Tuesday, May 31, 2005

powwow weekend

It didn't suck, but it could have been better. I spent a lot of time crying, and not because the information I was getting was profound and earth-shattering.
I expected something other than what it was. I guess that was part of the problem. There was a lot of physical labor. I was sweeping, vacuuming, tramping through woods, getting blisters, washing dishes, crawling over rocks and destroying my knees and all that was a lot more time than I spent learning indigenous wisdom, which is what I THOUGHT I paid for. What a concept-to have people PAY to come to your place and do your chores!
The indigenous elders have their own agenda. They talk a lot about how those who are ministers of their native faith shouldn't do it for money or fame but in the next breath they are asking for money so their ministers don't have to work! Just about every topic addressed managed to come back around to asking for money. Not that I don't think their work is important--after all, I was there supporting it!--but I hate being pushed. I probably would have given more money, and given it spontaneously, if I wasn't barraged with requests for moolah in answer to every question I asked.
I was upset because my goddess-shaped body made it difficult for me to do some of the activities. I could not go through the woods and talk to the trees because I couldn't climb over the many stone walls. Plus I didn't have sneakers and jeans (which no one told me to bring--I brought capris and t-shirts, suitable for sitting outside or in a lecture hall learning Native wisdom).
The whole weekend seemed designed to play into my "wrong" story--that I am always wrong. I had the wrong clothes. I had the wrong expectations. I had the wrong body. I have the wrong skin color (not red, but white).
They wanted to forbid me from entering the sweat lodge because I didn't have a skirt on. I ended up with my bathing suit on (I wasn't going to sweat through the only bra I brought with me!), with capris and a t-shirt, and wrapped in towels so evidently I wouldn't offend the traditionalists in the group. The men, meanwhile, were in shorts. That's it. Just shorts. Totally fucking unfair.
I would have brought a skirt if I'd known, just like I would have brought sneakers and jeans for the woods. IF I HAD KNOWN. IF SOMEONE HAD FUCKING TOLD ME.
Everyone there pretty much knew each other--I was the big outsider (literally and figuratively). I guess they figured somehow I'd just "know" their crazy rules? Totally stupid to have a zero tolerance dress-code policy and not tell newcomers about it.
To get into the sweat lodge, we had to crawl, over dirt and rocks, down a path and around the whole perimeter of the lodge (maybe 20-25 feet). If you chose to leave between rounds, you had to crawl back out and then back in. My knees are bruised hamburger. I was at my mom's for a picnic yesterday and her best friend wanted to know why I was limping so badly.
The heat in the lodge was not unbearable. It was sitting on the ground that caused me damage. I could not stretch my leg out and due to the size of my stomach and thighs, my legs would go to sleep. If I tried to stretch them out, they would be almost in the pile of glowing hot lava-like rocks in the center of the lodge. We were packed in too tightly to shift position so the only recourse I had to stretch my legs was to leave between rounds.
After the first round, I crawled out, laid flat on my face on the ground, and just sobbed in pain.
Why does everything that's supposed to heal me hurt me instead?
That's what I was asking mother earth. And she answered me with the same thing I learned in my reading at the beginning of April:
You don't belong here. You will never belong here. You keep trying to fit in and you never will.

After every round, when I was outside sobbing (and did anyone come to comfort me, or even lay a hand on my shoulder and sit beside me in silence? No.), I got this same message.
Why beat your head against a door that will never open to you?
My heart was broken. My heart is broken.
We are not supposed to talk about what happened inside the lodge. But I did say, when I was given a turn to address the gods, "Why have you led me to another place where I am wrong?"
It's not that I didn't make some new friends. I think I might have, although time will tell.
It's not that I didn't learn valuable information, because I did.
It's that, as usual, I bumbled into it, doing everything wrong, supporting my story of being a stupid fucking idiot, a dumb fattie who doesn't deserve to live.
Of course I was the fattest person there. I was an object of pity. Not when I was sobbing my heart out to the Mother, no, no one did anything for me. When I was sitting in the sun, seconds from a heatstroke after dragging 25' trees from the edge of the forest to the cutting pile, that's when someone would pat me and ask me if I was okay.
I paid outrageous money for a private healing session with an elder. I cried to him and asked for help with my weight, with the downward spiral of my life. His suggestion: take out a loan to pay for the surgery, and eat more fruit and less grease and salt. Thanks. Thousands of years of indigenous wisdom, boiled down to something I could have figured out without help.
So I am home now, several hundred dollars poorer, and not as enriched mentally as I had hoped. The physical activity made my leg swell to enormous porportions. There was no shower so I was filthy and I stank by the end of the weekend. Probably the Elder who did my session the last day right before I left just couldn't wait to get away from me.

(picture) Venus of Willendor, a very famous fat woman

Venus of Willindor Posted by Hello

Friday, May 27, 2005

new photo

I have decided to change my photo from a fake one that is not me, to a real one that is still not me, but represents me and my greatness: the Venus of Willendorf, an absolutely classic earth-goddess image that also happens to be an obese woman. 12,000 years ago, I would have been worshipped as a goddess, not reviled as a fat lazy slob.
Great means big. I am a great woman. I have great boobs. I have a great ass. I have great thighs. I am great.
I am great.
I am great.
(Until I can get to my own computer and use Hello to upload images, I have linked to another site. The image I upload will be slightly different.)

Thursday, May 26, 2005


I went for accupuncture yesterday. I told her how my left ankle (kidney 3) kept bleeding last time, and I woke up with my ankle and foot soaked in dried blood the next morning. So she opted to use kidney 1, which is on the sole of the foot. She made me nervous about how much it would hurt, but it actually hurt LESS than the ankle, and unlike the ankle the pain didn't last the whole treatment, just during the initial poking phase. She also did some new points along the top of my feet, at the place where the big toe and second toe meet (not in between those toes, those needles were still there).
I had a lot of sensations on the top of my left foot (that being my "special needs" leg). Heaviness, throbbing. I also had the vibrating feeling I get when I'm falling asleep sometimes, when new information is being downloaded into me and/or my frequency is being altered. It was VERY STRANGE to have that feeling while awake, in daylight, in an office.
She did the triple burner (triple warmer) point in my left ear again. My ear felt so heavy, and hot. Like it was made of hematite or ...damn, what's that stuff that looks like pyrite and is really heavy? Galena, that's it. Vibrating/throbbing there too.
I always do some kind of breathing meditation. 40 breaths (I can send to you on request but I will not post) or a merkaba activation, or some holographic sound healing on myself during the treatment. I try not to let my mind think about things. It's not exactly true mediation, but it's better than thinking about my grocery shopping.
I am going to a pow-wow this weekend and doing a sweat and getting a treatment from a Native Healer.
I got some new herbs yesterday in the shipment with the malic acid. Acidopolus pearls and psyllium husks to further aid my digestion, and another bottle each of yeast-kill and digestive enzymes. The Naturopathic Doctor who does my accupuncture says that the yeast-kill will also help my eyesight. She also said it takes a LONG time to kill yeast overgrowth.
I haven't had a period in 2 months (this happened last year too, and I'm not pregnant) and next time she is going to try to fix that too. I know women who are really skinny stop having it. I guess I'm too fat. My bug doctor could find nothing wrong with me last year dispite lots of blood tests so they just gave me hormones until it came back. Hormones cause a lot of problems and I don't want to go that route this year. One of the things that made me gain massive weight was the Depo-Provera shots I got about 11 years ago for birth control, and before that I was on the Pill and went from 114 to 180. The Depo packed on another 1oo or so lbs and it's a downward spiral from there. DON'T DO IT. There are other ways to prevent pregnancy without hormones.

liver flush #2: not quite

I bailed out of my 2nd liver flush for 2 reasons.

Reason #1: where am I supposed to get $140? Pull it out of my ass? (haha)

Reason #2: I wanted to try something different which I read online, taking malic acid (from apples) before the flush to increase the efficiency, and my malic acid didn't come until yesterday afternoon, and my liver flush was supposed to start yesterday morning. The malic acid gets taken during the day of fasting, which would have been yesterday.

I could have just converted it to a regular colonic last night, but then I'd need to find $210--$70 for the colonic and $140 for the flush.

I wish he had a program like "buy ten get one free" or some discount for referrals. (I got him one referral so far, and I was a referral myself from another satified and poop-free client.) Or even if you buy the colonics in bulk they are cheaper. $500 for ten instead of $700, for instance.

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Bless me father, for I have made bile. It has been 23 days since my last liver flush, and 2 days since my last colonic.
Piss me off. Just when I thought I was getting better, here comes my old friend bile, making me sick. I just ordered more digestive enzymes because I honestly thought they were helping. grr. But the bile's back, and more yellow than ever.
One problem was that I waited 3 weeks to get another colonic after my liver flush. Can't do that next time. I might as well come up with the money for a liver flush now, because getting a colonic next week isn't going to flush out all that goddamn bile. That's why my leg is swelling up again. I'm poisoned with toxins. I can't even think of a good enough swear. Shit and fuck don't do it. Monkey dick fucker, that's not bad.
I have thought of a way to get the epsom salt into me without retching. I had to order something; it's coming priority mail so should be here tomorrow or Saturday.
I have to get a liver flush before I go away next weekend (Memorial day) I can't be sick and bile-y all over the place.
Now I have to figure out how to get the 1/2 cup of oil into me without puking.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

smoking vs eating, part 2

Smokers STINK.

If eating made me stink to the point of being offensive, I wouldn't eat.

extension to rant

Testimonials also piss me off.
#1 They almost always have Southern accents. That doesn't sell up here in Yankee-land.
#2 Testimonials are bullshit. Just cuz some redneck hick thinks a product is great (told you this was Yankee-land) doesn't impress me. In fact, just the opposite.
#3 They are probably/most like faked. I can record myself saying anything about any product. That doesn't make it true. I could say, "Since I've been using this red pen at work, I've gained ten pounds. If you need to gain weight, you should buy this brand of red pen & use it every day at work." It might be true that I've gained weight since getting this pen, but cause & effect isn't always so clear cut, is it?
#4 Infomercials are also big fat testimonials. And they piss me off too.
#5 They are always recorded as sounding all grainy like they were recording from a phone call. But honestly, you have an answering machine, don't you? My messages are usually just as clear as my calls. That's another clue that they are bullshit.
#6 They use the testimonials to make false claims. There's one on the radio for some skin product, in which a man calls it "a medical miracle" and also confides, "I don't know why doctors don't have this product, but I'm telling you, they don't." (Can you tell how often that ad gets played if I know it by heart?). And who exactly are you, to tell me what doctors can and don't prescribe? (Not that doctors know much, see my other rant, below.)

colonic #4

I had another good colonic. Everyone says I've lost weight & look great. So I weighed myself.
I gained 10 lbs.
What the fuck.
I'm not beneath the 14# threshold for my surgery anymore. Not that I feel it's going to happen anymore, but I hate to gain weight.

anti-advertising rant

What's this new trend of female voices on radio ads of having really wet-sounding mouths? I don't know how else to describe it. It's not quite a lip-smack. If you open your mouth really slow, and your lips kind of stick together for a moment, then it makes that soft, wet noise? (kind of like when people are making out, but not that loud) . Is it supposed to be a sex thing? I hate it. I used to work in radio, and if someone made mouth noises during a commercial it would be re-recorded. Is it just sloppy recording? And all the female voices sound almost the same. I don't think there's just one woman in the world recording commercials, but some days it sounds like it. Besides the lip-smack wet mouth thing, there's some quality they all share.
Either that, or they have slight speech impediments. Almost a lisp, right on the edge of being a lisp. Are lisps sexy? I guess they must be. The lisp is a wet noise too.

When I minored in Communications, I learned a lot about the advertising industry. It's all about making people feel bad about themselves. If a company makes a person feel inadequate, and then in the next breath promises its product will overcome that deficiency, people will buy. We are creatures who live in fear, always knowing we're only a few steps away from living in a cave. Take away our electricity and our oil, and we've got nothing. So we are afraid we smell bad, we're too hairy, our hair isn't soft enough while our bodies are too soft, our diet is bad, we don't have the best tv or computer possible, or the newest version of Microsoft's crap, our lawns have weeds, our children have bad teeth, our teeth aren't white enough. (Where the fuck did that come from in the last few years, that everyone has to having blinding white teeth? Teeth aren't white. Bones aren't white. They are slightly yellow. Give me a fucking break. And yes, I bought the stupid whitening strips too. So shoot me.) Our kids want sugary cereal and expensive toys which don't do what the commercials show them doing (this was true even when I was a child--I would beg and beg for a cool toy I saw on TV only to find it wasn't at all like it was on the screen).
It's all fucking bullshit.
Did you know that you can wash everything with one soap? Yeah. ONE SOAP. your clothes, your dishes, your hair, your body, your carpet. (but not your teeth.) Plain old glycerine soap, you can buy it by the gallon. You don't need anti-bacterial shit, that is the WORSE thing for this planet. Where do you think drug-resistant bacteria comes from? From coating EVERY FUCKING THING with anti-bacterial gunk. Our bodies never learn to fight off bacteria if we aren't exposed to any, and then we get totally sick when some bacteria does manage to make it into our bodies, past our anti-bacterial dish soap and hand soap and body wash and whatever other thing they'll make anti-bacterial next. DON'T DO IT to yourself. PLUS, we have GOOD bacteria in us that gets killed. People run to their doctor and get pills for every sniffle, even if it's a virus that can't be touched by antibiotics. And when's the last time your doctor cultured you to see what the proper antibiotic is for what you have? No, they just throw a broad-spectrum antibiotic on you, kill all your healthy intestinal flora, and then you end up with digestive problems and/or massive yeast overgrowth.
Don't get me started on doctor's education in what drugs to prescribe. Do you think they learn it in medical school? no. Drug company sales reps, SALES MEN, no different from a guy in a bad suit trying to sell you rust-proofing for your car, teach the doctors what to prescribe for what. They stay in the doctor's faces and push their products so the doctors think of them first.
whew. I feel better now.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

pseudo country music

If it's not men without testicles on the radio offending my ears and my spirit and my being, it's men with cowboy hats. Laaaaawd, I wuuuuuuuz bo-orn-n a ra-a-a-a-am-baa-lin' maaaaaaan.

This shit fills me with unreasonable hatred. I want to bite off noses and tear off skin with my fingernails.

and these fucking guitar solos, do they NEVER end? Is the CD skipping?


form vs function (my leg)

Okay, it LOOKS like crap, but it doesn't hurt, and it's working quite well.

What's more important, looking good or feeling good?

the ever changing leg

My leg had been doing really good. Then yesterday (Monday) when I woke up it was swollen, and it was swollen again this morning. Did the colonics not fix it after all? Or did I fill back up with toxins? I am going today for another colonic. I should have gone last week but he was on vacation. I am going to need a liver flush again but I can't afford it right now.

I sat out in the sun too long on Saturday without my sunglasses on. I was waiting for somone to come outside; thought it would be a few minutes and it was nearly an hour. I was nearly blinded by the time she came out; my eyes were watering and my head hurt. By Sunday afternoon I was dizzy and feeling very ill. It's continued. Last night I was so exhausted I could barely read, but I couldn't sleep. Today I feel nauseous and tired. Every time I blink, I think I am going to pass out. Nice, huh?

Next week I go back to the doctor. I guess I am going to get the breathing machine for my sleep apnea. I think I'll put it on and sleep all day, even though my face will be bruised and squished.

new fish

Yesterday I thought my remaining catfish had died too. I couldn't find him anywhere. I was ready to tear the tank apart again....on Sunday I had to drain most of the water out because the tube had come loose from the undergravel filter and he was trapped down there under the plate & the rocks and he would have died. He had somehow burrowed under the plastic rock that came with the tank (it's ugly and so fake looking-I have a stone animal in there, and a real amethyst-I should just take it out, but it's made with hidey-holes for the fish to swim into). The rock was pretty well buried so the holes weren't exposed but he got in there anyway. He's pretty small.
So I made my way to the petstore and bought a couple more catfish. The lonely one perked right up. I think he was lonely. The last few weeks, while the other one was sick, he was moping too with no one to zoom around the tank with.

Monday, May 16, 2005

my fish died

He died yesterday. We gave him a Flushing funeral. Tomorrow I will buy a new one.

auricle rape, 70's style

Someone needs to build a time machine, go back to the 1970's and kill the fucking Bee-Gees and any other band where the men sing with high voices. It's like fingernails on glass. This shit was POPULAR? ! Then again, in the 70's, people had no taste in clothing and believed in swinging. I'm lucky I'm not more fucked up, having been a child during those horrible years. Most of the 70's should be erased from memory and popular culture--especially that stupid show with Aston Kutcher. And disco. I shudder at the memory of disco.
I hate network TV.
I hate commerical radio.
I hate it when my boss is here and makes me listen to 70's oldies music until my nose bleeds. Why my nose bleeds and not my ears, couldn't say.

Friday, May 13, 2005

sick foot, sick fish

Wednesday night I was doing the "love yourself" thing and putting cream on my feet when I noticed that one of my toenails was sticking out. Before I cut the sticking-out part off, I poked at it and to my surprise the nail came right off, painlessly. Too strange. And it's the same leg that swells. Hmm.
I also noticed that the reason why my fish is swimming funny is that another fish bit off his tail. I feel really bad about it. He's not eating and he's going to die. I have to wonder about the connection between my tail-less fish and my toe-less foot.
Psychic fair coming up this weekend. Maybe I'll get a reading or two.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

smoking vs eating

I live in New England. We get blizzards and cold and generally bad weather for half the year.
We also have strict no-smoking laws--can't even smoke in a bar anymore.
I see smokers, huddled outside pathetically, sucking in their poison, in the rain, in the snow, in the cold, in the heat, cut off from the companionship of others except addicts like themselves....
I sweep by them into the comfortable air of the restaurant and think:
if I had to eat outside, alone, standing up...I'd be thin...

is my food healthy?

I have to laugh whenever I hear about "healthy food."

According to Merriam Webster's dictionary, healthy means: enjoying health and vigor of body, mind, or spirit, while heathful means beneficial to health of body or mind

So, is my food healthy? Or is it HEALTHFUL? think about it. Whatever you're eating is either dead or dying. Not too healthy, is it? Not too appetizing either.

Monday, May 09, 2005

my leg!

I'm pretty excited. When I woke up this morning, my legs were the same size. Absolutely equal. The left one was slightly darker in color, but that could be anything--even a tan, I've been wearing capris all weekend.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

05/05/05 gate today

New energies coming in today, from the 05/05/05 gate. Hopefully my life will improve.

I can't find any websites on the gate, but last year and the year before all the talk was on the 04/04/04 & the 03/03/03 gates. Not even Solara's 11:11 site has anything. hmm. Well, I know it's happening today.

Also, Cinco De Mayo is today. I like Mexican food, but I hate beer. I also hate it when people say "when is Cinco de Mayo?" Morons. It's like asking "when's the 4th of July?"

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

more special luck

My father got in a car accident yesterday. He's not well, and his thoughts are often confused. Evidentially he didn't realize he'd had a collusion and continued to drive. The person chased him, the cops chased him, and the end result was that they wanted to take his license away on the spot. My mom somehow got called into this mess, having to leave work and go there. They did not take his license, but he's very depressed and sad. So am I. How much can one person take?

body sculpting machine 2

It took several tries, but my mom managed to solder a new plug onto the charger for the microcurrent body shaping machine. (She used to solder things together and build things like that for a living.) Apparently the wires are the wrong size for that connector, which is why the join is weak.

I plugged it in last night around 6:00. When I got up this morning at 7:00 I tried it, but it's still got no juice. I hope it's charging, and that it didn't de-calibrate. My leg looks incredible. I want to work on it more.

I hate spiders.

I have a spider bite on my thumb.

That means a spider was CRAWLING ON ME and nibbling to see if I'd make a nice snack.

NO, I DON'T. I taste awful. Stay far, far away from me if you have more than six legs.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

if it wasn't for shitty luck, I'd have none at all....

Last night after I dropped my friend at the train station, I had dinner and went to a Beltane ritual. At the end of it I got a phone call from my husband, asking "What did you guys do to the window?"
Well, "we guys" (my friend and I) hadn't done ANYTHING to ANY window. Someone had broken into our house while my husband was at school and I was at the ritual.
Luckily they had closed the screen so the cats didn't get out. Our pets are all okay. That's the most important thing. Take my shit, don't hurt my animals.
They took some jewelry and cash. Smashed in the window on the porch.
Ransacked the drawers and cabinents but only broke one thing, a statue which was just inside the window.
The thieves (if it was thieves) did not take my digital camera, which was on the couch, or my husband's PDA which was on his desk. Not the $6,000 body sculpting machine, nor any of our DVD or VCRs or TVs or the laptop next to the bed (right under my nightstand, which the went though), nor my other friend's computer which was on the floor in the kitchen. They emptied the change jar. Took a necklace I bought for less than $20 at Lane Bryant. My opal ring and earrings are missing, along with a sapphire ring and a garnet ring--all were in my bureau drawers.
They touched my altar, touched my bed, touched my STUFF. I am violated.
One of my cats is traumatized
(he's painfully shy)--hiding behind the couch. Police tramping all over taking pictures, dusting for fingerprints. Glass-repair guys coming in, more police. Phones ringing. Poor little guy is overloaded.
So am I.

the amazing body sculpting machine

My friend was ready to work extensively on my back/torso and maybe legs again yesterday.
I came home from work and draped myself over the massage table. She unplugged the machine (it had been charging) and said "ow" because the plug had burned her. Turns out a wire broke in the charger. Not only did the unit not charge, it completely discharged, which is bad. It can lose its calibration. That was extremely disapointing to both of us.
I looked at the plug and I think it can be soldered, so we went to Radio Shack and bought a couple of connectors. Today my mom (who used to make connectors and harnesses and stuff) is going to see if she can fix the charger.
My friend's train left at 5:56 yesterday from New Haven. She left the body sculpting machine behind--why bother lugging it around NYC for five more days when it doesn't work? So if I can get it charged up and it still works, I get to keep it for a week or so and work on myself.

Monday, May 02, 2005

detox treatments

My left leg took FOUR HOURS of treatment-1 hour each front of calf, back of calf, front of thigh, back of thigh. My right leg only took 2 hours and 15 minutes. Today she's doing my back and re-doing my left leg, and then is off to NYC. She said my right leg (my "good" leg) actually had a lot more congestion/stuck energy/stuck fascia tissue than my left leg--from compensating for so long for the other leg's weakness. Apparently the first treatment is always the most difficult; once the energy starts to move, even other parts of the body respond better.
The treatments are sometimes painful. The machine is electric (batteries) and sometimes the buzzing can be painful, feeling like the small hairs are being pulled, or like I'm being burnt. But I'm not burnt, that's just the fleeting feeling. One of the cycles feels much like getting a tattoo --the same kind of vibration. She is also doing massage on me, and manually to manually pull the tissues back into alignment. That feels like getting an Indian Rope Burn. (That's when someone takes your forearm in their hands, and wrings their hands in two different directions quickly and tightly--a hot pulling pain.) That is not pleasant, but so far it's been the only thing that helps--for a few days, then the swelling comes back. I am hoping the combination of her machine, the massage and the colonics/detox will be a permanent solution.
When I got up this morning there was NO SWELLING in my leg at all. None. It was amazing. But it's been 3 hours and it's back up. Sitting really does a number on it. The bent knee, gravity, etc.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

leg treatment

My friend is here with her body-sculpting machine. She worked for THREE HOURS on my (less swollen) leg last night--calf front & back, thigh back--and really pushed out a lot of the left-over edema and more importantly, loosened the fascia tissue (which was all stuck to the muscle like saran wrap on a microwaved plate--very painful to losen by hand, feels like I'm getting an Indian Rope Burn). This morning it looks really good. Still minor swelling but not at all gross like it used to be. She is going to try to do my whole body while she's here. We've got a massage table set up in the living room and we watch TV while she works (it's kind of boring, not like a massage).