Monday, September 22, 2008

death & dying

My cat is doing really badly. I should have let him go last week. I wanted to put him to sleep, my husband didn't, I let him change my mind. Now I want to and he doesn't. I told him flat out we can keep arguing about it as long as he wants and the cat will just die in the meantime and take the decision away from us. It's making me miserable.
The job-ending-soon situation isn't helping much either.
Saturday I almost died. I'm not being melodramatic. I choked on a piece of crappy roast beef and had to get the Heimlich. It happened so fast I didn't have time to be scared. I was chewing this mouthful of tough meat and then it slid down my throat and lodged there. I could feel that it was moving toward the back of my mouth before I was ready and I was trying to chew it harder, faster, because it was a big, tough lump (not really edible, in fact). And then it was stuck fast. I was so astonished, I didn't know what to do or say. I think I was making noises. My husband looked at me and said, "are you choking?" and I must have nodded because he came across the room and punched me in the stomach. I know that's not really how it's done, but I was on a couch against the wall and he had no idea how to get behind me and do it properly. I honestly didn't think it would work but the hunk of meat popped right out.
Basically I had a hankering for roast beef, which is a rare thing. But oven roasts were on sale and there were none left so I bought a pot roast, thinking that I cook the meat inside a foil pouch filled with marinade and that would soften it up. That failed. I soaked mine in a lot of brown onion gravy and hoped for the best. Obviously the best did not involve nearly dying while sitting on my couch watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
Now I have a stomach ache as if I did several hundred crunches. No bruise, but it feels bruised. And had to endure my husband yelling at me to chew my food. I was chewing! I didn't swallow it on purpose. I wasn't done chewing--that's why I choked.
In hindsight it was pretty scary and I don't care to ever repeat the experience.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

no fast food, no job, sick pet, no vacation


I gave up fast food without even noticing I did it. I can't even tell you exactly when it happened. Sometime in July? As far back as June? First I started bringing cans of diet Pepsi with me to save on buying soda, but as the prices of food (and gas) kept rising, I started going less often and bringing food from home instead--leftovers, mostly rice dishes. Now I don't even do that. I have a Special K Protein Bar and a bottle of spring water for lunch and half a bar for breakfast. But the weird thing is, I'm not on a diet. I didn't do any of this consciously.
The Special K thing happened by accident. I forgot my leftovers and I had no cash and I hate using my debit card to buy fast food. I said something offhand to a friend at work and she whipped open her drawer to show me it was full of meal replacement bars of various flavors and brands. She handed me a Special K one and I figured it would be disgusting but I was hungry. And you know what? It wasn't disgusting at all. It was pretty good. I found them at Wal-mart and bought a few boxes and for the last couple of weeks I've been eating that for lunch, plus half of one for breakfast, and eating whatever for supper as usual. I didn't weigh myself until a few days ago so I don't know if it's going to cause me to lose weight. But I'm not DOING it to lose weight. My mind is very strange about it. I'm not on a diet, I'm saving money.
And I really need to save money now. My cushy contract job that was supposed to go permanent this week instead is being eliminated in mid-October. I'm angry and sad and feeling kind of used. I had spent some money on repairs to my house that I would have held off on if I had known that the whole "you're being hired at the end of your contract with a raise and full benefits" speech was a lie.
The day before I found out, one of my cats got really really sick. I was on the verge of putting him to sleep. Instead I had him fixed up. $500+. Wouldn't have been a big deal if I got hired, right? Now I'm in panic mode, and worse, thinking that if I had known, I would have killed a cat that could have been saved because I was being cheap.
And one of my fish died, that I had for over 2 years, on Friday.
Our wedding anniversary is coming up. I was supposed to get 3 weeks vacation. My husband is being sent to a destination spot for work and I was going to use one of my shiny new vacation weeks to go with him, only having to pay airfare & food as his work is paying his airfare and hotel & food. The days he was working I was going to spend swimming at the beach, walking on sand to help my edema and generally being happy. Of course I can't afford even that now, and it's the only time my husband will be sent there as his company is closing that location (the reason he's being sent).
I feel like a punching bag.