Monday, February 28, 2005

Completely Disgusted

I occasionally visit a "critical thinking" website called the Church of Critical Thinking.
The newest posting on this site is on Scientology. I don't give a rat's ass about Scientology. However, halfway down the page, the owner of the site uses a Scientology concept to swipe at Kirstie Alliy's weight (she is a Scientologist). This is completely unacceptable. If she had some other disease, would he have felt compelled to pick on her? No--but us fatties are fair game.
This pisses me off immensely, and my motto lately is not to take this kind of shit anymore.
I sent him the following note:
"I am completely disgusted by your snide reference to Kirstie Allie's weight: 'Maybe Scientologist actress Kirstie Alley has been having a few too many deep fried mental images lately.'
Her weight has nothing to do with her religion, or with your column. If she was at what is considered an "acceptable" weight to society, you never would have made such a remark.
You are a person who claims to analyze all the facts in a scientific way. How is it scientific to mock someone's appearance?"
His email is
Let him know what YOU think.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

pink eye & fear & eating disorders

Last night during my class I came down with a horrible case of pink eye and didn't realize it. My eye was fine before I left home. When I got home after school, my husband said "you have eye gook" so I wiped it out and didn't think much of it--everyone has some eye gook once in a while. Then when I was upstairs doing homework my vision kept going blurry in that eye, so I got the mirror and there was a sliding slimy curtain of gook and my eye was bright red. Luckily I have medicine so I applied some right away. today it's less gooky but still really dry-feeling and red. I shouldn't be at work (contagious) and I shouldn't have my contacts in (irritation).
The interesting thing is, I get pinkeye when I get a Reiki attunement. I haven't gotten one of those lately...but I DID start a new metaphysical program on Monday, and i've been listening to native american ceremonial chanting when I'm in my car (which I KNOW is what freaked out my leg).
I mentioned it in passing to my friend who's waiting to get her first package for the same course and she had an interesting reaction: fear. "I hope something horrible like that doesn't happen to me!" I'm thinking, "cool, my physical body is reacting so I know something's happening, this is a good thing" and she's reacting in fear.

I got a couple of books about the physchological stuff behind eating disorders. I read one of them in one sitting. the other I didn't start yet. the one I did read talked about the Watcher (like in Power of Now), but didn't call it that (same concept) and how no matter what you're doing, you should judge, just say to yourself, "that's interesting, I wonder why I'm doing that?" the big stress in that book was to let go of any rules about eating, that judging any food as "good" "bad" or a "diet" food only screws up our body's natural cravings with layers of head-thought-filters. One of the eating rules they were most down on is my "not after 6 pm" rule--the other was obsessive water drinking. The same with exercise-move because your body likes to move and fuck any rules about how and when and how long to do it. It had a list of stages that you'll go through. The hardest one, they said, is when you feel your emotions and yet you still can't stop eating (as opposed to eating to keep from feeling emotions). This is that book:It's Not About Food: Change Your Mind; Change Your Life; End Your Obsession With Food

Sunday, February 13, 2005

make your mudras work better

This is verbatim from the person who gave me the other mudras. His English can be interesting.

ever since i introduced mudras in may 04, i have been researching,
contemplating as to how we can achieve the faster results which our
ancients could. the guidance which changed the formats one after the
another were
1) the finger tips being choked with lactic acid crystals stopping
the flow of energy and healing
2)reiki could be used to clear the blocks
3) to rub the hands to warm up.

now i have received another good guidance. the purpose is how we can
achieve balancing of elements and removal of disease within 10-15
days if our saints could get in 3-4 days. the attempt should be how
to reach the message to brain and make it active to first check what
is the imbalance and order for energy to be flown to the respective
area and also secrete the necessary harmones. this means the whole
nervous system has to be cleansed. in my reiki tips i had mentioned
about the cleansing of palm and up to elbow joints to facilitate the
flow of energy up to this level and then the energy will force itself

i would request members to do some research on a subject which i
could not do. there will be lot of members who have lot less results,
some of whom are not reiki practioners. some of you have tried mudras
but might not have got results mentioned. to all of them i suggest
the following:-

take hot water in a bucket - comfort zone and up to the level your
whole palm will get submerged. add around 100 grms sea salt in this
and keep palm submerged for some time. you can take full water also
so that more areas of hand are submerged. this should facilitate
removing blocks in the energy lines and help reaction of mudras.
reiki practioners should also draw their symbols and give reiki for
dissolving all blocks. may be do it for 3-7 days. then check whether
they feel vibration / pulsations in the areas which should be cleared
by that mudra. the heat and salt should do some dissolving.

the key is that when you touch any finger with thumb, it should start
sending signals and the relief work should start immidiately. the
mudras should start giving much better effects.
if this information resonates with you please join:

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Sleep Apnea Test

It’s actually called a “sleep study” but it’s got nothing to do with sleep, trust me.
My friend who went through it said it’s not so bad except for the gel in your hair. And she went to the same facility I did.
Here’s my experience:
I called Monday to get an appointment, and got one for that night. Kind of short notice. They basically just said, come at 8 p.m. and bring your jammies and your medicine.
I was confused where the facility was located; I thought it shared a campus with another hospital, so I was driving around looking for the Sleep Center and not finding it. I finally parked (illegally) and went inside, to find out I was at the wrong hospital. I ended up being a few minutes late for my appointment but it was no big deal.
Faithful readers know that I do the Lighten Up program every night, and as part of that I moisturize my face. (I have beautiful skin and most people think I’m in my late 20’s.) I did my face before I went out to dinner with a friend of mine, where we had pizza and some soda. (Yeah, we all backslide. But I am AWARE when I am drinking soda now, it’s totally different.)
The lady hooking me up, Cindy, said “did you follow the instructions you were given?” and I said yes, “I’m here at 8 p.m. with my pajamas and I have no medicine to bring with me.” But apparently there were OTHER directions, involving drinking caffeine (ie, the soda I just had a half hour earlier) and putting on lotion or make-up.
So she made me scrub my skin clean. And I was supposed to have a packet of papers all filled out, but I didn’t have them since my appointment was made the same day. Cindy was crabby at me.
My naked skin was unhappy and Cindy made it more unhappy by…no lie…SANDING MY SKIN.
My beautiful smooth wrinkle-free skin. Sandpaper. I could have cried.
I ended up hundreds (really about fifty) wires connected all over my body-all around my eyes, my cheeks, my chin, my chest, my ankles. Things stuck up my nose and wrapped around my upper lip. Goop in my hair with more wires. Straps around my chest above and below my boobs. All the wire connected to a pack on my chest, which was connected to another pack on the headboard, and then to a computer or something. Some kind of device.
Since I don’t own pajamas, I brought a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. My swollen leg is not fond of sweats cuz of the elastic, but if the elastic stays down around my ankle it’s fine. I had no idea my legs would be wired. I had to push the elastic up to mid-calf and couldn’t pull it back down.
The bed was a twin. I haven’t slept in a twin bed in 12 years. It had smooth hard cotton sheets. I only sleep on soft fuzzy flannel sheets (year round) with feather pillows (I brought my own pillow). The bedspread was one of those thin cheap polyester ones like hotels have. The mattress was comfy, but too small for my energetic sleeping style.
I read for a little while (they provided a TV but I’m not a TV person) and then settled in to sleep. I knew they were watching me and listening to me. The air conditioner was on FULL BLAST (yes, in February in New England) and the room was freezing cold—maybe 50 degrees? The elastic of the sweats was cutting into my swollen
leg and the pain was amazing, it was like being SLICED. The leg kept swelling and swelling so the elastic was tighter and tighter. If I had had a knife I would have cut off the elastic. Because I was tied to the bed with wires I couldn’t sit up or reach my leg to adjust the elastic at all. I couldn’t even kick properly to cover my feet with the inadequate blanket so my feet were freezing all night. I couldn’t fall asleep. I’d lie on one side, start to drift off, wake up immediately, and try to roll over without strangling myself. I felt like I was a rotisserie chicken, trying to rotate in place since the bed was so narrow.
I missed my cats and my warm husband. I turned my cell phone thinking it had to be
nearly dawn and it was only 2:11 a.m.
I did finally fall asleep and have a weird Lord of the Rings-themed dream, and then it was 5 a.m. and they were waking me up. I was completely entangled in wires and Cindy said, “I wonder how many you ripped off” but I hadn’t removed one. The elastic had cut into my leg nearly to the bone. I was exhausted, in pain, and ready to pass out.
There was no way I could go to work. They had already prepared a note for me—I guess it’s not uncommon for those who sleep there to be more tired when they leave.
I went home and got right into a HOT shower, where I discovered electrodes still stuck to my chest. She had disconnected the wires from my head but left half a dozen gel-soaked pads in my hair which had to be extracted.
My poor leg was red with a huge dent in mid-calf. (At 3 p.m., 9 hours later, the dent was still visible.)
I called into work, crawled up the stairs into my own bed with soft sheets, soft blankets and warm kitties, and passed out until after 11, when my parrots woke me screaming for breakfast (they usually get fed by 9 a.m.). I had a headache which didn’t go away until Wednesday night. It’s Thursday and my leg, while not dented
anymore, still has twinges of pain.
I put on the questionnaire that I wake up at least 10 times per night to move around, but that night it was probably closer to thirty times. I have no idea if I snored or did anything else they were looking for (something in my legs for sure, since they asked about “restless legs” on the questionnaire).
I know that with all the stuff they’d crammed up my nose that I couldn’t breathe right. I felt like the tube they said would help me breathe was actually stealing air from me. I didn’t say that, because that’s crazy talk and I don’t want to be put away. They never tried to inflate my airway. I thought that was the point of the exercise, to know how much inflation I’d need if I started to suffocate after the
surgery. Maybe some of the wires tell them that? I hope I don’t have to go through it again. I’ll bring my own bedding if I do.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Sleep Apnea #1

Tuesday I went for what I thought would be the last of my pre-surgery tests (useless since my surgery isn’t happening)—to see if I have sleep apnea. As I understand it, sleep apnea is kind of like SIDS for adults, but most don’t die. (In fact, I believe it’s what causes SIDS in babies, or something similar.)
Basically, I forget to breathe.
I know, that sounds incredible. But anyone who knows me and has heard me talk has probably said “Breathe!” at least once to me. (My therapist says it constantly.) It’s not that I hold my breath like a willful child turning blue to get attention.
Somewhere in the process, my chest just stops moving. I still get a little air, somehow, even I don’t know how. If you stuck me underwater I’d drown like anyone else.
Now, my therapist says it’s cuz I’m swallowing my feelings, and if I breathe deeply I’ll feel, and I don’t want to feel. She says my mom (who she’s met) does the same thing. That may be true. I am not disputing her version of the facts.
So, on to the test.
I was supposed to leave work at 2:50 to get to my 3:15 appointment in time. But at 2:30 my boss asked me to print out 10 copies each of 2 multi-page color documents, and the #@$%& printer kept jamming, and at 2:45 was no where near done. I didn’t leave until 2:55. I thought I would still make it; I had looked up the address on yahoo maps and was reasonably sure I knew where it was. So I’m cruising down Main St, looking for #80 on the left, and there it is…but it’s a private house because I’m not on Main anymore, Main St has ended. So I turn around and look again, but Main doesn’t go down to 80. So I dig out the phone number and call. Turns out the place is on SOUTH MAIN, not MAIN, and it’s blocks away from where I am.
I find my way there, totally embarrassed (then again, their person told me the wrong address when I called!). They call me in and take my blood pressure (which the nurse got on the first try—usually they try both upper arms and forearms and give up, even though the reading is always 130/80. This lady got something very close to that.). She could not take my temperature. Often there is something strange about my medical tests—no pulse, no blood pressure, making me worry that I’m not human. (Well, I KNOW I’m not human, but I don’t want the government to find out!)
The doctor had an emergency and took a while to get to me and was interrupted several times by pages during our consult. The good news is that the scale there agreed with the scale weight at home-it was 3# higher, and I was wearing shoes and clothes so that’s about right. If that doctor’s scale agrees with the bariatic surgery’s scale I’ve lost my 14#. (25# since November, actually.)
So she measured my neck and looked down my throat and said I have the signs of apnea. (She also asked me a lot of questions.) Bully for me. I guess the point is that after the surgery, if my airway collapses, they have to know the correct pressure to re-inflate it, and that has to be pre-determined by a sleep test.
So I am waiting to be called for this test. I’ll have to sleep in the hospital for a night hooked up to wires and machines. Should be just as fun as the barium swallow.