Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Ramped?



A few weeks or so ago, the fat guy in Mexico, Manuel Uribe, got married. Good for him, right? I think he's down to around 600 or 800 lbs, still stuck in bed. Well apparently he was upset because he couldn't consummate the marriage and some friends of his got together and built some kind of sex ramp device which would, um, facilitate him getting laid. Um. I don't get it, really, and trust me doing a Google image search for it is not a good idea with the safe image filter off. Your mind will break under the strain of what you see and still you won't find the answer to the puzzle of what the ramp exactly did for them. I'm not so fat someone can't have sex with me, so maybe that's the problem. I can picture maybe what I could do with a ramp (depending on how big it is--I do have a wedge pillow that I sleep on sometimes but I only use it for sleeping not fornicating). I wonder if the fat guy’s ramp is like the wedge pillow George Clooney carries around in that silly new movie Burn After Reading (which comes up a lot when you GIS the ramp idea)? Supposedly the ramp is concrete. Hmm. He can't leave the bed. Where does the ramp go? Is it on the bed? Next to the bed? Discovery Channel is down there all the time filming him; if there is a concrete ramp in the room next time I see him on TV I'm probably going to spit soda out my nose. Even if I'm not drinking any at the time.
(Screenprint of original article)

Fat And Sad Is No Way To Go Through Life

I'm sad, over my finances and my life and all the deaths around me. I've also gotten ugly. I used to be really pretty, but I guess that's gone now. I look like, I don't know, I look awful. My face is puffy and even make-up doesn't do much anymore. I dyed my hair over the weekend and it didn't come out that great. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. Some friends elfed me using an unflattering candid picture and I'm all jowls and fat neck and I look like a beast.
I'm too old not to know what I want to do with my life, and too old to start something new anyway. I have all sorts of talents but no one wants to hire me for them. My problem is that I'm "good" at a lot of things but not really "great" at very many. I'm spread too thin. I have no specialty.
And I just feel, all the time, that people really don't like me. People seem to get angry with me more than with others. I sent out a joke story to a bunch of friends, which I thought was really funny. It's a total set-up that doesn't end the way you expect. It's one of those anti-emails that go around to counter what Snopes calls "glurge"--annoyingly sweet and fake feel good emails. I got a note back from a friend of mine who USED to have a sense of humor saying I had sent him "bad energy" and basically blasting me for wishing bad things upon him, even though it wasn't a wish-based e-mail. It's not the first time this person has attacked me over something that seemed inconsequential to me. (He got mad once because I emailed him a party invite that had graphics and "used up" too much space in his inbox!) Maybe it's him and he’s just a jerk. But when someone attacks me like that over, well, nothing, my first inclination is to simply walk away, say 'Screw you, pal, find another friend' and move on. But I have too many people in my past that I have walked away from. I feel good about most of them--it was right and proper that I moved on--but I have to wonder if I have some fundamental flaw that eventually makes people turn on me over nothing.
I am also starting to worry that I smell bad. This is totally the fault of the internet. The message boards where I hang out often go onto anti-fattie rants (they post a lot of "kill it with fire" and "go be fat somewhere else" mean pictures) and most of it is about how bad fat people smell. I shower every day, I wear deodorant, I wear fresh clothes from the skin out. I use soap and shampoo. I wipe properly. (Can't say that without seeing Chris Farley doing air quotes around it.) I KNOW I don't smell bad. But everyone on the internet, upon seeing a picture of me, would immediately assumes I stink like moldy cheese. I have only ever known 2 fat people who smelled bad. One just smelled a little like sweaty armpits, and it was a mild smell and not offensive. The other, well, she really was gross. Apparently she had a massive yeast infection in her fat folds and the odor, well, indescribable. (I was friends with her brother & he told me about the yeast infection.) She was not the rule, but the exception. And I've known and met and sat near hundreds, probably thousands, of fat people. I used to go to meetings at the hospital when I was going to get bariatric surgery and these meetings had lots of fat people wanting surgery and they didn't stink. I knew a guy who weighed 640 pounds and he didn’t stink—except for his hair, he was a black guy and wore that weird smelly hair gel some black people use.
I was just at the grocery store and I found myself sniffing fat people. There was a very fat man, much fatter than me, who could hardly breath, with his cane hanging on the cart, not even able to lean over and grab a can of vegetables without hyperventilating. I sniffed him as I went by. If he smelled of anything, he smelled faintly of ass. But the aisle was kind of stinky in general.
The other misconception about fat people that the internet has is that fat people sweat a lot. I rarely sweat. In the pool when I am working out, yeah, because the water and air are over 90 degrees, but guess what the water washes it away! If anything, the only time I smell weird is when I leave the pool and I smell like Clorox from all the chlorine they put in to combat massive child pee.
My husband, who is not anywhere near as fat as me, sweats way more than me--he sweats on any kind of exertion and also when eating spicy food. But guess what? He also showers every day, uses soap and deodorant, and he doesn't stink either, even when he's sweaty. And if he gets really sweaty mowing the lawn or hiking or whatever, as soon as he's done he takes a shower, even if he took one already that day.
I was reading an anti-fattie rant the other day (apparently I like feeling horrible about myself) which mainly focused on airplanes. I do hate to travel by plane. It's horrid for my edema leg, I don't fit, etc. But when someone goes on and on about "buy two seats" I want to smack them. Have they ever TRIED to buy two seats? I tried when I went away in January because supposedly you could buy a 2nd seat for the kid's price. No dice. And if I bought a 2nd adult seat, they couldn't guarantee the seats were together (!) AND I wouldn't be allowed to bring double luggage. Plus you need a name and passport number for every seat. Um, my butt doesn't have its own passport. If airlines insist on buying airplanes with seats that are only 12 inches wide, then they can make it easier for people to buy two.
(Chris Farley source)

Everybody’s working for the weekend…

I'm working but it's a joke. A hiring firm recruited me for this "big" 3 month job, said it was 3 12 hour days per week, with 4 hours a day of overtime. Sweet, right? And still plenty of time to work out and NaNo and whatever on the other 4 days. 12 hour days are hard but it's only for 3 months, right? I had to take a pee test, undergo background and credit checks, fill out reams of paperwork--it was like I was going to work for the government. I think people going to work for Obama fill out less paperwork and I'm sure they get to skip the drug test. The contract comes...it's for ONE month. What? What happened to THREE months? Then I start the job. I'm not allowed to work more than 8 hours a day, it's every day, and...It’s only 2 weeks. Not even. This half week and next week. How bogus is that?
I only wonder who lied to whom. Did the hiring company know it was a 2 week job? Or did the other company misrepresent the assignment? I wrote to the hiring company and complained. This company was calling and emailing me to the point of being a nuisance trying to get me into this job. (I wonder how much they are getting paid for me? I bet twice what I'm making an hour) They would call my house phone, leave a message and immediately call my cell and leave another message and a few minutes later try both again, even when I had told them I’d be out and to please just e-mail me follow up information. Now they are ignoring me. Nice.
Everyone at work keeps telling me where the kitchen in our department is and where the cafeteria in the building is. When I tell them I am fine just eating a protein bar, they don't believe me. They tell me about the wonderful grocery store nearby and all the restaurants on this road. "There's a microwave if you are bringing in food." "I have a protein bar, thanks." "Here's the cafeteria menu." "I have a protein bar, thanks." Yesterday I went out at lunch to move my car from the visitor lot to the employee lot. The visitor lot is near the cafeteria. The smell of fish was so overpowering I had to cover my nose as I crossed the parking lot. This was OUTSIDE in the RAIN and it stunk. I can't imagine how bad it must have smelled inside that section of the building, or inside the cafeteria itself. I glanced at the menu online and sure enough, famous fish fry yesterday. Yeah, famous for the smell.
Basically I'm a temporary technical writer at this job. Something to add to my resume, I guess. I'm putting together a small project and writing detailed instructions for later, when someone needs to modify the project or wants to create a similar one. It's pretty easy but I guess no one here knows how to do any of this. I work on the project for a while, stop, write down everything I just did, explain how I did it and use plenty of screen prints for illustration. I wish I had Quark (or Adobe InDesign) and Photoshop. I could be making a sweet little technical book. Instead I have Word and the horrid picture and drawing toolbars.
It's not awful to have this job. I'm pretty much left alone--someone brings me a segment of work and I do it and document it and then get the next segment. It's not 3 months work no matter how slow I go. It's not even faintly challenging. I have a window and I'm high up in the building so I have a view. It's not interesting--a busy street with a strip mall, part of a parking lot, a few trees. The pines are green; everything else is brown and looks like big dead bushes from here. The sky is totally gray with blowing clouds and rain. Welcome to New England after the pretty leaves have fallen and before the snow comes.
I don't know anyone at this job and won't exert myself to. I'm only here a week and a half, why bother? Everyone is way older than me, for one thing. I have a badge with a bad picture of me and no one says anything even when I am wandering through the halls lost looking for the bathroom or elevator. The place is huge. It's a bunch of interconnected buildings. Yesterday I asked someone to walk me to the other building where my car was at the visitor's lot. This person got lost trying to bring me there and he had a map of the building! There are no signs on the wall with "you are here" and as far as I can tell no one ever leaves their department except to use the bathroom, stairs or elevator.

NaNo update

I've been having a real hard time lately. This week is the anniversary of my dad's death. I had 3 pets die on me in 5 weeks (end of September to beginning of November). My laptop died--components came unsoldered from the motherboard-- and a new motherboard cost only $59 less than a replacement laptop of the same type. So I got a new one. I was without a computer for a week and a half, so my NaNoWriMo word count is dismal. I should have spent more time preparing, that part is my fault. I bought the so-called script for 27 Dresses; it cost way too much and wasn't the shooting script. It hardly matched the movie. And it was on paper so I had to retype it for it to be useable. I had to watch the movie and take notes of what was different, which was way too much. I ended up finding the captions online, but they have no action and no hint of who is speaking so I have to watch the movie and annotate them. And since my DVD player is upstairs (where my laptop usually lives) I couldn't work on the annotes, as they were all on my hard drive. (My hard drive is fine, it's installed in my new computer already—it was just the motherboard and the video that went.) I'm just terribly behind. I'm not going to get to 15,000 words in 5 days. Not happening.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Nanowrimo update & death hits again

So I'm slogging away working on my NaNo novel which is why I've been so quiet. Since I am doing a parody of a movie, I bought the script and also rented the DVD and now I am watching the DVD and making notes on the script (scripts are really bare boned). My eyes feel like they are going to fall out of my head. Nothing ruins a fun movie more than having to pause it every other minute to take notes.
I've also been typing a good bit of the script and reworking it to be funnier. Is it? I don't know. Don't feel much like writing anything especially humor. Had another death in my animal family. I feel so cursed. And sad. And broken inside.