Monday, July 25, 2005

I want to give up

I gained more weight. I am back to my maximum. So I have to re-lose the weight I lost back in November to even be considered for the surgery, but since the shrink hates me and won't approve me, and I am not complying with the CPAP thing, I feel like I should just give up and die. Someone can stick a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker on my double-wide grave.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

right now everything sucks

yesterday my mom lost her job. As I've mentioned before, my dad is very sick. his medicine is over $300 per month, and now they have no insurance. he is enrolled in a study to try some new medicine, and that medicine is free, but part of the study compliance is that he continue to take his exisiting medication. I should be in a position, at my age and education level, to be able to help them out financially and I can't. In fact they have been helping ME out, and now I've lost even that support. One of my friends yelled at me saying how selfish I was to worry about myself. But if I don't worry about myself, who will?
I am going to write to my bariatric surgeon and ask for help with the insurance for the sleep apnea machine, or for a waiver on their damn psychiatrist who hates me. I haven't called her back yet for her "approval" because she didn't tell me anything that I needed to do to get her approval.
I feel so awful. I saw a picture today online of a starving little child. If I could donate my body fat to his village I could save their lives.

This world is fucked up and not fair.

I have to keep coming back to medicare paying for viagra for convicted sex offenders, and my dad now can't afford his life-prolonging medication. And I can't donate my 200+ pounds of extra fat to be transplated into these starving Africans.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

bronchitis & exercise

So I have bronchitis now, my voice is shot, I hear everything twice through my left ear, I am sneezing (I am NOT a sneezer) and coughing up gunk, and now my car is sick with the check engine light on and it's not going (no va--that's why Chevy Novas didn't go over well in Mexico-in Spanish, no va means "it doesn't go").
I haven't heard back from the doctor I sent the letter to so I going to assume she doesn't care whether I get treatment for my sleep apnea or not. When I get home I will email the place I got the machine from and tell them to take it back. I haven't been using it anyway since I can't breathe through my nose with this bronchitis.
I am just in a state of not liking myself very much.
I had to cancel my exercise session today cuz of my car. I can feel the summer slipping away, it's halfway through July already, and we've only had 4 sessions. The pool we thought we could use has too many strings. We're going to have to find a pool that we pay for which SUCKS.
My job interview got cancelled yesterday because the company owner is out of the country. Didn't they know that when they set up the interview with me? I have to wonder if it's something else. It's my no-good-enough filter.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Sleep Apnea Machine

I'm going to have to send my CPAP machine back. The insurance company isn't paying for it. They back-charged me $600 and they are also back-charging me for all the visits to the doctor who prescribed it. I am so fucking angry. I sent the doctor a nice letter cancelling my next appointment and explaining why. Maybe she can do something. I don't know what to do. I don't have $600 to spend on the machine plus pay her bills. They have also backcharged me $842 for the stupid shrink who is denying me the surgery. She is a total bitch and not worth $84 much less 10x that.
I hope I get this job. Maybe it has a different insurance company.

"you try to do these things, Nemo, but you can't"

or, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

I keep trying to do physical things that I can't do. A restaurant I like to eat at is across a large parking lot from the grocery store where I shop. Sometimes I combine the two trips. If my husband is with me, I say "I'll walk to the store and start shopping while you pay the bill." I have not even made it out of the restaurant lot before I am out of breath, and the huge parking lot of the grocery store looms before me, and then I realize that I still have to shop, to walk around that giant super store, and I don't know if I can do it, and I feel so fucking stupid and angry.

Yesterday I went to get two pick-up truck loads of gravel for the new garden we're building. I started in with great gusto, shoveling gravel from the back of the truck, ignoring my immense size & the fact that it was 91 degrees out and I was in full sunlight. I had 2 people help me unload the first truckload so I was okay. But when I got home with the 2nd truckload there was only 1 helper left, and he's an old man, and slow, and sick, and my neck started to pulse and I started to overheat and the truck was still more than 1/2 full. I went inside to have some water and my face was totally bright red, way past my danger point. I was on the verge of a heat stroke. But still I had to unload the truck, because I said I could. Because I thought I could. And when that happens, I hear the voice of Nemo's father in my head, saying to Dory inside the whale, "you try to do these things, Nemo, but you can't!" and I know exactly what he's talking about. (That's a reference to Finding Nemo, for those of you who might live in a cave.)

On top of all that, I now have bronchitis. I woke up at around 4:15 this morning, thought about some things that I've been working on, made some notes, took off my nail polish, went to the bathroom, had some juice, and came upstairs at 4:45 to lay quietly without waking up my husband. I started to cough yesterday so I also took some cough medicine. As I was looking out the window, I heard it: my right lung was just starting to gurgle and my throat to rasp. I've been without a voice since Friday, I've still got an ear infection, and I've annoyed. I'm sneezing, coughing, my ear hurts, I can't talk...and I have a job interview tomorrow. Great. Just fucking great.

Monday, July 11, 2005

fatter than a bear

There's a new baby panda bear in Washington DC. I was just reading the article and it mentioned in passing the baby's "lumbering 250 pound mother" oops. So what am I? I outweigh a BEAR by many, many pounds.
I've been sick all weekend. What a great way to start my new year off (it was just my birthday). First I had the eye thing. Then the medicine made me feel strange, dizzy and heavy. Then my left ear got incredibly painful, this piercing pain, on Thursday night. It then went all sloshy inside. Then on Friday morning the sloshy-ness (but not the pain) moved to my right ear. Then both started draining into my throat and I lost my voice. (It's still not returned.) My throat is sore. My nose is running. I'm sneezing, and now I'm coughing too. Great.
My cat hurt his paw and I've got to take him to the vet today so I won't be able to go to the doctor until Wednesday myself, and I think he's closed on Wednesdays.
I don't want to go to work. But I need the money. I don't get sick time.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Liver Flush #2 for real, for real

I really had a liver flush, the full thing, two colonics, enema, fasting. It was my birthday present to myself. WOW. He positioned me a little differentthis morning so I could see all the stuff coming out. Mucho yellow bile, of course, but not the horrible orange stuff from the first one in May. Green, white and red stones, both floaters and sinkers. And more bile. Not too much poop since I fasted yesterday and had a colonic yesterday too.
And once again, my throat and upper chest feel different. Why is that? And my stomach and lower back feel lighter too. Such a great feeling. It's NOT a sex thing or a butt sex thing--it's a "I'm not full of shit anymore" thing.
I got a bill from the insurance company today, they are not paying ANYTHING toward my CPAP machine (for the sleep apnea). I have to call the company I got it from, because I also have to pay $35 to RENT it. If I pay for it, will I still have to rent it? (Huh? That's what I said too. Either I own it, or I rent it.)
On Tuesday I got some kind of infection in my right eye. It looks almost like awhitehead zit, but instead it's very tall (?)--very pointy. It's just inside my lower eyelid, pressing onto my cornea. The edge of my eyelid is all red and unhappy looking. The doctor gave me medicine-steriods and antibiotics YUCK (more fuck-ups to my system, more yeast). I started feeling sick right away from the medicine, I thought, but last night my left ear started to hurt ferociously. I have never had an earache before (except the time when I accidently poured hair dye in my ear a long time ago). It feels all sloshy and icky inside. Then when I was driving for my 2nd colonic this morning, the right ear got plugged up and sloshy but it doesn't hurt. ARGH. I have a wedding to go to this weekend and it's my birthday and I DON'T WANNA BE SICK.