Thursday, October 27, 2005

I'm a cliche

Okay, I'm fat. I'm blonde. And now I have a hairy mole on my face. I'm like the substitute teachers we all made fun of in middle school.

I was putting lotion on my face the other night while sprawled on my stomach, ice pack on my tailbone, reading a romance novel (another cliche). I have cats (yet another cliche) and they leave hair everywhere for me, as a gift I suppose, or so I don't forget them. (Wow, look at all this hair on the bed. Where'd it come from? Oh yeah, I have cats. I better feed them & empty their litter box.) So I was not surprised to find a hair stuck to my face as I lotioned up.

Except it wasn't stuck. It was growing. From a little dark beauty mark/mole/freckle (all the same IMHO).

Frantically I looked for the mirror I keep beside the bed, but I couldn't find it. So I hauled myself painfully out of the bed (it's very high, and my tailbone hurts very much) and went downstairs (ouch-step-ouch-step-ouch-step) to the bathroom.

And there was a 2 inch hair growing out of the freckle on my jaw.

How long does it take a hair to reach 2 inches? Why didn't anyone TELL me?

I immediately got the eyebrow tweezers and pulled it. It was thick and dark and had a bit of curl.


Now I keep touching it to see if the hair is growing back. It will, right? I didn't make it bleed when I pulled it so I didn't get the root.

Why do the gods hate me?

Monday, October 24, 2005

irony on TLC "It's not my fault I'm fat" ... brought to you by McDonalds

Last night I watched a show on TLC called "it's not my fault I'm fat" about a disease called Prader-Willi which causes those afflicted to be ravenously hungry at all times and literally eat themselves to death. To make matters worse, they have terrible metabolisms and it's even easier for them to gain weight than regular people AND very hard for them to lose (esp with their insane eating). The show featured two 13-year-old kids weighing over 200 lbs each and one adult at 450 lbs. Heartbreaking. Plus they all seem very mildly retarded, which doesn't help much. (Tt doesn't look like it's scheduled to be on again any time soon, but the link is above for however long it lasts.)

I could insert a comment here on why TLC suddenly has so many shows on about fat people. Maybe they always have and I never paid attention before.

However, the real reason I bring it that the show was SPONSORED BY MCDONALDS.
What the fuck was TLC thinking? What was MCDONALDS thinking? Not that I like Mcdonalds (although they gave me my 1st job)--but please, with all the lawsuits brought against them by fat people, how could they?

NaNoWriMo time again

It's exactly 7 days and 4 hours away and I haven't decided yet if I'm going to do it this year. Such craziness. I don't feel like I have the time. write 50,000 words of a novel in 30 days.

Friday, October 21, 2005

exercise duration vs intensity

I have complained before about the water aerobics class at the pool I go to, how it's all about "go faster, go faster" with no explanations on form or WHY you are doing whatever it is you're blindly "Simon Sez..." following. And no modifications offered either.

Well, a report chronicaled in CNN says that it's the amount of time you exercise, no how hard you exercise during that time. BUT...they also weight loss noted from exercise during this study. (Which is also what I've been seeing.)

I'm not going to repost the whole thing here (parts of it are quite boring), just the most interesting facts.

How much you exercise may be more important than how hard you exercise in terms of heart health, according to a study of sedentary overweight men and women. .... In journal CHEST, researchers from North Carolina report that people who walk briskly for 12 miles per week or for about 125 to 200 minutes per week will significantly improve their aerobic fitness and lower their risk of developing heart disease. .... (T)he 12-miles-per-week walkers in the study improved their fitness without losing any weight. ....

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

fell AGAIN

Last night I had some friends over, and I had wet feet (long story) and I was walking into kitchen. When my wet left foot hit the slick kitchen floor, it went out from under me. My right foot was still in the living room. It got crumpled behind me, my knee wrenched, and of course I landed square on my tailbone again, in front of 10 people.

Monday night my tailbone started itching which means it had been broken and is now healing. Stupid doctors.

I have no idea what kind of further damage I did last night. It hurts like there's a pole up my butt.

new death rates for bariatric surgery

On CNN yesterday. As usual, I post the whole thing because eventually the link will vanish. (Emphasis throughout article mine.)
Study: Obesity surgery riskier than expected
Tuesday, October 18, 2005; Posted: 7:19 p.m. EDT (23:19 GMT)
CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Obesity surgery, which is fast becoming a popular way to battle the nation's weight crisis, may be a lot riskier than most patients realize.
New research found a higher-than-expected risk of death in the year after surgery, even among young patients.
"It's a reality check for those patients who are considering these operations," said University of Washington surgeon Dr. David Flum, lead author of a Medicare study that analyzed the risks.
The findings appear in Wednesday's Journal of the American Medical Association.
Some previous studies of people in their 30s to their 50s -- the most common ages for obesity surgery -- found death rates well under 1 percent.
But in a study of 16,155 Medicare patients who underwent obesity surgery, more than 5 percent of men and nearly 3 percent of women aged 35 to 44 were dead within a year. And slightly higher rates were found in patients 45 to 54.
Among patients 65 to 74, nearly 13 percent of men and about 6 percent of women died. In patients 75 and older, half of the men and 40 percent of the women died.
There are several types of operations to lose weight, most generally involving surgically shrinking the stomach and usually restricted to "morbidly" obese people more than 100 pounds overweight.
Those patients often have medical problems brought on by their girth, including heart trouble, diabetes and breathing difficulties -- problems which obesity surgery can sometimes resolve but which can also contribute to making the surgery risky.
Patients studied underwent surgery between 1997 and 2002.
"This is a major operation in a high-risk population. "When you do a complicated operation in a complicated population, we should expect to see adverse outcomes" occasionally, Flume said.
Dr. Neil Hutcher, president of the American Society for Bariatric Surgery, said that Medicare patients are probably sicker than the general U.S. population and that complication rates have declined as surgeons' expertise has increased.
But Flum argued that some previous research showing lower risks came from "reports from the best surgeons reporting their best results," while the new study is more of a real-world look.
A JAMA editorial said even if Medicare patients do face higher risks, they should not be denied obesity surgery.
"These patients may also represent the potential greatest benefit associated with major lasting weight loss given their associated disease burden," the editorial said.
The surgery may be lifesaving when done on the right patients, by experienced surgeons, the editorial said.
The study offered no breakdown on causes of death, but obesity surgery's potentially deadly complications can include malnutrition, infection and bowel and gallbladder problems. Also, surgery in general can be a deadly shock to the system, especially in older patients.
The American Society for Bariatric Surgery predicts obesity surgery will be performed more than 150,000 times this year in the United States. That is more than 10 times the number in 1998, according to a second JAMA study. The increase parallels a surge in the portion of U.S. adults who are at least 100 pounds overweight, from about 1 in 200 in 1986 to 1 in 50 in 2000, that study said.
Flum said the new study suggests that in many cases, obesity surgery may not be right for an older person "who already has the burden of 60 years of obesity on their heart" and other organs.
Medicare covers obesity surgery if it is recommended to treat related conditions such as diabetes and heart problems. The government is considering whether to cover surgery to treat obesity alone.
Medicare is for younger Americans with disabilities and for patients 65 and older. Flum said most of the patients he studied were under 65 and probably qualified for Medicare because of obesity-related ills, including heart and joint problems.
Flum's study lumped together data on different operations, but the most common U.S. obesity surgery, gastric bypass, involves creating an egg-size pouch in the upper stomach and attaching it to a section of intestine.
Researchers said one reason men may have higher post-surgery death rates is that they tend to wait longer than women to seek medical help and may be sicker at surgery.
Hutcher said patients should seek experienced surgeons, should be thoroughly evaluated before and after surgery, and should receive long-term follow-up care.
Most patients "will receive a good outcome," Hutcher said. "A good outcome does not mean there's no risk for complications or mortality."
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

600 lb houseband man dies in fire

Original link

Obese Man Dies in Mobile Home Fire in Mo.
Oct 16, 4:10 PM (ET)

ST. JOSEPH, Mo. (AP) - A fire destroyed a mobile home, killing a 600-pound, homebound man who could not be moved out in time despite the efforts of neighbors and firefighters.

Timothy Lee Morris, 45, called 911 from his home when it caught fire Saturday afternoon but couldn't get out by himself, fire officials said. His daughters, ages 8 and 13, summoned neighbors, but they were unable to move him.

"He was in the front room. We tried and tried to yank him out," said neighbor Clinton Turner. "He kept saying, 'Help,' but we couldn't get him out."

Authorities said police and firefighters eventually were able to put Morris on a backboard and slide him out the front door. Morris had several health problems, including breathing complications.

"Timmy probably didn't get burned at all," Battalion Chief John Nelson said. "He probably died from smoke inhalation."

Two firefighters were treated at a hospital for heat exhaustion and smoke inhalation. They were "very emotionally distraught they couldn't get him out," Nelson said.

The fire was blamed on an electrical short. The girls' mother wasn't home at the time.

I found this story on and of course you can imagine the comments posted about it. Here's a lovely sample:
"Sounds like he was hungry and chewed on an extension cord while waiting for a dinner of Ho-Hos."
"The follow-up story indicates that he couldn't be moved from the house because he wouldn't let go of the fridge."
"if this guy was 600lbs and couldnt get up, who the hell was feeding him and why. i bet he claimed it was a glandular condition. yeah right, his mouth."
"Fatfuck deserved it. And don't give me that "he didn't choose to be that way" bullshit. You can always stop eating, especially when you're so fucking obese you can't stand your fatass up on your own two feet. Retards are born retarded. No one is born morbidly obese. Another story that could only happen in America."

Do I even have to go into how sad this all makes me feel?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

circus fat lady fat

A kind person posted inquiring if I am "really" circus lady fat. I weigh more than 3x what I should. I can use the royal "we" since there are 3 of us in here (and one of them is fat, besides!)
Here are some circus fat lady pictures. The dual picture is from an expired Ebay auction. I don't know where I found the other one (it was late, I was tired)
My point wasn't exactly that I could be a circus fat lady. It was that I have reached the pinnacle of fatness by being classified as super-super obese. There's not a higher category which lumps me in with all those who are too fat to get out of their beds/off their couches/need to be taken out with a forklift people.

This took me 3 days to post because I couldn't get the pictures to upload from Netscape. Had to resort to IE (yuck).

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

step one toward being a blob

The other day when my mom came over to drop off my (useless) painkiller presciption, I was upstairs in bed. Lying on my face is the only time I'm pain free. (Until the cat jumps on my butt--now the cat is banned from the bed until I get better.) She called up to see if I wanted her to bring me anything. I didn't.
But I could see it so clearly... "Yeah, mom, bring me something to drink, and some crackers." And then my husband comes home, and I have him bring me something too, because it hurts too much to get out of bed and climb down the stairs. There's no bathroom upstairs so soon I'd have a potty. And eventually I'd be too weak to get out of the bed once the pain was gone. And there I'd stay, ballooning bigger and bigger until they have to take me out with a crane and I'm on national TV and on a first name basis with Richard Simmons (he's an annoying little queer man but he does motivate people).
My husband says he'd let me starve if I wouldn't get out of the bed. But there's a phone, and I could call someone. My mom would feed me. My friends would feed me. I have enablers who would let me die there in that bed out of love and pity.

vicodin sucks

The doctor gave me Vicodin. It's useless. I took a pill yesterday at 7:00, figuring by the time I had to get into my car it would have kicked in. Well, by the time I went to LUNCH it still hadn't kicked in. I took a 2nd one at 1:30 and it never kicked in either. Today it's been 2 1/2 hours since I had a pill, and no reduction in pain.
I got a U-shaped pillow filled with styrofoam beads but it's a neck pillow, not for butts, and I keep sliding off it.
Can't win.
At least a snake won't eat me.

some days it's good to be fat

One thing I don't have to worry about: Being eaten by a giant snake.

Have you heard this story? A 13 foot python (loose in Florida) tried to eat a 6' alligator and the snake either burst or the alligator wasn't dead and clawed its way loose. Although I am not 6 feet tall, I am not worried about being eaten by a snake. Full story with undoctored picture.

Snakes are not my favorite creatures, but I don't hate and fear them as many women do (my mom, for instance) and I can only sympathize with BOTH animals, who had to be afraid and in pain during this horrendous struggle.

BUT...the real fault lies with the jerk who released that snake into the wild. Snakes grow..the older they are, the bigger they get, and zoos don't want them. Pet trade in large snakes is wrong. If you can't commit to someday housing & feeding an enormous reptile properly, you shouldn't have one. That applies to having an alligator/cayman/crocodile as a pet too, or an iguana. I love iguanas, but I don't want a giant one. So I will never buy a little one. I will enjoy them at zoos and on TV.

Monday, October 10, 2005

too fat to be x-rayed

Just when I think my life can't get any more humilating, I find out I am too fat to be x-rayed about my broken tailbone. They must have x-rayed me over a dozen times at all different settings. Meanwhile I am flat on my back on a metal table in agony. I was there over an hour (about a hour and fifteen minutes). Finally they thought some films would be okay to be read...and then I'm told 3-5 days before the results will be in! Meanwhile I am in terrible pain all the time, the type of pain that makes me sick to my stomach, I can barely drive the pain is so bad and my doctor won't prescribe a painkiller without seeing the x-rays. It takes so long for me to get into my car that the alarm goes off (there's a set time between unlocking the door & starting the car which I am exceeding with every entry).
It hurts so bad I just keep crying. There's nothing else I can do.

it's already started

"how could you have broken your tailbone when your ass is so well-padded?"

fuck you all--I'm in so much pain I can barely function.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

fell down went boom

Yesterday I managed to fall down the steps in the rain, and land on my back on the concrete sidewalk. I am fairly certain I broke my tailbone. The pain is excruiating. I can't sit unless I sit on a donut pillow. I can barely walk. Climbing or descending stairs is agony. Bending over is almost impossible. Picking something up off the floor is impossible. I just spent 15 minutes in the basement sobbing because I can't even bend over far enough to get the clean laundry out of the dryer. And then I hooked some, and dropped it on the floor, where it might as well be in Antarticia.
I have an inflatable travel pillow which is U-shaped (it's for wrapping around your neck on a long ride) and I've been using it to sit on. It actually helps quite a bit because my tailbone isn't be sat on, just my (bruised & purple) butt cheeks.
I am mostly angry with myself. I was doing so well with my workouts and this week was planning on adding a 4th day with another dual workout, which would have taken me from 4-5 hours a week to 6-7 hours a week. Now I can barely walk, much less work out in the water for over an hour.
3 years ago when I fell it was the same thing. I was doing chi-gung and doing great, and haven't been able to do any since because my leg is still fucked up. My ass better not be fucked up for 3 years.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I'm gonna die

I feel like I'm just going to die. I'm working out like a fiend, eating hardly anything, and only lost 5# in over a month.
As a super-super obese woman, I am equal to the 627# woman and the half ton man category-wise. I am circus fat-lady material. Medical literature says people in catgeories of morbid and above can only lose weight through liquid diets, jaw wiring, or stomach surgery. My weight has probably taken at least 7 years off my life-span and I am much more likely to get Alzheimers and cancer, not to mention things like high blood pressure & diabetes, both of which it's astonishing I haven't gotten yet. I live in a cloud of exhaustion & depression that a thin person could never understand.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Malignant Obesity: a new label

This is cheerful. From

Malignant Obesity


Extreme morbid obesity is sometimes called "malignant" or super-obesity. Patients who suffer from malignant obesity have a BMI of 50+ and are typically about 200 pounds or more over ideal body weight. Patients suffering from malignant obesity incur much greater health dangers, including an increased risk of dying estimated at 5-10 times greater than that of people of normal weight.

Health Risks

Malignant obesity is a very serious risk factor for hypertension, cardiovascular disease, some cancers, diabetes, respiratory problems and musculoskeletal disorders.

I have also seen it called "super super obese" at above 60 BMI.

if everyone is fat, why am I singled out?

I know I have all kinds of filters and stories about being fat. But I do feel singled out.

Last week after my 2 1/2 hour workout I went out and got a PERSONAL pizza. Now, to me, a PERSONAL pizza is designed for ONE PERSON. Or am I wrong? A man walked up to me and said "Are you going to eat that whole thing?" WHOLE THING? It's smaller than a plate! WTF?

Yesterday this story came out. (Condensed/edited)

TUESDAY, Oct. 4 (HealthDay News) -- Over the three decades between 1971 and 2001, nine out of 10 American men and seven out of 10 women were overweight or became overweight, and more than a third were obese or became obese, according to a new study.

90% of men and 70% of women. That averages out to 80%. Overweight. 30+ BMI, if you read my earlier posts on what obesity, morbid obesity and super obesity are. So while I am a rare person in the SUPER OBESE category, I am certainly not alone in not being THIN. So only 20% of the population is thin? Is this news? I guess so.

viagra for sex offenders at no charge, but no bariatric surgery for me

I think I've ranted on this topic before. But here's an article which came out on the 'net today.

California taxpayers will no longer help pay the cost of impotency drugs for registered sex offenders under legislation signed Tuesday by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The bill amends current law that requires the state's health insurance program for the poor to help cover the cost of drugs used for treating erectile dysfunction.

Federal support for subsidized Viagra was curtailed earlier this year when a New York state audit found nearly 200 sex offenders benefiting from the program.

Is that bullshit, or is that bullshit? Some RAPIST or CHILD MOLESTER is getting Viagra and I can't get my surgery? What the fuck?

one last thing

I don't want my pants to wear out at the inner thigh anymore from the pressure of my thighs rubbing together when I walk.
Is that so much to ask? Really?

sick of being sick

I need a colonic but my money situtation is so terrible right now I can't afford one. I haven't had one since my unsuccessful liver flush back in July.

Everything I eat makes me sick, except plain water. Within an hour, my stomach is cramping to expel its contents. It's to the point where my butt actually hurts a little, I'm going so often. It's not 11 a.m. yet and I've gone twice. I can tell you that before I leave work at 5 p.m. today I will go twice more, and probably again at the gym, and again before I go to bed tonight. That's six times in a day, and I'm only going to have 3 meals.

Yesterday I had four meals--breakfast, lunch, popcorn snack, and dinner. The popcorn snack didn't set me off that bad--I held it until after dinner (I was at a party). So it can't be fat/oil/grease setting me off because the popcorn had butter on it. But my cup of tea and a few tiny fresh-baked cookies at breakfast set me off yesterday, and again today. The tea has organic milk in it (I can drink a whole glass without getting sick so it's not that). The cookies have butter, but it's the same butter that's on the popcorn. I don't know what the hell it is. I am trying to remember how many times I went yesterday. I think around 5 or 6.

I thought maybe it was a gallbladder thing. Not every one, but some of them, are all bile when they come out. Nasty pure yellow bile, like last year when I couldn't stop throwing up and bile was coming out my nose. But then sometime's there's no bile. I am so frustrated.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

more things I want

I want to

  • fit in a airplane seat.
  • fit in a booth at a restaurant.
  • be able to wear a seatbelt in ANY car.
  • sit on folding chairs without fear.
  • sit on those silly canvas camp chairs.
  • sit on the ground or floor with ease & get back up with ease.
  • not be afraid of falling

I am too @#&^$^ healthy

We already had the discussion about me being SUPER obese, as opposed to merely "morbidly" obese.
I see people on TV and online who weigh LESS than me who have diabetes, who are in wheelchairs (or those hideous little electric carts), who can't walk without a cane, who have high blood pressure and high cholesterol and are literally on the verge of death.
People who see me but don't know me assume #1 that I eat like a pig #2 that I am immobile #3 that I am sick.
All of those things are wrong.
My cholesterol is 170. My BP is fine. My blood sugar is fine. I can climb stairs. I can walk (short distances). I can hop in a pool for 2 hours straight.
Basically, I'm not sick enough to have the surgery.

clean closet, & what I want to look like

This weekend I cleaned out my closest. I only kept a few pairs of Levi's (cuz they're classic, and I have them in sizes from 4-12), the shorts I was wearing when my (now) husband decided he had to have a piece of me, and the mini-skirt I wore to Lollapolloza '91 (~185 lbs). And all my old AC/DC & Nine Inch Nails shirts, and my two signed shirts from Jim Rose's Side Show. Everything else that doesn't fit went bye-bye.

I had a moment of regret as I looked at these tiny clothes. Was I really that thin? Will I ever be that thin again? I had size 5/6 denium skirts whose waists wouldn't fit around my thigh now.

I now have two garbage bags of clothes in my trunk now for goodwill or the salvation army (whichever one I see first). My closet is empty and clean and I found some sweaters I was missing (which still fit).

Is my goal to fit again into those tiny levis 501 button fly jeans? Well, it would be nice. And I wouldn't complain a bit if that happened.

But this is what I really want.

  • I want my legs' profile to be a smooth line from ankle to waist-not a big bulge forward at the top of the knee where my thighs begin. It's like a reverse step.
  • I want my lower belly to not sag over my pubes.
  • I would like my upper belly to have no "tire" effect.
  • I want my upper arms not to be the size of my head, and not to flap when I raise my hands.
  • I want my back to turn into my butt without a bulge before my butt crack starts.
Notice I did not say "I want to weight (xx ) lbs". I have no idea what I would have to weigh for those things to happen. Would it happen at 250? 150? 200? Who knows?

I understand that I have a lot more skin now then I did when I was 114 lbs (and 20 years old) in 1988. The only way I could be 114 lbs with a 24" waist again would be plastic surgery.

I also think that with exercise, skin doesn't have to sag and be ugly. I see overweight people at the gym with nasty sagging skin. I don't know if they've had bariatric surgery or been ill or what. But in some ways, having loose skin hanging over your knees and down your thighs is even uglier than being fat. And all that loose skin just begs to be filled back up.

Makes me think of Jackie the 627lb woman. After her surgery when her enormous panniculus started to deflate, they tucked it into one pants leg. She looked like, well, a freak. I've seen photos of people with their deflated bellies shoved into their pants on either side. Looks very strange. (I'd wear a skirt.)

vagina legs

The other day I was at the pool, as I am 3x a week. As I was walking up the ramp to exit the pool, another overweight woman was walking down the ramp. She was wearing one of those stupid bathing suits with a skirt, like a yard of ruffles can disguise the couple of hundred extra pounds the wearer is lugging around. For a moment I was at eye level with her crotch--or so I thought.
My first thought was that she had no bottom on her suit. Because there, square in my line of sight, was a triangle of puffy flesh between her legs. It had no hair, but a lot of people shave, or her pubic hair could have been sparse/hidden by her fat. As she took another step, I saw that what I thought were her, um, female parts, I realized that they were very low on her body. At mid-thigh, in fact.
It was the fat on her thighs. The way it draped mimicked exactly an overweight woman's crotch.
Now I have seen really fat people who have a "butt" in the front (there's a crease, like a butt crack) but never have I see a vagina at mid-thigh.
I went into the locker room and immediately looked at my own thighs. No vagina in sight, thank god.
I am not trying to be mean, although it was kind of gross. I just worry constantly. What do people see when they look at ME?