was alive and then did an hour in the pool. The freezing cold "heated" indoor pool.With no clock.  I set the alarm on my phone but of course the battery was half dead and it's not very loud.  I ended up guessing I was done and it was just an hour.  12 songs.
The hotel is really nice; if you come here for the therapy I recommend it.  Free wifi everywhere, lovely pond in the back. In the basement is the pool, a sauna, a gym, and a "game" room that's basically an arcade--even a laundrymat.  The Best Western in Concordville, PA (corner of routes 1 and 322) and it's only about $100 a night.  Free breakfast too. 
Today was the first day of therapy.  9 a.m.  I met all day (literally until 5 p.m.) with two different people.  We went over everything--to the point where I wonder what's left for the next 3 days!   Having my mental status checked, did I understand what I was getting into, did I have reasonable expectations, did I have drive and determination.  Was I crazy, schizoid, psychotic, etc.  (I passed that one.)  We talked about an abusive boyfriend who beat me up when I was skinny because other guys looked at me.  Memories, good and bad, of my childhood revolving around food, my weight and any big traumas.  We cooked a healthy lunch together.  The day ended with a hypnosis session.  I have a book to read tonight (yeah, there's homework!) but here I am blogging and watching the Biggest Loser.  Lots of handouts, samples of healthy foods and things to try.   A really long, emotional day, talking about people who have died and pain and loss and also good thing that have happened to inspire me and help me.  Which of my friends and family are likely to be supportive of lifestyle changes and who'd be sly and combative and even downright sabotaging.  We're going to come up with ways to deal with the bad and thank the good.
We came up with a way to downplay the problems I have with fish stink, although we haven't done anything on that topic except figure out a gameplan.  Talked a little about other phobias I have (spiders, heights, bridges--I drove over a couple of nasty ones en route and now I KNOW they are there waiting for me on the way home!) and we might try to sneak in a little about them at some point.    Emotional eating, mindless eating, food triggers....you name it, we probably talked about it today! What foods that I already eat I should concentrate on, which ones I should try to avoid (not forbidden, just attempt to choose them less often).
It was not all serious, however, there was talk of good things and laughter (I'm even funnier in person than I am in print) and silliness.   It was an emotional but enjoyable day.  I am physically and emotionally tired.  By the time I head home Friday I am going to be wrung out.  I only hope I refill myself with the right things.  I want this, I need it, but it still terrifies me to try to change, to overcome my fears of food.
My weight goal of 145-150 (BMI of about 24.9) was deemed realistic (even though I know it's still chubby for my body).  I'd be happy with just another 100 lbs and completely overjoyed to get down into the 130s but if that doesn't happen, oh well.  Under 200 lbs would mean I was healthy and extremely comfortable.  No time frame for losing these last 140 pounds has come up yet, maybe another day.
Tonight the pool was warm so it must have been broken last night, but I ran after my supper and I only lasted about 15 minutes (Habba Syndrome!).   And here I am, telling you all everything.
So I'm off to read my book during TBL commercials.  Will do another update tomorrow! 


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Friday, October 15, 2010

getting excited over Gastric Mind Band

I'm getting kinda excited to go and get my Gastric Mind Band next week. It should be an adventure. I've got my suitcase out and I'm throwing things in every time I walk by. Which means that I'll have to take everything out because I'll forget what's already in there. I do this EVERY time I go away, you'd think I'd learn. Or make an inventory.
I was hanging out with one of my super new-agey pagan friends today--she kindly loaned me her GPS, thanks darling!--and we did some numerology and astrology and mystic hand waving and it turns out next week is a fabulous time to undergo intensive therapy and to put forward intention and effort toward making a major life change! And that's not just for ME, but for everyone. That made me feel pretty good about the whole thing. Although even if the numbers and alignments were bad, I wouldn't have rescheduled, just figured it was another case of things having to be harder than they need to. Maybe for once, things will be easy!
The ONLY misgiving I have (and it's minor, slight) is that I might come out a zombie.  Not a brain eating one, brains are definitely NOTFOOD no matter what species. More of an old-school voodoo zombie, you know, under someone else's control.... I knew someone a few years back who went to one of those 6-week weight-loss hypnosis group seminars.  You go and sit in a circle and some guy brainwashes you.  And this person would come out with insane things, like if she saw someone drinking soda she'd say "Soda is poison. I nurture my body with water."  Which is exactly the kind of happy-crappy these hypnotists tell you.  I've been to a few of them and nothing ever really stuck because it was all canned, cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all-stuff.  I know that what's going to happen next week is extremely tailored to me and my idiosyncrasies (if not to accommodate them, then to eliminate them).  So I'm not REALLY afraid I'll come out the other end spouting nonsense.  But I have a tendency to complicate things and worry too much.
I was buying a few bottles of water today.  (I know they have water in Pennsylvania.  I just don't feel like driving around looking for a store when I could just bring it along.)  And looking at the huge array of fruit juices and flavored ice tea and flavored lemonade and all kinds of soda and energy drinks.  Either these drinks have sugar in them--sugar has calories and is empty bad carbs--or they have fake sweetener in them--which is poison, or not, depending on which web site you visit. And water is just really bland and boring. It made me kind of angry. 
There was an episode of a hoarders show on the other day where the woman was yelling "can't I have anything?" and while she was a total drama queen, that's how I feel about beverages right now.  Flavor either equals calories/sugar or "poison"/fake sugar.  Right now I opt for "poison" because I am not yet convinced it is poison...for every web site saying it is, there's one to say it isn't, and both have studies to back them up.  I don't like flavored waters (and a lot of them actually have calories--read the labels carefully) and I don't like unflavored seltzer (very sour/bitter--that's the supertaster in me).
So we'll see how that part goes.
I'm most worried, of course, about my husband feeding all the pets and watering the plants while I'm away.  I hate to have to ask a friend to come in; that would be weird.  Especially if she came over at night while my husband was home and started taking care of the animals in front of him.  He'd get angry.  I'm going to clean cages and tanks, and super-water all the plants on Sunday, and hope that will last until Friday night when I get home.  Wow a week from now, it will be all over!  


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck...

A couple of weeks ago, my old underwater MP3 player died. It was a few years old, I wasn't very angry or upset (except that I would miss workouts waiting for a new one to arrive, as they aren't in stores around here).
My new one came and I used it for a week.  I wrote an extensive review for Amazon (and here) which I actually hadn't posted yet because I wanted to use it a little more and make sure the review was complete and accurate.
I used it all last week (4 days, about 6 hours).  It holds a 10 hour charge.  I plugged it in over the weekend and the light was green, meaning it was charged, but I left it plugged in for a while just in case.  Monday the pool was closed for Indian Slaughter Day, I mean Columbus Day.  Tuesday it worked fine, so that was day 5.  Yesterday after about 25 minutes it went dead.  I was mad.  I can't replace the battery, it gets recharged via a USB cable to my computer.  I went home and plugged it in; light went red meaning dead battery. I went grocery shopping and to Yale and then to Vitamin Shoppe for new supplements and a 2nd pill case, and also stopped for lunch.  By the time I got home it had been plugged in for a good 6 hours.  It takes 2 hours to charge. 
Light was still red.  I plugged in headphones, turned it on.  Nothing.
It was dead.  $88 and it lasted FIVE workouts.
That pissed me off, let me tell you.  I was on the phone to Hawaii immediately and the CSR said this wasn't the first complaint of the unit going dead and not recharging!  After less than 2 weeks?  That really SUCKS.
But the CSR was great.  I told him my old MP3 player was going through batteries every 15 minutes and that's why I had to upgrade. He said he'd send me an old-style one AND a replacement new one.  Second day air!  That's great service, but better if I didn't have to call.
Last week I got a Facebook message from an old friend, we've know each other since middle school so almost 30 years.  Her mom has the same disease that killed my dad.   I sat and cried after I read her message because I know how horrible it is going to be for her and her mom, and I can't do anything except be there and watch the train wreck for the next few years.
Over the weekend, a good friend of mine got in an accident and was in a coma in critical condition.  Today she had surgery to put her face back together.  She has no medical insurance as she's unemployed and her husband is retired.
I could be cold and say, their problems are not my problems.  I can't fix that one's mom.  I can't pay that one's bills.  But they are my friends and I love them, and part of loving your friends is being upset when bad things happen to them.  And those two things are just about the worse that can happen.
I have to go away next week and be utterly selfish for 4 days or this therapy isn't going to work.  But until I get into my car on Monday, I am going to be sad for my buddies.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

back to Yale

Yesterday I made the trek to New Haven and Yale (I just typed New Yalen by mistake; sometimes it does seem like Yale and NH are one and the same!).  Their scale says I gained 2 pounds.  But I was wearing big sneakers and long pants; last time I had on shorts and flip-flops.  I call it even.  I should have lost, I know, don't beat me up. I beat myself up enough.
There was the usual amount of harping on my poor food choices.  I know they are bad.  I am spending a lot of money I don't really have to go away for a week and live in a hotel 400+ miles from home and get therapied all day every day by a couple of people, and be hypnotized into thinking I had a gastric band operation.  Obviously I can't fix my poor food choices on my own or I woulda done it already, right?  You think I want to weigh almost 300 lbs? It's better than almost 400 lbs, but I'd rather say "almost 150 lbs"!  Weighing twice what I should is almost as sucky as weighing 3x what I should.
There was some good news at Yale.  All my bloodwork was excellent, the bad stuff went down and the good stuff went up and most of it is now where it should be.   That's got to count for something.  Even if I didn't lose weight I've gotten healthier.
And it's not like I"m not trying. I work out like a fiend.  I keep my calorie count low.  I'm frustrated.  Hoping, almost praying, that next week will fix whatever switch in my head is stuck.


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

gastric mind band therapy contact information

Here is the information on the Gastric Mind Band therapist I am going to see next week. I am getting flooded with requests for her contact information, but many people don't leave an email address or blog URL for me to give it to them!
She has given me permission to post this on my blog. If you contact her, please let her know you heard it from Rosie!

Deb Donze
MS, DNM, Psychotherapist, Licensed Life Coach, 
Licensed Gastric Mind Band Therapist
610-246-6418
Her office is located just south of Philadelphia, PA.  The information is also posted in my sidebar.

If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

inappropriate fear

I am afraid of the wrong things. I am afraid of food and spiders and suspension bridges and being eaten by a shark.
But a few years ago, after my dad died, I needed to escape from the world and I went to Cancun alone.  No fear.  My husband was freaking out: I was going to get kidnapped by drug lords, have my kidneys stolen, be raped and murdered, the plane was going to crash, I was going to wander into unexplored jungle territory and be eaten by sentient plants atop a pyramid (good book, bad movie), or be eaten by a jaguar or by cannibals, or be sacrificed by some lost-in-time Mayans.  SOMETHING bad, at any rate.  None of those things happened of course--I did fall off a pyramid but women who weigh almost 400 lbs shouldn't be climbing pyramids anyway so it was my own fault.  But I had no fear at all (except of the food, of course) while I was there.
I come home, there's a spider the size of an eyelash and I lose my mind.  Lost in Mexico, don't speak Spanish? An adventure.   A tiny spider 5 feet away?  Total panic.  Fall off a Mayan pyramid? Put on an Ace bandage.  Unknown spices on my chicken?  Meltdown.
How come I can do something crazy like go to Mexico alone, a place I've never been, and be fearless, but I can't confront a tiny arachnid or eat a strange food or drive on a bridge that has big cables overhead?  I am so damn illogical. 


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Cooking with Rosie

I don't really cook. That's probably weird for a fat person.  One reason why is that I don't touch raw meat.  And cooking, real cooking, requires all sorts of chopping and touching of raw meat.  I mean, I can totally take something out of a box and heat it up.  But that's not cooking.  I'm talking about getting a recipe and following it.  I don't do much of that.  
I can make pizza dough (and pizza) from scratch.   Squash parmesan (the only thing I eat that I consider weird, and if I didn't already eat it I probably wouldn't).  I can make spaghetti sauce, and therefore baked ziti and lasagna (as long as it doesn't have that foul ricotta cheese in it).  I know how to put onion soup on roast beef and then use the drippings to make delicious gravy.  I make a decent clone of Red Lobster's cheddar cheese biscuits.  Pancakes. Chocolate chip cookies.  Stuffed peppers--but my husband has to mix the meat for me.  And, um, that might possibly be it.  I tried to roast a chicken, once, and it was so disgusting and inedible my cats wouldn't even eat it.  Purple stuff came out of the bones when I tried to cut it up and it stank.  I've never cooked a turkey.
There are some things I cook that I don't eat.  I make good scrambled eggs, and a lovely steak-ums, onions, peppers and cheese hoagie.
I've tried to make some of the things I eat in restaurants at home.  The Yale docs swear that restaurants put things in and lie and I should only ever eat at home.  They say that all salads, for instance, come with dressing.  That's not true; I can taste dressing and trust me I'd complain because salad dressing is gross.  I've tried to make quesadillas and fajitas at home and they're icky.  The meat is never cooked right.  My husband can make some really good chicken tenders but they are even greasier than what I get in a restaurant. 
That's it, that's all I can cook.  Of course, I don't eat much more than those foods, do I?  Hopefully after next week that will change! 


If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

never enough

I've been trying to do quite a bit of self-analyzing ahead of going to this big therapy week (next week. Eek or yay?)
I just saw an ad for some kind of 60 or 80 calorie mousse snack.  I would totally eat that as a meal.  A less than 100 calorie meal.  I'd call it a good choice for me. I'd throw in some fiber or protein powder as well.  But if the people at Yale see something like that on my food list, it's bad, it's horrible, it's terrible.  They can't or won't see that for me, it's an incredible choice.  It's not enough.  They want me to eat tuna on whole grain crackers.  Fuck that, that is never going to happen.  But my "good' choices are not good enough.
My whole life has been like this.  I've never been good enough.  I was too fat, and when I lost weight in college I still wasn't thin enough--at an 18.7 BMI/114 lbs.  I still didn't eat good enough, I still didn't exercise enough.  I still wasn't good enough.
If I got an A in school, why wasn't it an A+?  Why weren't all my grades A?  Why didn't I have more friends? Better friends?
And when I was thin, the refrain was constant: you're going to get fat again, if you keep eating like that.  If you keep not working out.  If, if, if.   And what happened?  I got fat again, and once again I wasn't good enough.
And now that I work out like a fiend, it's still not enough.  I'm not losing weight.  I literally run a marathon every week in the pool. I keep my calories below 1500, sometimes below 1000 (Yale wants me at 1600).   Not enough?  Too much?
I have some kind of balance problem.  It's always too much or not enough.   I eat too much, I don't eat enough.   I work out too much, not enough.  I weigh too much (but never not enough).  If I try to follow my own drummer, it's wrong.  When I try to follow someone else's instructions, they don't work for me.
God, I really wish I could remake the world so that I fit into it, since it's obviously I am never going to be able to make over myself to fit the world.




If you are reading this ANYWHERE but on itsafatlife.blogspot.com, it's stolen; please let me know. wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com. Thank you.