Sunday, October 29, 2006

edema leg


I just went shoe-shopping. The female part of me gets all excited. Pretty shoes. Fun socks. Matching purse. Matching wallet.
The fat side of me gets all depressed. No high heels. No pointy toes. No socks.
I got a pair of rather ugly, clunky, square-toed slip-on low-heeled skid-resistant shoes to wear to work. They fit, they don't pinch, they do the job.
I decided, since it's buy one get one half off that I'll get a pair of snow boots. I haven't owned a pair of snow boots in years. I wear my combo sneaker/hiking boots for snow (and they are low tops so in deep snow they suck).
I found a nice pair, low heel, with a side zipper AND a lace-up front, that came to mid-calf.
Even with the laces completely undone, I couldn't zip the calf on my edema leg. I almost started crying right there in Payless. I just want a pair of boots so I can go outside in deep snow. Is that so much to ask?

Happy Halloween

I changed my Yahoo Avatar for Halloween. If you look at it on my Yahoo 360 page, the lightning flashes and the ghost hovers and moves.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

That template didn't last

It had crosses all down the right side. Upside down ones. I'm not a Satanist or a Christian so I zapped that template. It was called ThisawayRose. Nice name, bad execution.

Switched to Blogger Beta

I don't know why I resisted for so long. I think it was the finality of it--you cannot switch back. I was worried I'd lose information, or how to edit the template. Instead the template editing is practically idiot-proof and I was able to transfer all my information in about ten minutes. Very cool. And the name of this template is something Rose--come away rose or something. It is VERY pink, isn't it? But I didn't want to have to go back and change all the posts with pink lettering (which showed up well against the old dark green background). Plus I can use post labels.
You know I want to go back and put post labels on all my 500+ existing posts. NO TIME! NaNoWriMo looms on the horizon.
And cool, this version of blogger underlines misspellings in red. I like it! I wish I'd done it sooner!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Fat drivers consume more gas?

Fat drivers consume more gas: report - Oct. 26, 2006

I think I like the "blog this" button on the Google toolbar for Firefox. I switched to Firefox recently. You should too. I was always a Netscape girl, always hated IE, and now I'm a Firefox girl. Fickle, fickle am I.
Anyway, I think this report is some kind of bullshit propaganda, OR they didn't take everything in account--the same thing that makes people fat may also make them use more gas, for instance. That fat virus. I don't know. I'm not a scientist or a researcher, just a fat woman with lots of opinions.
Anyway, this is what the article says:

The widening waistlines of Americans have increased the consumption of gasoline since 1960....Americans now pump 938 million gallons of fuel more on a yearly basis than they were in 1960 because of their increasing weight.

You can click the link and read the rest for yourself, but it doesn't say much more than that. I bet the person who did the study is thin and thinks fat people have no willpower and are lazy.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Fast food quiz

I found this on another blog. You're supposed to pick the healthier choice.


1. Dunkin' Donuts Croissant sandwich with sausage, egg, and cheese OR Dunkin' Donuts English muffin with ham, egg, and cheese

2. McDonald's Triple Thick Shake (16 oz.) OR Wendy's Frosty (16 oz.)

3. KFC Original Recipe Chicken Sandwich OR Boston Market Chicken Carver Sandwich

4. Burger King Whopper OR Arby's Super Roast Beef Sandwich

5. Starbucks Cinnamon Chip Scone OR Panera Chocolate Chip Muffin


I'm going to make my guesses before I read the results. For all I know this is one of those quizzes where the logical answer is wrong, but here goes:
I say the healthier choices are:
1. The English Muffin because ham is less fatty than sausage and an English Muffin is baked while a croissant is fried (I think--or it's got a lot of butter, either way I know they have a lot of fat)
2. I'm guessing the shake, but they are probably close.
3. Boston Market sandwich which is broiled (or whatever its called when they're on the rotating rack) while KFC is fried.
4. Probably the roast beef...but I would get them both plain, and a lot of the calories are in the crappy toppings.
5. How big are they? I don't eat at either place. I'm guessing the muffin, but if it's huge and the scone is small...I have no clue.

Here are the real answers:
1. Croissant sandwich has 650 calories, 39 g carb, 45 g fat; English muffin has 310 calories, 34 g carb, 10 g fat ROSIE IS CORRECT.
2. McDonald's shake has 580 calories, 94 g carb, 17 g fat; Wendy's shake has 435 calories, 73 g carb, 11 g fat ROSIE IS WRONG
3. The KFC sandwich has 445 calories, 27 g carb, 27 g fat; the Boston market sandwich has 670 calories, 68 g carb, 33 g fat ROSIE IS WRONG
4. The Whopper has 700 calories, 42 g carb, 52 g fat; the Super Roast Beef sandwich has 440 calories, 19 g carb, 48 g fat ROSIE IS CORRECT
5. The scone has 515 calories, 71 g carb, 23 g fat; the muffin has 240 calories, 36 g carb, 10 g fat
ROSIE IS CORRECT

So I suck at this. 3/5. Well, I'm fat, what the hell did you expect? If I knew how to eat properly would I look like a caricature of myself?

bad arm day

You know how some people have bad hair days? I'm having a bad arm day.
I just DON'T like my arms lately. I work on them, and I think that makes me dislike them more. I know they are doing the best they can. But they are UGLY. I know I'm supposed to love my body as it is and blah blah blah, but damn, if I saw my arms on someone else I'd be grossed out. If I flex I can feel my biceps in there, all nice and hard, although the shape of my arm doesn't change much. My triceps are so buried in my flappy fat bat wings they might as well not even be there. Strong? Yes. Sleek? Not by a long shot.
Every time I move my arm, I feel my floppy bat wings trembling. I feel like I should be hidden in a damn burka. Just hide it all. Fuck it. Not that I'd want to be a muslim, just that it must be great some days not to worry about what the hell you look like.
And I'm having a bad hair day on top of this. My hair is just awful. I deep conditioned it last night so it's soft and combed out and snarl-free. It's getting long so I thought I'd wear it down for once. Instead I look like Jesus (but not with brown hair). Not a good look for me. If you see a big fat woman with enormous floppy arms and Jesus hair in Connecticut, that would be me. I need a hair cut. I need an arm lift (Brachioplasty). My NaNo plotting isn't going well either. I guess I'll log onto that blog and whine over there.
Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the restraints.

Friday, October 20, 2006

small seat, big ass & slightly off-topic concert musings

I went to see Godsmack at Mohegan Sun last night. I went to a concert there a few years ago and hated it. The seats were so small I couldn't cram my butt into them. I know my butt is big, but usually I fit into a goddamn chair. At the other concert, someone puked near me and I used that as an excuse not to sit in my seat--they let me stand up in the back of the section and watch the show from there.
I said to myself, "I hate Mohegan Sun's seats. But I love Godsmack. What to do?"
And I went. I 've lost weight (probably about 40 lbs) and I've streamlined my lower body a lot by adding muscle (so I've probably lost more than 40 lbs of fat, replacing it with muscle which weighs more but takes up 2 1/2 x less space). My thought: I'll have no problem sitting.
I got there, lowered myself into my most excellent seat beside the stage (thank you Friends of Jimmy) and my butt didn't slide easily into the chair. I was able to compress it, and it didn't cause me actual pain like last time, but squeezing by the arms was uncomfortable. I had to lever myself in and out with my arms. Once I was in the chair, I was okay, except that my knees were pressed against the seat-back in front of me. Most people didn't have that going on. My legs are long for my height, but not that long. I think my butt is so big that it pushed my whole body forward in the chair. It was just NOT pleasant.
Idiots in the balcony kept pouring beer on us and I got hit in the head by an almost-full beer. Gross. I hate beer. I hate having beer soaking me. Especially while my ass is shoe-horned into a child-sized seat.
The show was great. They opened with AC/DC's "For Those About to Rock (We Salute You") played against a video of previous Godsmack concerts. I was already hoarse by the end of that and Godsmack hadn't even started yet. It made me want to go so bad to an AC/DC concert. It's been at least 10 years since they came to CT--the Ballbreaker tour--1995. On the next tour (Stiff Upper Lip), they went to the Boston area and it was like a Tuesday or something so I couldn't go. They played a small show in NYC when they got into the Hall of Fame a few years ago and now they've been silent. Supposedly Brian Johnson is doing opera in Florida. I miss those shows--they were a staple part of my adolescence, and of course where I got my "Whole Lotta Rosie" nick-name. (And can you believe Wikipedia has a whole article on that song?)

Thursday, October 19, 2006

fat=stupid. It's official.

I know my depression hurts me mentally more than my weight--could that be the connection? I have depressed thin friends and they feel stupid because of it. This should be investigated more, I think.

Adding to the litany of health problems linked to obesity, the results of a five-year study suggest that a high body mass index may impair cognitive abilities in middle-aged adults.....Cross-sectionally, a higher BMI was associated with lower cognitive scores after adjustment for age, sex, educational level, blood pressure, diabetes, and other psychosocial co-variables....Obesity is a marker or proxy for diabetes and hypertension, which have been repeatedly shown to be associated with cognitive decline in middle age and elderly.....The findings were echoed by another study published in the same journal, which showed physical fitness is associated with the preservation of cognitive function over time.

I'm trying to be in my power, as suggested by my new-age healing session (no, she wasn't a Scientologist--they "heal" by pointing only), and not feel like or act like or think like a victim. I do things, things are not done to me. A study cannot make me feel stupid. I choose to feel stupid. And I don't choose to feel stupid. So there.

obesity documentary looking for real people

I know nothing more about this than what's on this site. Supposedly a film is being made to "out" all the deceptive weight-loss practices, diet aids, books, etc and they are looking for real people willing to name names and be on film. If you're interested, go to the link, not to me.

bariatric butt surgery

I can't make this stuff up. They are saying that new bariatric surgeries (in about 10 years) will have no incision. They will be done through the butt or mouth and be very different from what we have now.
Up the butt versus no scar. If I can get my colon cleansed by a tube up the butt, what's the big deal?

Stomach-stapling surgery to combat obesity may be done in the future with a tube inserted through the mouth, making the procedure safer than using an incision and opening the way for more people to undergo it, doctors say. ....Doing the surgery without incisions will make it a lower-risk, lower-cost proposition and may be applicable to patients who are less obese than those who are currently considered for surgery.... Natural orifice transendoscopic surgery, or NOTE, requires no incisions because instruments -- like long tubes with robotic arms and staple guns -- can be inserted through the mouth and snaked down the esophagus. Another possibility...is inserting a sleeve, or a tube, into the intestines that would interfere with calorie absorption. Those are about five to 10 years away....If the work to be done involves the lower portion of the intestines, instruments can be inserted through the rectum. Using a natural orifice, like the mouth or the rectum,... would drive down costs even more because the procedure could be done without anesthesia, which would also make it less risky.
WITHOUT anesthesia!? You're going to stick "robotic arms" up my butt or down my throat while I am AWAKE? No way. Knock me out, please. A little tube of warm water is one thing. A robot is another thing entirely.
Low cost, less recovery time, sleeving the intestines rather than chopping them up--all sound good. Robotic arms down my throat and up my butt?
Not.

too fat to be killed?

Now I've heard everything.
Cult leader says he's too obese for execution
A federal judge on Tuesday delayed next week's execution of cult leader Jeffrey Lundgren to allow him to join a lawsuit by five other death row inmates challenging the state's use of lethal injection.
In his request to join the lawsuit, Lundgren, 56, said he is at even greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering during the procedure than other inmates because he is overweight and diabetic.
....Lundgren's sentence stems from a conviction for the fatal shooting of a family of five in 1989. The family, which included three children, were killed while they stood in a pit....
Lundgren formed a cult after he was dismissed in 1987 as a lay minister....He said passages in the Bible told him to kill the family. Several witnesses said the family was not as enthusiastic about the cult as Lundgren would have liked.
O....kay.....It's all right to stand a family IN A HOLE and SHOOT them but not to stick a needle in a fat guy? What the hell is wrong with our country?
And yes, it's hard to find my veins--even when I was thin (it's genetic--my grandma's not overweight and she has problem veins too). If I was on death row I wouldn't be whining about it though.
This could easily go off topic so I am stopping now.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Freaks and fatties

Last week my husband was watching a documentary on a woman who was going for Ms. Olympia. I don't know the name of it; it was on TLC. I was upstairs reading. He kept yelling at the tv and then calling for me to turn it on "and look at the freaks". I've seen bodybuilders; I didn't turn it on. Finally he came upstairs and turned it on and watched it with me. He thought it was the most disgusting thing he'd even seen (but notice he didn't turn it off) and he wanted me to agree. Instead, I completely shocked him by saying that I admired those women for their determination and drive (not for the steroids) and I would rather have their bodies than mine. He completely lost it. How could I want to look like that? It's disgusting. I look pretty disgusting now, what's the difference? He said bodybuilders are more freakish and unnatural than fat people.
There are similarities. Let's pretend we are in high school English class and do a compare/contrast. I am going with broad ideas here, not specifics, so all of these might not be true for all bodybuilders and all overweight people (including me):

  • Fat people and bodybuilders both eat more
  • Fat people do less exercise body builder do more
  • Fat people and bodybuilders weigh more
  • They are both very big
  • They both have abnormal body shapes
  • They have both done this to themselves (bodybuilders by conscious choice, overweight by unconscious choice)
  • Society is uncomfortable viewing either body type
  • Both are unhealthy (steroid use/poor diet)
  • Both are based on compulsive behavior (working out as addiction, food as addiction)
  • Both have impaired body images/self esteem
  • Someone enables them both to have this lifestyle unless they are wealthy.
There are probably more than that, but that's the start. And once again, these are VERY GENERAL I don't want to get hate mail from bodybuilders.
The Ms Olympia thing was followed by another related documentary about a man with 23" biceps. HE was a freak. I would NOT want to look like him. I can admire his drive, but not that he peddled steroids or used dirty needles or pumped himself so far up he barely resembled a human. It was called the Man whose Arms exploded, or something like that. It doesn't come up anymore on the TLC website. One of the other people profiled said he ate 12,000 calories a day. He would work out for a couple of hours, go home and eat, return to work out, go home and eat, etc, all day, every day. And of course with that lifestyle you CAN'T work. How can you work out 8-10+ hours a day if you have a job? And who pays for all that food--3-4x what a regular man would eat? Not dissimilar to those morbidly obese people who can't leave their beds. Someone else supports their lifestyle, shops for all their food and brings in money somehow to pay for food, rent, etc.
However, I stand by my statement that I'd rather look like a Ms Olympia hopeful than like a pre-historic Venus figure (see my profile photo). Any thoughts?
Also, watching the Ms Olympia thing really made me want to work out.
Answer my question about this on Yahoo answers.

New-age healing session

I had a new age-type healing session this weekend. It was partially hands-on, you know, stuff like Reiki (but it was something else, not Reiki), plus toning and singing bowls and crystals and flower essence sprays. Kind of fun. And the woman took the time to TALK to me as well.
I like energy healing, it feels good, it's very relaxing, but it's never helped my leg (and didn't this time either).
The healer had some strange ideas about addiction. She said that "elementals" live inside people with addictions and are fed by them, and you can't overcome the addiction unless the elemental is cast out. Kind of like a demon, I guess. I thought elementals were nice nature spirits, earth, air, fire, water. So not sure what kind of elemental would be living in me eating my food. I asked her if it was like a tapeworm. Because if you have a tapeworm, you eat a lot but get thinner cuz you get no nutrition--the tapeworm takes it all. She thought that was pretty funny. I don't think it was a funny question at all. She also did a little meditation with me which was supposed to cast out any implants, blockages, spirits, etc that are in my aura and not helping me. I'm not big on aliens either--I thought implants came from aliens. Don't you? but apparently most implants are from the PERSON themselves. Not sure how aliens got to be part of it. Or how or why I would put a harmful implant into my own body (ethereal, not something like a piercing). But I guess they are gone now. I wouldn't mind an elemental living in my body if it ate my food and I was thin. I don't really understand it, I guess. People who know and are reading this are probably cringing...if so, comment and explain to me!
She said one really interesting thing about addictions and giving things up. She said you can't think of it as denial, of not having, of longing. She said think of it as an opportunity to live your life without that, to have that space available for something else. I thought that was very interesting.
So if you smoke a pack a day, let's say that costs you $5 a day (I have no idea what they cost, I know it's up there). That's $35 a week, or over $1800 a year. Plus all the things that go along with being a smoker--buying lighters, cleaning tobacco stains and burns from your surroundings, etc. Let's say an even $2,000. You could go on vacation with that money. Pay off a credit card. Take yourself out for dinner and a movie every week. I can see that part. But how do you convince yourself not to long, not to want, not to need your cigarettes?
I didn't use food as an example on purpose.

an advantage to being fat

It's 35 degrees out, a brisk and lovely autumn day in New England. Leaves are turning yellow, orange and red, and just starting to fall. It's gorgeous--the reason why people move here.
I am warm. I am wearing sandals and capris and a t-shirt.
Skinny people are huddled in coats and gloves as if it's snowing.
I wouldn't mind gloves--my car's steering wheel gets kind of cold, but that's a different thing than my BODY being cold--I don't want to put my warm hands on cold plastic (or vinyl, whatever it is).

Thursday, October 12, 2006

aspartame is not ant poison

Some urban legends are just SO STUPID I can't understand why anyone would believe them. That's why I LOVE Snopes and Mythbusters.
Anyway, this one--saying Aspartame is really ant poison-- is making the email-rounds. I try to email back by hitting "reply to all" and tell everyone to stop forwarding this unsubstantiated crap to everyone they know but people just get pissed off at me. It's easier to forward something without checking the facts I guess, and spread fear and ignorance over the globe.
Here's the substance (edited for space--read the whole inane piece of garage at the link--and notice all the errors which are NOT mine):
I read somewhere that aspartame (Nutrasweet sweetener) was actually developed as an ant poison, and only changed to being considered non-poisonous after it was realized that a lot more money could be made on it as a sweetener than as an ant poison.....Aspertame is neuropoison. It most likely kills the ants by interferring with their nervous system. It could be direct, like stopping their heart, or something more subtile like killing their sense of taste so they can't figure out what is eatable, or smell, so they can't follow their trails, or misidentify their colonies members, so they start fighting each other. Not sure what causes them to end up dieing, just know that for many species of ants it will kill the quickly and effectively. As with any poison I recommend wearing gloves and washing any skin areas that come in contact with this poison, and avoid getting in your mouth, despite anything the labeling may indicate.
How could ANYONE believe this?
Snopes to the rescue.
They refute:
The realms of science and technology include many instances of "accidental discoveries," cases in which inventors sought to develop one thing, but ended up creating something quite different..... The artificial sweetener aspartame (marketed under the brand name NutraSweet) was no such accidental discovery, however. Rather than being initially developed as an "ant poison," as claimed above, it was developed by G.D. Searle in the late 1960s and early 1970s specifically as an artificial sweetener.... The author of the anti-aspartame screed reproduced above appears to have taken her information about aspartame's being "developed as an ant poison, and only changed to being considered non-poisonous after it was realized that a lot more money could be made on it as a sweetener" directly from a satirical article titled "FDA Certifies Aspartame as Ant Poison"... The appearance of this article on a site called The Spoof!, along with its disclaimer that "The story as represented above is written as a satire or parody. It is fictitious," should provide most readers with sufficient clues for discerning that the article is, in fact, a spoof. Unfortunately, the mistaking of parody for factual information is representative of the dubious quality of much of the anti-aspartame information to be found on the Internet.



I don't know why this issue bothers me so much. It's like those commercials for the "only on tv" gadgets where they make everything look SO COMPLICATED--like the one for the fan which supposedly cools your car. The woman gets into the regular car and snatches her hands off the steering wheel with a over-blown expression of pain. Then she buys the stupid fan, gets into the car and grins like a moron. My husband saw that commercial and immediately said, "the cause of the hot steering wheel is the sun beating into your car. The fan might move the air but only covering the windshield will stop the steering wheel from heating up."
As you all know by now, commercials in general annoy the hell out of me. Ironic because in the past I've written radio ads and now as part of my graphic design work I design print ads. I figure if the ad annoys the hell out of me, it's pretty good.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

NaNoWriMo (slightly off topic)

I'm doing NaNoWriMo again this year. It's not going to be chronicled on this blog--check the sidebar for the link to my 360 blog or look at the animated gif for recent posts.

Rosie's NaNoWri Blog
This gif is also in my sidebar. It will show the last 5 posts. To get one of these, go to Feedburner. FREE.
NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, for those not in the know, is writing insanity. 50,000 words in 30 days, between November 1 and November 30 every year.
My novel this year will be called "Confessions of a Fattie" and will no doubt draw heavily on this blog. Excerpts and word counts will be on the OTHER blog.
If you are a writer or ever wanted to be, come check it out.
Anyway, while I'm doing NaNo, all my writing ability will be pushed toward those 1700+ words a day. So at the beginning of the month, while I get ahead, expect me to be quiet.
I will answer e-emails.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Insomnia

I've had a hard time sleeping every Monday night for the past few weeks. Last night was no exception. I keep the bedroom TV on a sleep timer and leave it on and go to sleep listening. Most of the time I don't even hear it go off. But on Mondays, I hear it go off at around 1 a.m. and then I just lay there with my mind churning, exhausted, unable to fall asleep. Last night I got up after 2 a.m. and went downstairs to read for a while, came back up at 3 a.m., laid in bed, tossed, turned, went downstairs and woke up a few of my pets who weren't amused or interested, went back to bed, watched the sky lighten, heard the alarm go off to wake up my husband for school around 6:00 and then I drifted off--only to have him wake me up at 7:00 as he was leaving.
Now I am ready to collapse. I work a full day on Tuesdays, and Tuesday is also my busiest day at work. I have school tonight and I know AGAIN I'll be yawning and unable to pay attention in class and driving home in the dark I'll feel like I'm going to fall asleep at the wheel.
I was thinking perhaps it's because I'm not working out in the pool on Mondays anymore. But then I would be sleepless on other nights when I used to go to the pool, and I'm not. Occasionally on Saturday nights I do the same thing but I just sleep late on Sunday and it's no big deal.
Sometimes I have class on Monday night too (I did last night) but whether I have class or not doesn't seem to influence if I can sleep. I don't go to bed any later if I go out.
I'm not sure if it's got anything to do with my weight (I don't feel like it does) but I thought I'd mention it. There hasn't been any interesting news about weight-loss to blog and nothing much going on in my "fat" life. I did have a "Rosie" dream for the brief period I was asleep but I don't remember much about it except people were calling me Rosie. It was like I had a Rosie costume on, or that all the non-Rosie parts had been stripped away.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

bariatric surgery success story

Let's get back on track with the real subject of this blog.

I was shopping recently in a retail store where I worked a few years ago. A guy who worked with me back then came over to say hi. He's a big, tall guy and he was immensely fat--walked with a cane, all kinds of health problems. Nice guy. Unhappy guy. Immediately I saw how much weight he'd lost and I asked him what surgery he'd had (he'd lost way too much for it to be a diet) and he said he had a "full bypass" (there are several kinds, but I didn't push) and we talked about it for a while. In four months he'd lost 130 lbs. He said he also lost about 30 lbs to get the surgery (it wasn't clear if those were part of the 130 or not). He's not walking with a cane anymore and he said his diabetes is almost gone. I was looking at his face--he used to have one of those doughy non-faces--and thinking he was rather handsome, with nice eyes, although he still has a weird skin condition, and I said, "you look good" but I immediately revised it because I realized the true difference: "You look happy." He grinned at me, a big smile like I'd never seen on him, and said that he was healthy and felt great and what a difference the surgery had made in his life. He told me how old he was--I never knew--he's the same exact age as me, and he said he wasn't going to live to see 40 if he didn't lose weight.
Even his VOICE sounded different. He used to have a very deep, almost gruff voice, and it's higher now. Not high-pitched like a girl, but not so bass anymore.
I'm very happy for him. It made me sad when I saw him with a cane, out of breath from hobbling across the store to say hello when I came in to shop. No one under 40 should walk with a cane unless they've been injured in an accident.

a funny thing happened in the restaurant

My mom wanted to take me out to dinner to repay me for all the help I've given her and all the time I've been spending over there with my dad and helping her with him and with their animals and yard etc. So last night the four of us (me mom dad hubby) went out for a nice meal. My husband drove. My mom proclaims, as soon as she gets into the car, "for once I didn't bring my purse!" (My dad is insane over her purse. She literally has to keep it on her lap whenever we go anywhere--she can't hang it on the chair or put it next to her in the both. It's annoying for her and it annoys me just on principle that he's got to nitpick over it.) We eat our meal and the waitress brings the bill. My mom opens the folder, slips in some plastic and closes it again. I open it and look at the "payment" she offered: her driver's license. I point that out to her and she turns bright red. She didn't have her credit card with her--she grabbed the wrong thing out of her wallet. Yes my mom is blonde. Luckily my husband had his, so we paid for the thank-you meal from my mom. Just shows the kind of pressure she's under. She had to quit her job to take care of my dad some months ago but she's too young to retire so their income is severely reduced. I'm already working for a quarter of my previous salary so I can't help them and they can't help me.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My father

I really don't want to get into a lot of details--it's not the point of this blog.
Suffice to say, my father already has a fatal illness. Now he's got 2 fatal illnesses. They are utterly incompatible. If we treat illness B, it could (probably would) make him either brain damaged or even paralyzed (because of the first illness, which is neurological). So he'd live longer, but as a vegetable or in a wheelchair. If we don't treat it, it will kill him eventually, long before the first illness does. The first illness has no known cure or treatment that will do anything but make him more comfortable. Even if we could treat illness B without him getting brain damage or paralyzed, illness A will still kill him--very slowly.
The small procedure he had this week for illness B really took a toll on him, mentally and physically, and even another small procedure like that could do him in or have horrible consequences.
So it's come down to quality of life versus quantity. Not a choice anyone should have to make about a loved one, or themselves. Everyone wants those we love to live forever. But we want them to be happy and healthy while they live that long.
I can't do anything else for him except visit with him, take him places when he feels up to it, and cry on my way home.