Saturday, April 30, 2005

response to yesterday's comment & to all commenters

My friend, if you want a personal reply, you can't post anonymously!
My email address is wholelottarosieyoung at yahoo dot com.

To give you a short-form answer, right now I'm on a colonic kick. Read my many posts about it. It's not gross and it works--but you have to get several of them, and a liver flush. Your local alternative/natural health magazine should have listings for colonic irrigation. These magazines are often free at health food and new age stores. Then add digestive enzymes to your diet with every meal, and take some form of fiber. You'll feel much better, and it will support your other weight-loss efforts.

Good luck!

another reason not to be fat: Alzheimer's

Original article can be found here. I know that it will go away.
I have 2 known cases of AD (Alzheimer's Disease) in my family, so I've already got a chance. Evidently being a blob ups my chance quite a bit. Here's the article:

Middle-Age Obesity Predicts Old-Age Dementia

By Tom Ewing, MedPage Today Staff Writer
Reviewed by Zalman S. Agus, MD; Emeritus Professor at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.
April 28, 2005
Also covered by: Fox News, MSN, MSNBC
MedPage Today Action Points

* Inform patients of the many health risks associated with being overweight, including the apparent role of midlife obesity as a predictor of future dementia.

* Understand that further studies are needed to confirm the link between excess weight and elevated risk for dementia.

OAKLAND, April 28-Obesity in middle age, already associated with a risk of early mortality, also seems to have a link with a fate worse than death -- dementia.

Men and women who are obese or overweight in their 40s are far more likely than those of normal weight to be diagnosed with dementia when they reach their 60s and 70s, according to a report published online today in the BMJ.

The study was the first to examine the contribution of midlife adiposity and skin-fold thickness to the risk of dementia. The increased risk of dementia was independent of sociodemographic characteristics and common comorbidities.

The investigators believe that if their findings are confirmed, the current obesity epidemic may shift the projections upward on the expected prevalence of dementia in the next 20 years. Even without factoring in a dementia-obesity link, the investigators point out, there is expected to be a 400% rise in dementia in the next 20 years because of the nation's rapidly aging population.

In the BMJ study, epidemiologist Rachel Whitmer at the Kaiser Permanente Northern California Medical Group, and colleagues conducted a prospective analysis of 10,276 men and women who had undergone detailed, mulltiphasic health evaluations between 1964 and 1973, when they were age 40 to 45, and who were still members of the Kaiser health plan in 1994, nearly 30 years later.

Database examination revealed that from 1994 to 2003, 713 of the 10,000-plus participants (6.9%) had been diagnosed with dementia. Mean age at initial recorded diagnosis was 74.3 years (range 66 to 82), and the mean time to start of ascertainment of dementia was 26.3 years after the multiphasic exam.

Among the results of the researchers' analysis:

* Compared to those whose weight was normal at midlife, obese participants had a 74% greater risk of dementia (hazard ratio 1.74, 95% confidence interval 1.34 to 2.26).

* Those who were overweight had a 35% greater risk of dementia (hazard ratio 1.35, 95% confidence interval 1.14 to 1.60), compared to those whose weight was normal.

* Compared to men in the lowest fifth of the distribution of subscapular or tricep skin-fold thickness, men in the highest fifth had a 72% greater risk of dementia (hazard ratio 1.72, 95% confidence interval 1.36 to 2.18).

* Women in the highest fifth in the distribution of skin-fold thickness were at 60% greater risk than women in the lowest fifth (hazard ratio 2.18, 95% confidence interval 1.24 to 2.04).

The researchers postulated that an increased risk of dementia with adiposity may possibly be associated with cardiovascular disease and diabetes, because both of these conditions are known to increase the risk of dementia. Or, they suggested, adiposity may have a direct effect on neuronal degradation. Further studies on obesity and dementia, they said, should consider distribution of adiposity and the role of adipocytokines on brain structure and function.

Although the risks of premature mortality associated with obesity appear to be declining, perhaps because of improvements in public health and medical care, they remain high. Compared with normal-weight persons, there were 111,909 excess deaths associated with obesity in the year 2000 and 33,747 excess deaths among persons who were underweight, Katherine M. Flegal, Ph.D., and colleagues reported in the April 20 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association. Yet that was far less than a previous estimate of 400,000.

During the original multiphasic evaluations in the Kaiser study, patients had been interviewed, had undergone clinical examinations, and had given blood samples.

Height and weight had been measured, and each patient was subsequently categorized according to body mass index as obese (30), overweight (25.0-29.9), normal (18.6-24.9), or underweight (18.5 or less). At midlife, 10% of the cohort were obese, 36% overweight, 53% normal weight, and 1% underweight.

In addition, the patients' subscapular and triceps skin-fold thickness had been measured. Because these measures varied significantly by sex (P = <0.0001),>

For the body-mass index models, the reference group included participants with a normal index, while the reference group for skinfolds included those in the lowest fifth.

In the current study, the researchers examined databases of inpatient and outpatient medical records for the program from 1994 to 2003 for cases of dementia, Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, and other illnesses that had been diagnosed in the patients during those years.

The researchers then used the log rank test to assess the association between time of diagnosis of dementia and characteristics measured at the multiphasic exam. They used Cox proportional hazard models to identify independent predictors of risk for late-life dementia. And they carried out chi-square analyses to determine the relationships between midlife measures of adiposity and covariates by health plan membership status in 1994.

Related articles:

* Moderate Weight Improves Chances for Long Life

* Heart Disease Risk Factors Declining Among the Obese

Primary source: BMJ
Source reference:
Whitmer R, et al. Obesity in Middle-Age and Future Risk of Dementia: A 27 Year Longitudinal Population Based Study. BMJ. BMJ Online First, April 27, 2005.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Leg update

As the day went on yesterday, it did swell up a bit (gravity pulling fluid down). I took a walk at lunch--around the edges of the lot which encompasses several buildings here (found a nice little stream I didn't know existed!). I got physically tired, which is fine, but my leg did not get heavy or "stupid" and it didn't feel like it was dragging.
I don't know how to describe the feeling--I call it stupid. It's like I just can't lift it properly, and if I'm walking in snow or sand you can see a 4-6" drag mark behind my foot. Once it starts doing that, if I don't stop walking, my thigh goes numb (how strange is THAT?) and if I continue to abuse it by walking, then the knee starts to snap and crack and then it starts to hurt.
This morning, when I got up, it had the same degree of swelling (almost none!) as yesterday morning. Unfortunately I'm wearing sweatpants, with elastic ankles, which always make my leg unhappy, so we'll see how today goes. I washed pillows and the laundry didn't dry AND it was covered in feathers, so no clean pants this morning.
In general, my leg feels much lighter (my whole body does) which makes me happy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

is MSG inherently evil?

I don't understand this MSG hype.

Here's some, mostly hysterical (not funny, but the real meaning of the word), MSG websites:
Truth in Labeling
Holstic Healing

non-hysterical MSG sites
European Food Information Council
Food & Drug Administration
Internatational Glutamate Information Service (a very nicely designed web site, BTW)
Australian glutamate site
A short letter about MSG


Interestingly enough, WebMD does not have any specific article on MSG! Typing it into their search engine brings up mostly articles on headaches and low-salt diets.

I don't believe in living in fear, and I hate to think that there really is a "them" (MJ-12 or whoever) that is controlling us. I can see (I'm not blind or stupid) that the ANTI-MSG sites are all metaphysical/holistic/new age in theme and the PRO-MSG websites are all goverment or corporation. Them vs Us.

Do I believe everything I read? No, because then I'd be a total raving lunatic, instead of a gently raving one. I think neither group is telling the whole truth. The metaphysical people are prone to inflating and inventing facts as much as the corporate/goverment websites are, and they both also suppress or downplay facts to fit their preconcieved notions of what the truth should be.

So what's up with MSG? I don't know. I'm not going to go out of my way to eat it OR avoid it; if I'm hungry and it's in my food, so be it. If it's in food that I don't want to eat, that I don't want to eat, there's a convenient excuse.

I could make this same argument about aspartame, but I don't feel like doing that right now.

Disturbing Advertisment

My ears are once again being raped by the screaming voices of men without testicles. God, I hate that kind of 70's crap.
For the last month or so, a local store has had a very disturbing commercial on all the radio stations (at least the ones I listen to or are forced to listen to). The first couple of times, I wasn't paying attention and figured I hadn't heard it correctly. Then I was in the car with my husband and he confirmed that the ad bothered him too.
The tag line, repeated throughout the commercial, is "This proves if I do the right thing, you will come!" (in a man's voice) and a woman talking to him about how his is "longer" and "thicker" for "half the price". I swear to this. I could not make this up. It's a FURNITURE STORE talking about MATTRESSES and it's such a DIRTY commercial. I can't believe they play it at all.
I guess it worked, huh, because here I am talking about it. But I won't say what store it is. If you live in CT or MA you've heard the ad and you know.

making decisions

I know completely in my heart that I cannot go cold turkey on all those foods at once for that amount of time, and to do it sequentially will take forever.
To attempt it is to set myself up for failure and self-recrimination.
I am going to the ND today and I'm going to talk to her about it. I feel a lot better since I did the liver flush (even if I am still full of stones). I feel intituively that it's a digestive issue which can be solved in other ways than deprivation OR cutting my stomach up.

my leg is better!

I might not have passed any stones, but the swelling in my leg is WAY down. I had no idea it would happen, or I would have taken a "before" picture. It's not red, it's leg-colored, and the swelling is still evident, but not what it was. It used to be 2" bigger around than my other leg, but now it's probably an inch.
That, to me, proves that I had a toxic waste dump inside me.
My stomach also feel smaller & flatter. I'll get on the scale again in a couple of days. (I hate doing it too often--too much false hope or false gain.)
I also feel weird around my chin, throat, neck area. I keep touching it. It doesn't hurt or anything, just feels different. As if my chin might be smaller, and my neck. I can't really put it into words (some writer I am).
So that's all good.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

music I hate

When my boss is here he always wants the radio on. I hate commercial radio. (Launchcast has totally spoiled me)
I hate country, hip-hop, top 40, & oldies in that order. I didn't know I hated oldies until my boss started ear-raping me with it daily. Oldies now means the 70's and what they play from the 70's is not cool stuff like Zeppelin and AC/DC and Generation X (don't know who that is? Look it up, lazy creature)'s castrato rock: the Bee Gees and all those men without testicles who sing higher than girls. And what really repulses me is pseudo country. Like the Allman brothers. "Sweet Home Alabama" (good movie, crappy song). "Ramblin' Man" (which I just heard, which prompted this tirade). 38 Special.
I also hate Cher, just because her fake vibrating voice annoys the shit out of me. Then again, I'm learning that being shit-less is a GOOD thing.

what my colonic guy said about me....reiki...abuse...

He said again today that he's very glad he tried to do the colonic on me that first day a couple of weeks ago.
He said I have a small butt for my size. (hahaha)
He also said he saw a man who was 2" taller than me and 50lbs LESS and he was too fat to get a colonic.
He was also amazed at my "mobility"--the ease with which I move. I don't think I move easily, but he is one of the people astonished that I can climb stairs and walk at all. While all I see is that I can't climb more than 2 flights of stairs at once, and I can only walk to the end of the street and back.
I honestly give all the credit to anything good about my health to Reiki. If I didn't have so many Reiki attunements in me, I think I'd be in a much worse place.
But maybe it's not doing me any favors, letting me skate along thin ice where, if I had fallen through long ago like I should have, I wouldn't be in this state now--I'd have fixed myself back then (whenever that would have been). Or died.
In another dimension, all those things and more have happened.
In another dimension, I married the guy who beat me up and he killed me. or I killed him.
In another dimension, he never beat me up.
In another dimension, we were never friends to begin with.
It could go on and on. But surely that whole thing with him hitting me because I looked good and other guys looked at me has scarred me. I didn't think I looked good. I just wanted to play pinball with someone. I guess in his world it's a crime for a girl in a short skirt to play pinball with a guy other than her boyfriend. Why does that night stand out in my mind so much? it's not even the worst one....

Still cleansing

I'm still passing bile and those feathery things that look like overgrown brine shrimp. Maybe there's hope for some gall stones to come out.
My friend suggested that maybe my gall stone, which showed up on the ultrasound, is too big to pass with this method, which means it might block the duct so others can't pass. I am going to call my doctor and find out how large it is.

oh well

I went to Burger King. I ate slowly, mindfully, with the intent that it not make me sick. Then I had the few pieces of watermelon I hadn't already eaten for dessert. Both were delicious.
I refuse to have regrets.
Then again, no one else knows I "fell off the wagon"...we'll see if I crumple under pressure.


Sometimes I get these ideas, they're barely even ideas, they're fleeting ideas.
Like, a few months ago I THOUGHT about getting a fish. I mentioned it to someone who said, "you should buy yourself that fish now"--I wanted to wait until I acheived a certain weight-loss goal, which I still haven't. I wasn't even entirely sure I WANTED a fish. And then I'm saying to my husband, "Let's get a fishtank" and he's resistant (and you know how I am about resistance!) and now I have a tank taking up half of the bookcase with three fish in it. I like the fish, don't get me wrong, but it was like the idea to buy them just steamrollered out of my hands and I was in the store choosing a fish before I had any idea what was going on.
It wasn't that unconscious, but it wasn't entirely without some kind of weird compulsion. Like when I decided to do a strange thing I don't feel like I can back out of it gracefully and say no to myself.
It happens to me with food. I think, "hmm, maybe I could go to xx for dinner" and then I'm driving there and I'm not really that hungry, but I "have" to eat, so where else should I go? Or I know I'm hungry but nothing is appealing to me so I just pick somewhere I know I like.
I feel that way right now.
My yummy watermelon is sitting there looking at me but I want to go to Burger King and my therapist isn't answering her e-mail and I'm at work so I can't call her and I'm freaking out like an AA person in front of a bar with an angel and a devil on my shoulder. "Eat the hamburger" "eat the watermelon" (I can have both, actually, they aren't mutually exclusive).

Green Sheep

I suck at "no."
I'm one of those contrary people who never does what others want.
If you told me there was a new watermelon diet, I'd probably stop eating watermelon. (Or whatever food.) If you tell me to go left, I'll want to go right. Or stop.
There is not really any way for you to get me to do what you want, unless in a rare case it's something I'm already doing or was planning on doing. And even then, I can get bratty.
The more "no's" you pile on me, the least likely I am to obey any of them. In fact, teling me no is the best way to get me to go in the other direction. If for some reason you WANTED me to eat at Burger King, just tell me I couldn't.
Yeah, and while you're at it, DO NOT think of a green sheep.
No! No green sheep! Not a lovely little sheep who matches the grass it nibbles on. DO NOT think of that green sheep.
And don't eat any wheat while you are not thinking of that sheep. And make sure that food that's wheat-free also has no corn in it, or MSG. and NO GREEN SHEEP. While you're studying your food and ignoring the sheep, why not take out the milk and the sugar too? just for haha's, don't have a side of potatoes either, or drink any soda, or eat any meat, or anything from a can, box or bag or restaurant, or have anything from the nightshade family (tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplant, potatoes again), or anything sweet like fruit. And whatever you do, don't look at that green sheep.
Enjoy your lunch.

revelation about the continuing suckiness of my life

I don't think I WANT to succeed at this food sensitivity thing, if the road to success is filled with unhappiness and deprivation and so is the end of the road. Why not be unhappy yet not feel deprived? Isn't this another form of beating myself up for not being good enough?
So I starve myself for however long I can bear it, feeling horribly deprived and put-upon by the universe, listening to everyone around me harangue me for not doing as good as I should have, and what do I get at the end? More deprivation, more shoulds, more shouldn'ts, more do- this-don't-do-that's.
My life sucks enough as it is. I don't understand why I have to make it even worse. And the nebulous "you'll feel so much better" isn't cutting it for me. I don't feel better today after my failed liver flush, I feel $210 poorer and massively hungry after a 24 hour fast.
I want to last 2-3 weeks on this "no anything" diet but I don't think I'm going to last 2-3 days the way I feel now. And it's not cravings, it's just anger that always, the universe wants to take and take and take from me and WHY DO I KEEP ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN?
Don't I need to put my foot down and say "fuck this. No more"?


I think I love watermelon as much as I love pizza. (and I'm Italian!)
I brought a tupperware-type thing of watermelon chunks to work for lunch. Remember that I haven't eaten since I finished my similar container of baby organic carrots yesterday at 9:30. So I had just a piece, just a small chunk, and it's SO GOOD. So juicy- sweet.
Of course, that's probably my candida talking. Or I'm channeling Gollum.

liver flush & insanity

I don't want to say it was a big fat failure...but I feel like a big fat failure.
No stones came out. Just gobs of bile and tentacly things and gas and mucous. Don't hear me wrong, it's good that all that came out. It's just that my friend told me she passed hundreds of stones and the literature says you can pass up to 2,000. And I didn't pass one.
It is totally my fault.
I couldn't finish the salt water at 6:00 or at 8:00. Both times I got about half down and then started to vomit/choke. I was only able to gag down half of the olive oil and grapefruit juice combination at 10:00.
I can eat today, but I'm still restricted from the big seven. You remember, corn, wheat, buckwheat, MSG, milk, grapes and sugar. Not to mention potatoes, which my body just rejects although I do love to eat them!
The defination of insanity is doing the same thing in the same way over and over and expecting different results. I eat potatoes, get sick, and eat them again. That has to be a form of insanity.

Monday, April 25, 2005


I don't do well on no food, and half a bag of carrots at 9:00 a.m. this morning is NOT FOOD. No food allowed for the rest of the day, except for salt water, grapefruit juice and olive oil. Tomorrow when the liver flush is done, I will remain on no wheat, no sugar, no MSG, no milk, no buckwheat, and no corn. (and no potatoes)
It hasn't even been a whole day yet and already I can't deal with it. I know it's withdrawal and toxin buildup and yaddah yaddah, but still, it's totally annoying.
I feel the same kind of dizziness and incipient stupidity that I get when I'm on the Atkins diet. Yeah, I lose weight, but I'm stupid. If I eat carbs and become un-stupid, I gain weight back. Goes back to the philosophocial question I raised earlier about how some women would rather give up years from their lives or point off their IQ to be thin.
Funny, I just realized that I don't have to poop like I usually do after a colonic. I must be CLEAN. We'll see what comes out in a hour after the salt water....

a butt-full of coffee

I just came home from my coffee enema/colonic. I don't drink or like coffee, so it's safe to say that more coffee just went up my butt than ever went down my throat!
It was kinda weird because after he put the coffee up there (quite a bit of it, a large hot water bottle full), he had me go into the bathroom and poop--he didn't take it out with the hose. Probably the best smelling poop ever--smelled like coffee! Very strange. Since I haven't eaten all day, and I usually don't indulged in things with caffeine anyway, the caffeine went straight to my head, making me dizzy. As I continue to be, writing this.

cleansing starts today

I am going to have an insane week of healing, cleansing and starving.
Today, I am having a colonic as part of my liver flush. This involves not eating after 2 p.m. and having no fats, oils or protein before then.
But since I have a rebirthing session at 12:30, and it's better if I'm not digesting while that's going on, I had to finish eating by 10:30. (baby organic carrots).
The rebirthing session is until 2:00, then I have to get the headlight on my car fixed.
At 4:00 is my colonic. At 6:00 I have to drink epsom salts in water to open my internal pores (and further cleanse my colon).
At 8:00 I have to drink more epsom salts.
At 10:00 I have to drink OLIVE OIL and GRAPEFRUIT JUICE (mixed). (bleah)
Tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m. I get another colonic which will flush out enormous amounts of gall stones (at least, that's the plan).
I also have to bring a couple of my pets to the vet this week, go see the ND for accupuncture, and someone wants some training in MS Office which she's going to pay me for. So hopefully that training will finance some of these (very expensive) colonics.
PLUS my friend is coming from out of state to work on me. She's a massage therapist. She is planning on giving me a whole-body detox treatment over 2-3 days to support this cleansing, and we're going to go to a May pole ritual while she's up here.
AND there's two deadlines for book submissions this weekend, so I have to prepare the manuscripts for submission as well.
Fun, fun, fun.

more no-no's

My nutricional therapist says that no matter what, I can't have any processed food. Nothing in a jar, bag, box or cooked by a restaurant.
My colonic guy says no meat and nothing sweet (like the carrots I had for breakfast, or watermelon, or basically any fruit). Meat is constipating. Sweet feeds the candida.
This is where I draw the line and REBELL. NO FUCKING WAY. enough is enough. The list the ND gave me, plus my body's nudges about potatoes, are limiting enough.
Let's see how I feel after this liver flush/colonic thing, what I can eat, how I look, how my leg feels. The colonics have made a difference in the chronic swelling.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

what's left

I went through an on-line grocery store. There may be a few things left that I didn't think of, but I'd say this is 95% accurate. I didn't realize malodextrin is made from corn, so I might still have to par this list down even more.

There are other foods that I don't like and wouldn't eat; those things are not on this list. They are in no particular order.

homemade sauce
green beans
olive oil
lemon juice
orange juice 100%
snow peas
diet soda
atkins endulge chocolate bars
ragu light no sugar added sauce
unsweetened baking chocolate
promise margarine (maybe--sweet whey?)
country crock margarine
popcorn? (is it corn, or not?)
skippy carb options peanut butter
teddy old fashioned peanut butter
purple shredded cabbage

yes, all of those things are yummy, but I can't see how to LIVE on them.

I wrote a huge post earlier, straight into the website, and when I hit "publish post" I got an error message and lost the whole thing. Grr.

one more food sensitivity

I spelled that wrong, didn't I? Oh well.
I got the paperwork faxed to me from the ND. Buckwheat. What the hell is buckwheat? I guess it's a mystery, like the Concorde grapes which I never eat.
So my total allergy/food sensitivity list is:
Moo Milk
Concorde Grapes

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

please don't make your children clean their plates

It so annoys me when I hear/see parents and grandparents forcing children to clean their plates in order to get dessert. Whatever happened to "leave room for dessert"? Eat half the entre and you won't be stuffed to puking when you eat dessert. Better yet, eat half the dessert too-share with a friend or take it home. You'll get 2 meals for the price of one.
I still have a thing about "wasting food"--can't waste food, have to eat it all. PLEASE DON'T PROGRAM THIS INTO YOUR CHILDREN. The harm is irreparable.


[edited quote]
Definite Sources of MSG
autolyzed yeast
calcium caseinate
hydrolyzed protein
sodium caseinate
yeast extract
Possible Sources of MSG
textured protein
vegetable gum
natural flavorings
chicken flavoring
beef flavoring
pork flavoring
smoke flavoring
barley malt
malt extract
malt flavoring
whey protein
whey protein isolate
whey protein concentrate
soy protein
soy protein isolate
soy protein concentrate
soy sauce
soy extract

MSG can also be found (though not always) in vaccines, flu shots, IV solutions (as maltodextrin), and in vitamin supplements.

MSG is always present in any gelatin-encapsulated
vitamin or supplement.
[end quote]

I can't even take my FUCKING VITAMINS?!! This is total
fucking bullshit. I disbelieve in it all. DISBELIEVE.

deprivation looms

The ND wants me to give up all these things for SIX to EIGHT weeks, and better to give up one at a time for that length, so that's 36-48 WEEKS of deprivation, and probably forever. She doesn't believe in the colon cleansing's power to do anything but expell poop.
If I didn't have pets that depend on me I'd kill myself. The world doesn't need me in it, right now I am a burden on everyone, just a leech begging money off those close to me because I can't even get a real fucking job to support myself. My husband would sell the birds and they'd die, and he'd put the cats to sleep, and the fish would starve becauase he swore he'd never feed them and wants nothing to do with them.
I am so full of grief. I don't feel like I can function.
What good timing, my therapist is away for a week while I self-destruct. I did email her but I don't know if she's got internet access where she is, if she can even check her mail from the web or if she even would--maybe she wants to be away from it all, not bothered with whiny melodramatic suicidal fat women.
I know there's a lot of people who'd cheer at the thought of me dying: a useless disgusting ugly obese person, one less hideous creature to pollute the world of the beautiful people.


I did see a brief note online that today's 4/20. I wrote a story about the great northeastern blackout (in August a couple of years ago) with a 4:20 theme.
No, I don't smoke, but I'm not a hardass about those around me who do.

I can't do this

I went to the ND yesterday and got tested for food allergies. It was an interesting process. She had three or four plastic tubs, about the size of lunch boxes, full of small vials. (I love the archiac
spelling "phials"--when you say it, you can hear how it morphed from a ph into a v.) I'd say there were several hundred of them all together. She had an electrical device attached to a round tray holder with spaces for four small phials and four large (she didn't use any large ones). I had to hold a grounding device in my right hand and she had a probe which she touched to my left middle finger, to the side of the nail (the side toward the index finger, at the base of
the nail). The machine would buzz--a high buzz seemed to mean okay, and a low buzz warning (the amount of current going through me maybe?). With 4 phials into the tray, she would test my finger. If it buzzed okay, then all four substances were non-reactive to me and she'd put them aside. If it buzzed not okay, she'd test each phial individually until she found the
one(s) I was reactive to. And so on, through hundreds of vials, until she had taken out a couple of dozen.
She retested those and ended up with six or seven (she didn't give me the list, how frustrating) that I was highly reactive to. I remembered six, but I seem to think there were seven phials.
Here's my "magic seven" foods I can't eat. Can you hear me crying?
Concorde grapes (which I don't eat, so weird).
MSG is in everything. Corn is in everything. Sugar is in everything. Wheat is in a lot of things. Milk, well I already knew that made me sick. Potatoes did NOT come up, but I already know they make me expel bile. The grapes I don't care about.
I am so upset. I just want to curl into a ball and cry. Sugar includes things like fruit. Corn is
anything with vegatable oil, or anything cooked in it (fried, stir fried). I think I can still eat green
beans, black pepper, tomatoes, salt, peppers, rice....Maybe I should give up and die.
Since I don't know what blood type I am, the ND is having me tested so she can put me on the Blood Type diet. She thinks I am an O. I think I am an A. If I am an A, that gets rid of meat as well (no meats came up in my test as reactive, despite the vast numbers of chickens I've consumed in my lifetime). My dad is 0, my mother A so I could be either.
I can't fucking do this. Not even with help. Why does the universe want me to die? I am not a bad person.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


I have to wonder how many people read this blog. Two people who know who I am in the real world know about it, but both are busy and I honestly doubt they visit it. I get some comments--does everyone who visitscomment?
Probably not. I've noticed that comments usually come within a day of new postings. Whether someone's just following a "new posting" random link on or what, I have no way of knowing. There's no counter function that I know of.
I am not ashamed to be fat and posting this blog. I just want to be 100% honest and if people who know me are reading it, I might hold back and say "well, I can't say this because so-and-so reads the blog and will recoginize the situation." I sometimes describe situations that indeed those close to me would recognise.

I don't long to be thin and gorgeous. This isn't about looks. I have a gorgeous face and amazing eyes which no one looks into because they are above an ovoid blob of a body. I was thin once, and it got me beaten up (probably part of the reason why I got fat again). I just want to be able to move, to fit into clothes and chairs and small cars without worrying about it. I don't want a perfectly flat stomach and stick arms. I just don't want my stomach to droop or my arms to be
floppy or my thighs to rub together when I walk. Of course, when I weighed 125 my arms were floppy, maybe I should give up on that goal.
I think about deals from the devil. Not that I believe in the devil; I'm pagan. But just as a philosophical exercise. In a library book which I ended up returning before I transcribed all notes, I read that woman would give up years off their life to be thin rather than live longer and being fat. I believe some of them were even willing to sacrifice points off their IQ to be thin. Okay, fine, I'd like to weigh my IQ, how's that? And I'd still be obese.
Actually, no, I'd be exactly at the cusp. 24.9 is the high normal BMI and 25 is overweight. I guess I'm thinking of fat percentage. I had my fat percentage done when I weighed 125 and I was >30% fat, which is obese. BMI calculator:
Hmm, I just played with that and I've dropped 3 points of BMI since starting this blog. I was at over 60 and now I'm in the high 50's. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking fat, huh? But my doctor told me he operated on a person who had a 90 BMI. I don't know if it was a man or a woman, but if it was a woman she must have weighed over 500 lbs, and a man over 600. I used to know a
guy who weighed 480. He had the surgery and he's down to 300 and he's still very large, but at least he doesn't have to sit on 2 folding chairs at once like he used to.
Not sure where I was going with this, just thoughts I guess. I'm going back to the nauropathic doctor today, will post more after the visit, and also getting another colonic on Friday. Yay. Clean
body=healthy body.

Monday, April 18, 2005

more on colonics

You can lose 8-10 pounds over a series of 3 colonics (I lost 5# after one). You don't lose fat, you lose impacted fecal matter which is poisoning your system and helping to create fat. Your stomach flattensbecause it's not bloated with old nasty poop anymore.

If your intestines are crusted with old poop, you can't absorb nutrients properly so you keep eating more to get the nutrients you need, and it gets turned to fat because it can't be digested. That's where I am. Don't be me! Clean out your old poop! ;)
I only lost 5# but my abdomen feels a lot lighter, almost as good as it did after I was sick in December. My friend said after her 3d treatment, her pants were falling off, and they were tight when she'd bought them a few weeks before, and same with her bras because so much toxins got flushed out of her body. Toxins cause water retention/bloat.
Hey, if letting this guy hose out my ass 6-8 times can really make me lose 120 lbs in the next year, I'm all for it. Nothing else has worked! Even if I have to get hosed every few weeks it would be worth it. and still cheaper than $20,000 for surgery--and SAFER with no long term side effects like dumping.

colonic stuff

There's no toilet involved. He fills your colon with water and then lets it drain out a tube. Not sure exactly how it works, but it does.

<>I passed a worm on Sunday. My husband wouldn't come look at it (it came out all by itself, no poop) so I'm not entirely sure it was one. But it looked like a worm. It was a white tubey thing about 2 inches long. My therapist said I should have scooped it out and kept it. Eww, now that's gross. If another comes out I guess I will.

I have to get my liver flushed. It's a gross process, my friend did it. You have to drink olive oil and other disgusting substances. She said she passed hundreds of little gallstones afterward. As long as my liver is clogged with toxins I can't digest anything properly. So the liver has to be flushed, probably a couple of times, and keep flushing out the butt until I'm totally clean there too--clean meaning no candida & no more bile coming out.

yum yum, aren't I hungry now? haha

colon cleansing

I went for a colonic on Saturday. It was something I had been thinking about for a while, and talking about doing it with various people in my life. Last month, I found out one of those people had gone and gotten hers done without me, and I was kind of upset. But she inspired me, and when I unexpected made $100 on Friday (cash money), I decided it was a sign from the Universe. Saturday afternoon I called and got an appointment, and the guy ended up calling me to come in early when someone else blew off her appointment.

I honestly didn't know what to expect. My friend had said she got to watch all the stuff coming out and that it was amazing to see. As soon as the gentleman opened the door, he said, "I'll try to do one on you, but I probably won't be able to." Confused, I followed him down the hall, thinking, huh? he just called and told me to come right away and now he's saying he can't do it? What the hell? But it turned out that it's very difficult to do a colonic on a severely overweight person. Something about the shape of the butt.

It took two tries, but he was able to get the thing (sorry for the intensely technical terms here) to stay in me when I rolled over. It felt basically like the speculum the gyno sticks in your bug, but up your butt. You get used to it, but it didn't feel GOOD. I still don't understand why someone would have butt sex. I guess that's another whole topic.

Basically he'd pump the water in until I said I felt like I had to go, and then he'd drain it out. No smell, no mess. Just a weird gurgling feeling inside while he was "filling" and then a fullness, and then the usual "I gotta go" feeling. I was lying on my back the whole time, and he'd push on my abdomen to try to squeeze more out. There was a mirror on the wall, but since I was on my back I couldn't see anything. I think my friend said she was on her side, and watched the tube in the mirror. My other friend who has gone to other place to get her "butt reamed" as we put it, also said she was on her side. Not sure why I was on my back, especially since the rolling over with the tube up my butt was the problem and why he had to insert it twice!

He told me that I have a massive candida infestation in my colon (which is weird-I had a reading last Friday and that guy said the same thing, and I said no, but I guess he was right), and that my liver is totally fucked up, which is why I have gall stones and poop pure, bright yellow bile. In fact a few times I said to him "the water's too hot" and he said that wasn't water, that was the bile being flushed out!

So the food allergy thing that I thought I had, well I have it, but it's not what I think. He said any food that I eat often will cause a food reaction because my liver can't process anything. If I clean out my liver, then I won't have food issues. He said he can help me with this.

He is the FIRST person I have EVER seen who said, in essence, "I know what's wrong with you and I can help you fix it." He said if I do what he says, and do a series of colonics, that in 6-8 weeks I'll be cleaned out and I'll start losing 1-2 lbs a week naturally as my body learns to process food properly. He also said that because of the candida, some of my food cravings ARE NOT MY FAULT.

He told me about a 550 lb gentleman who had come to him for a colonic, and he was unable to lie on his back due to his weight, plus he didn't fit on the table. I don't want to end up like that. He is not the first person who's worked on me who has said that I am at a breaking point. It's shit or get off the pot time, as my late aunt used to say. (weirdly appropriate in this case since we're talking about colonics)

I have a lot of back stuff to post. I really wish the posting via email would work.

Friday, April 15, 2005

I hate numbers

I haven't been as lax as you all think. I have lots of stuff to post but I haven't been able to post via email anymore so it's just all sitting in my email box waiting to be transferred into the website directly. (This message is in part a testto see if the email posting is working again.)

I decided yesterday that I detest and despise numbers. How much do you weigh? How old are you? How tall are you? How much money do you make? What's your social security number? How many grams of carbs did you eat? How many steps did you walk? What's your BMI? What's your fat percentage? What's your dress size? How manytimes a night do you wake up?

It's all bullshit.

(well, the posting hows up in my list of posts when I choose to edit posts, but not when I look at the blog itself. And the email bounced back. Is this a post or not?)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I want some fucking bread

Is that so much to ask? I feel so unhealthy. For the most part, my food choices have sucked for the last 10 days. I actually feel worse than I did when I ate wheat. I'm not feeling dizzy and stupid lke I do on Atkins with no carbs at all, thank the gods, but I feel sick and icky--my ears are doing that thing again, for instance.
And not like a food reaction-addiction, but like I need to eat something different. I don't feel clean & good like I did after I shit and puked myself empty in December. I can understand that the clean & good feeling came from not having a "bad" food in my body, but I don't think wheat is it. Or there's still another one. Why is it so hard to take a goddamn blood test and know for sure? The ND was really against me taking it. I could get the money for it from my
grandmother or mother (if it's education or weight loss, they'll pay, but they haven't got the $20k for the surgery unfortunately).

I don't want to eat at all. I'm tired of anaylzing my food and agonzing over it and obssessing over what it's possible for me to eat. I didn't even have dinner last night--my husband wasn't home. I had people over who brought cookies and cold pizza and cake and I just wanted to cry. They made such a big deal out of hiding the cookies but they were still there in the room and
everyone else was eating them. I had a slice of watermelon while watching everyone stuff chocolate chip cookies in their faces.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

spelt pizza failure

I tried to make pizza with non-wheat flour last night. It was disgusting. Imagine a giant, soft graham cracker with pizza toppings on it. For some reason the recipe called for both honey and molasses in the dough (I don't like either) and the dough tasted of both. I could have dealt with it being dark brown, but not the honey-molasses taste--pizza shouldn't be sickeningly sweet. Ugh. And it used $4 worth of the special flour. I bought some bagels made of that flour too but if they've got honey and molasses in them too they're going to the birds.

Day 8, no wheat

I don't feel any different, except annoyed at not being able to eat pizza. I don't think wheat is it for me. I thought I lost 5 lbs and then the next day they were back, so they weren't real. Did you think I'd make it even 8 days? 21 to go...or until next Tuesday when I see the doctor again and get tested formally for food sensitivies.
My grandmother tried to get me to eat a piece of my mother's birthday cake on Sunday. She really pissed me off "oh just have a bite or two"--what part of NO WHEAT doesn't she understand? I was being a good girl and eating WATERMELON while everyone else had birthday cake. Instead of praise, I get reviled. My life is too fucking difficult some days.

Monday, April 11, 2005

2nd sleep apnea study

When I got there, to my surprise, I was given a huge room with a queen sized bed (instead of the cell with the twin bed) and piles of blankets. (I brought my own quilt from home) and no air conditioner running full blast, making the room arctic. Evidently my doctor lambasted them for my last experience.
It sucked to have to sleep there on a Saturday night; I didn't like that at all.
The mask is not comfortable. It starts at the forehead, between the eyes, and covers the nose and mouth to the chin. It holds the mouth shut. A seal full of air, like the bottom of a hovercraft, holds it to your face. It whistles when you breathe. I could not read with both eyes at once while wearing it, nor could I put on my glasses (luckily I don't need my glasses to read!).
I managed to fall asleep but I kept waking up feeling like the oxygen was being cut off. I felt the same way last time about the prongs up my nose. I know intectuallly that it's the apnea, that I stopped breathing on my own and my reptilian brain seized on an outside culprit: the mask. I'd wake up tearing at the mask, freaking out. I do this every 15 minutes, you understand. (and you wonder why I am tired all the time!). I finally called for help and said it wouldn't work, but the woman wouldn't accept that and said I was doing great. I eventually DID sleep. The problem was, every time I rolled over, I was tangling in the wires. I could not switch the o2 scanner from hand to hand because she had taped it, so I had to spend most of the night on my right side with my arm over my head. In the morning there was a red mark along my nose and cheek from the mask, and those areas were very sore. Took several hours for the red mark to fade. (and the hurt didn't go away until Wednesday). I don't want to have a permanent red mark and recurring cheekbone pain. There has to be a better way, a better mask that's no so rigid and large. I also couldn't cough with it in, because the design holds the mouth shut. So when I had to cough I had to wake up and take it off. Also a major pain.
I am going back to the doctor in May. I don't know if I'm getting the machine then or what.
I am supposed to call the shrink next week. I don't want to talk to her ever again. She told me and my therapist that it was "food issues" about my lack of variety, but she told the obesity surgeon's office that I have a "sub clinical binging disorder" which disqualifies me. Of course, the office said I didn't FAIL the test, nor am I DENIED the surgery...I'm just indefinately on hold.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

more on accupuncture

It didn't even hurt when she put needles in my ears or my scalp or between my eyes. The reason the feet points hurt is because I have issues on those meridians. I had no time to psych myself out because I didn't know I was going to get it. I was there having a consult and then she says "I'm going to do some accupuncture on you" and boom, I'm on the table and she's sticking pointy things in my ears.
I am freaking out more because if wheat isn't the total solution, guess what's next? Potatoes and then chocolate. maybe it's better to be sick and tired and fat...what do you think? I get so little pleasure out of life as it is.
I talked to a woman last night whose husband has sleep apnea and he has the machine to sleep with, and he didn't want it either. She said within 3 days he was so different, had so much energy, was so much happir, just because he had a machine to breathe for him while he sleeps. She said it makes a HUGE difference, that Idon't know how tired I am because i've been this way for so long. My 2nd sleep study is on Saturday night, then I go back to the doctor at the end of May so I guess I'd have the machine by June.

Spelt flour

People keep suggesting I just make whatever bread or pizza I want, using spelt instead of wheat flour.
I tried spelt before. It doesn't work like flour. We didn't know how to cook with it. everything came out ruined and had to be tossed as inedible.
I am so scared. My husband will want his bread and his pasta and his pizza, just like when I was on Atkins before, and I can't deal. My grandmother will keep serving me wheat-laden food and get mad when I won't eat it. My mother will give me crumpets when I go over there. I am going to bring my candy bar friend everywhere. When I can't have bread, I can pet my candy bar and know that some things are still okay.

panic mode

I am fully conscious of my panic, and it hasn't even been 24 hours since I had wheat! When I left there I had fajitas and I ate only 3 of the 4 tortillas and only about 3/4 of each tortilla last night as my "last supper". I wish I had known in advance so I could have gone somewhere with really good bread and had a huge bread binge. Doing it today, when I know, seems like cheating.
NO CAKE. I can't have chocolate cake. No brownies. ARRGHH.
I bought a candy bar last night. I am carrying it around with me like a magic wand, looking at it and petting it. Eat it? eat my only friend? Bread has deserted me! pasta has betrayed me! (now you have to be Gandalf and hit me upside the head with your staff--if you recognized that reference to Return of the King)

Nauropathic Doctor

I went to a Nauropathic Doctor to see if she could tell me anyting I don't already know about my weight and my bad leg, etc.

She seemed sympathetic...and she DID NOT ask me what I weighed. At first I thought that was cool and now I'm not so sure. I do know, but how will she know if I improve? Hmm.

As part of the appointment, I had accupuncture for the first time! I was cool with it, when she was doing my hands, my ears, my face and the top of my head. Then she got to my feet. She stuck them on the insides of my heels (kidney 3) and I
practically started howling. Between my big toes and my next toes hurt a lot too. then she burned them all with mugwort which is a hallocinogen so I got high and didn't care as much.

I have a bunch of remedies (well, 3) that I have to take 2x a day, but they didn't come with eyedroppers so I have to pick up a eyedropper today.

She thinks I have food sensitivities, which are like food allergies but different. Instead of your airway swelling up and you almost dying, you just gain weight
and bloat and get sludgey. So the bad wheat for a month, and maybe forever. No BREAD no PIZZA no CAKE. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I'm already
freaking out. No GRAVY (has flour in it). I am going to be China King's best customer as fried rice is one thing I can still eat! No fried chicken. No fajitas unless I can find 100% corn tortillas. Appareantly I am gong to have to live on rice, potatoes, and popcorn.
so if we're going to have dinner, I have to pick a place I know I can eat at. I can eat at the Pacific buffet but it's a waste of money to pay $12.99 for just fried rice. 99 house has steak tips I like.
hmm...Wendy's has baked potatos. I guess i'll be eating home a lot.

So I'm in total freak mode, can you tell?