Monday, January 31, 2005

How I Feel About My Weight (homework)

It is always there, I cannot escape it, I cannot avoid it, I cannot hide it. I have on a suit that weighs as much as my husband. It has no zipper. I know there’s a way out of it but I can’t see it, or I can’t reach it.
It slows me down. It keeps me from doing things I’d like to do. Yes, sometimes it’s a convenient excuse but most of the time it’s annoying. I want to learn to scuba dive, but I won’t be able to rent gear in my size, so every time I go I’ll have to bring all my own gear, and if I lose weight that will be money lost.
And it would be its own trap, “I just spent all this money on gear and if I lose weight it won’t fit anymore.”
People look at me when I go out in public. I know others reassure me and say it isn’t so, but I look at people so I know others are looking at me. Children say rude things to me and their parents don’t apologize or correct them.
Doctors blame things on my weight. When I fell down (there was a hole in the parking lot), the doctor said, “If you weren’t so fat you wouldn’t have fallen down.”
But on the other hand, I am clearly not fat enough to get the bariatic surgery, or I wouldn’t be going through all this bullshit with the shrink.
I hate going into new restaurants and looking to see if I will fit in the booths or if they have chairs and tables instead. I hate taking the long way in the parking lot because I might not fit between the parked cars. I hate it when I have to ask my husband to move the car because I can’t get out/in because the other car is too close.
I hate having to be obsessed with food. I can’t just eat, oh no, because mindless eating is bad. So instead I focus on eating, pay attention to it. Is that really where I want my intention to be? It’s a mixed message.
I feel like I’m living in a hole, which isn’t in the ground, but is buried in adipose tissue. I can’t climb out. I am too tired and too weak. I can only exert myself for a few minutes at a time and that doesn’t seem to increase. I met a person online who is “so fat” (needs to lose 25 lbs) and she couldn’t understand when I said “I can’t exercise” –yeah I can walk to the end of the street and back and then I
practically have to take a nap. Other people around me mean well but they just don’t get it. They offer to walk with me, not understanding that it takes longer to put on shoes and mittens and get ready to walk than it does for me to get tired and have to turn around. A yoga instructor I know says she can modify postures for any level of fitness.
Does she not understand that there’s some ways an overweight body cannot bend? When I bend over, I am stopped by the extra flesh around my waist and hips from bending anymore. It’s in the way. There are places I can’t reach. My body is shaped differently. Because my butt sticks out so far, I can’t lay flat on my back. My spine is forced into an unnatural curve which causes low-level lower back pain (2-3 on a scale of 1-10) and any pain slows me down and impedes me even more. Because my stomach & breasts are so large, I can’t lay flat on my belly either. My poor spine is forced into an even bigger arc. And of course, if you lay on your right side after eating, you get acid reflux—if you lay on your left side the acid
can’t drain back into your esophagus. But if you’re overweight, lying on your left side puts pressure on your heart—all that body weight pressing down on it. So I can’t lie on my front, back or either side. I roll from one posture to another, waking up every time, trying to maximize sleep time and minimize pain.
I’m not sure this sums up how I feel about my weight. I feel constrained. I don’t like it. I don’t understand it. I don’t want it around. I want to be free.
I want to be able to move and breathe freely. I feel punished and smothered and unhappy.


Saturday night I had that stomach thing again, where it feels like my stomach is full of concrete. I couldn't sleep it hurt so bad, so at 2 a.m. I went downstairs to lay on the couch and talk myself into throwing up. At around 4 I started throwing up but I didn't poop so it didn't fully abate. I spent most of yesterday on the couch in a daze, neither awake nor asleep. I did go with my husband, over his objections, to help him pick out new boots. Every time he braked, speed up, turned a corner, my concrete-filled stomach would shift and cause me pain.
I had to postpone the class that I was supposed to teach last night.
I couldn't even breathe properly. Last week I was doing pranic breathing--12 count in, 12 count out-- yesterday I could only do 3 counts. I couldn't push my diaphragm down and expand my abdomen. All day Sunday, all I ate were some ginger ale and four crackers. I'm not hungry but I know I'm dehydrated again. I feel like someone beat my lower back and abdomen with a board. I went to work because staying home and laying around won't make me feel any better. In fact I can see that doing so is the first step down the road to "I can't get out of bed, feed me 12 chickens."
Have I already mentioned that woman who DIED stuck to her couch? I will not become her.
(“I won’t be come the thing I hate”—a line from a Stabbing Westward song, forget which album it’s on.)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Drama & Scarcity

My friends are accusing me of being dramatic and overstaing what's actually going on with the surgery. How can I overstate being denied? Maybe it's temporary, yeah, but denied is denied.
I've tried to do the watcher thing, the silent observers, but I can't get any distance to see if I am
being dramatic. i suspect there's a little drama. but there's also a lot of being pissed off. I talked to the shrink today and she said there's no line I have to cross to get to where I need to be, but she still feels I need to add more new foods and overcome any addictions. Hello if I could overcome my food addictions I wouldn't need the surgery.
I got my w2 from work and I only made $2,000 last year. That is just pathetic and doesn't help my feelings of unworthiness. I used to make more than that in a month. I enter the information from all the surveys and so many people check off the $75-125K a year box for household income and I think, "we used to be there." I don't feel greedy for the next box ($125k+). But I hate the box we're at: under 40K. So much anger, frustration, all boiling up.
It's real, because it's mine. I have to figure out what to do with it.

what the psychiatrist says

I feel like shit. Not physically, emotionally. I'm slipping in all sorts of old patterning that I thought I had escaped. I just called the shrink (I remembered her name & number were in the calednar of my PDA from our appointment) who rejected me and left a message asking what exactly she wants me to do.
I feel like I'm slipping away from everyone again. i hate it when this happens. I thought I was good this winter, that the SAD hadn't gotten me, but maybe it just waited an extra month to pounce on me and suck out all the joy from my existance.
When the psychiatrist called me back she said I just have to keep doing more of the same, working on the addiction component of my eating, trying new foods.
And there's no magic line I have to cross to say I'm there. So how do I know? Is this like enlightenment, a process/journey rather than a destination? if that's so, who is she to say I'm not there? Do I have to add three new foods to my menu, or five, or twenty five? Do I have to understand my addiction or totally beat it? It seems to me that if I could do this shit
I am so frustrated. I feel so alone.


I was going to title this "unreasonable feelings" but I'm entitled to feel what I feel, right?
For the last few days I've felt so sad. I feel like my face is drooping with sadness; if I was an artist I'd draw myself with all vertical lines, weighted at the bottom. Sunday night i was even thinking about killing myself. I wouldn't do it because who would take care of my pets?
I just don't feel like I'm contributing to society. My job doesn't add anything to the world. My book is written, i'm not needed there anymore. I am just a consumer; I eat and use up resources and I don't even make enough money to support my consumption of things (food, gas, oil, electricity, etc). I am a burden on my family and by extension on society. I can't even clean my own house.
I think the whole rejection thing set me off. If studies have proven this surgery is the only thing
that will help a person of my size permanently lose weight, and it's being denied to me, than I am a person who doesn't deserve to lose weight. And since if I don't lose weight I will die from being so fat, then by extension I am a person who deserves death.
I know this is just a story, no different from my perception of crustaceans as bottom-feeding
garbage-eating oversized bugs, but I can't find my way out of it. I just want to cry and cry, and i'm at work so I can't.
I was going to call the shrink today but I forgot her name. I know I forgot it on purpose, but without it I can't look up her phone number. More self-sabotague.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

mudra disclaimer

This is from the person who posted all these originally:

Disclaimer:-I am not a medical doctor . I have been trained in yoga 40 years ago. I am sharing ancient Indian wisdom & experience. Those who want to try , shall do so on their own risk and responsibility. In case of emergency, always consult doctor. copyright@d.k.kothari

ya know, CYA....

(cover your ass)

but hey, go for it. Try 'em out!

picture of mudra #3

Sun Mudra for Weight Loss (Mudra #3) Posted by Hello

Weight Loss Mudra #3 Sun/Surya Mudra

SURYA (Sun) MUDRA for weight loss
How to do it: fold ring finger and press thumb on the 2nd part of ring finger. 1st part thumb to cover it (look at picture)
1) increases heat in the body as sun is the giver of energy.
2) increase of heat dissolves the fat stored in body cells
3) improves digestion & reduces obesity due to excess fat
4) all problems of thyroid gland reduces or eliminated
5) sometime due to thyroid , menses abnormalities are caused, which reduces.
6) decreases mental heaviness
7) reduces cholesterol , constipation
8) helpful in diabetes, TB, ASTHAMA
9) balances body.
Works on the principles of burning fat in body cells. Not to be done by weak people
15 minutes per day, when weight is loss than 5 minutes per day

Picture of Mudra #2

Shankh Mudra for Weight Loss (Mudra #2) Posted by Hello

Mudra #2 for Weight Loss (Shankh mudra)

This is the 2nd of three. The picture seems to have uploaded okay for the first one. It's a pain to have to upload pictures in separate posts, I like to illustrate what I write. Oh well.
Shankh Mudra
How to do (very confusing, look at picture): all fingers of right hand encircle the thumb of left hand. All fingers of left hand are put on the Right hands fingers. Right hand thumb touches index finer of left hand. Other fingers of Left hand slightly press the fingers of right hand
this effects thyroid & 3rd chakra (stomach)
1) speech becomes better – good for singers, reduces stammering
2) diseases relating to throat, tonsils & thyroid are removed
3) digestion improves, reduces constipation
4) diseases relating to intensitines are cured.
5) stomach problems are reduced sizeably
6) ladies disorders, menses problems, piles, navel pain,
7) allergies due to smoke, dust are removed.
8) 72000 nerves originate from navel which are benefited.
15 minutes x3 per day
Copyright @ d.k.kothari

Photo of Mudra #1

Mudra #1 for Weight Loss (Apan Mudra) Posted by Hello

Weight Loss Mudra #1 (Apan Mudra)

I got these from
the new Holistic Healing Yahoo group
. The guy who runs it is really cool, I can't believe he gives away all this information!
I suck at links so not sure if the pictures will come up.
APAN MUDRA for toxins
Pose: Press tip of thumb to tips of middle and ring fingers
1) Very Good For Liver & Gall Bladder
2) Helps To Remove Waste Materials Specially Toxins And Cures Urinary Problems, removes constipation., stomach gas problem, reduces piles problem
3) helpful in reducing diabetes & obesity
4) Balancing Effect On The Mind Which Is Due To Well Functioning Liver
5) Improves Self Confidence, Patience, Serenity & Inner Harmony
6) Eases difficulty in labour & delivery, ladies diseases, menses
7) reduces problems of teeth
8) works as a weight loss mudra by eliminating waste material stored in body.
9) headaches, migraines, navel pain, anus nerve pain, vomiting, acidity
10) burning sensation in hands, feet, heart, urine
11) reduces blood impurities & blood pressures problem
12) helps in setting of navel to the right place.
Remarks:Those Having Stones In Gall Bladder & Kidney May Get Relief. Digestion.
Improvements Are There. Pregnant ladies may find it useful for smooth delivery
Also very useful for weight loss when done with sun mudra
15 minutes x 3 per day

No Spiritual Guidance for Rosie :(

This (insert swearword of your choice) blizzard didn't allow me to attend my spiritual retreat. There was just no way I could drive almost 2 hours each way both Saturday and Sunday. :(
There are no words for how sad I am.
I really, really needed to be in that energy. I feel so disconnected and alone.
The snow outside is pretty. The wind is whipping it into a beautiful aerial dance. I am trying to enjoy it for its own sake and not hate it for keeping me from a goal.
I have been given a gift of time this weekend. Better not to squander it being pissed off at something I can't change.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

"sadness, silence, white & grey"

(The title is line from "Torture" by Berlin)
I just feel really depressed and sad and down.
Who would have guessed after everything I'd done that it would be the psych exam that failed me?
How did I get by the dietician with all my "issues"?
Why isn't the universe supporting me in other ways if it doesn't want me to have the surgery?
I did lose 5# last week, but that's the first weight I've lost in 3 weeks. That makes 7 or 8# toward the 14# I was assigned (and about 17# since November). Should I even keep trying?
I hate being a quitter. But pounding my head against a door that won't open is even worse.
I am spending the weekend at a spiritual retreat. Hopefully I can get some guidance, whether from within or without, I don't care.
(I emailed this post 3 days ago, but it never made it online. The email thing doesn't seem too reliable. They bounce a lot too.)

Wednesday, January 19, 2005


Remember that song from the early 80's by The Firm "Radioactive" (I love that song) well that's me today.

Although my surgery probably isn't happening, they told me not to cancel any tests. So today I got up absurdly early to truck up to the hospital for a barium swallow.

It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. (That's what I get for expending useless energy on worry!) The worst part was putting on the johnnie. The first one they gave me, which had 3 arms, did not fit. It was more like a straitjacket. The nurse kindly found me an open-butt one and tied it all up in the back for me.

First I had to eat a cup of powder. It tasted like Sweettarts and felt like poprocks. Then I had to wash that down with a small cup of water. This was to expand my stomach.

Then I had to gulp down this thick chalky stuff. It didn't taste too horrible but the consistancy was all grainy and nasty. After that I felt like I was going to throw up. They wouldn't let me, and I couldn't belch either.

I got to see my stomach on a monitor and say hi to it. It was actually kinda cool. I feel closer to it now.

Then I had to drink this thin stuff through a straw while lying down. I really thought I was going to puke after that--my stomach was roiling and very unhappy despite the fact that I'd just seen it for the first time and greeted it with such joy.

I didn't puke but I did start to belch. They said that was okay at that point. The younger nurse, who helped me find clothes to fit, told me she had assisted at a few of my doctor's surgeries and how awesome he was, and how her friend had the surgery and how great her friend looked and how happy she was. That didn't make me feel better because I don't feel like I'm going to get approved anymore. And I guess I just want to be miserable for a while. As long as I recognize that it's MY CHOICE to whine, and stay conscious of that fact, it will be okay.

I did ask if I have radioactive breath now. I wanted to go out and breathe on a grasshopper and then have it grow to be 40 feet tall and eat Tokyo. Well, Tokyo is kinda far away-how about Hartford?

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

For anonymous commenters.....

Sometimes I feel like answering you. I'm not going to spam you or sell your address. Please, tell me who you are. Talk to me, not at me.


I'm writing this directly onto the blog so no way to spell check, sorry.
Yesterday I had an intesting session with my therapist wherein we found a negative entity in my hip area which was sticky, and had all sort of unwanted stuff stuck to it (and therefore to me) . It took almost two hours to clear that entity away. I should not say "negative" because at one time, I invited it in and it did help me. But it wasn't helping anymore. And now it's gone. The center of my being, my dan-tien, feels very hollow and strange.
In passing she mentioned that the weight-loss shrink had called her and said she (weight loss shrink) thought I had too many food issues to have the surgery, and that the doctor also lied to me about when I could get the surgery-not March as he said, but months and months and months down the road.
The weight loss shrink just called me and said basically she's vetoed my surgery "for now" because I have too many food problems and "maybe" "in a few months" she'll reconsider me.
What the fuck?
Of course I have fucking food issues, I'm a big fat person. If I didn't have food issues I'd be skinny and not writing this blog about being fat.
God damn it. If the fucking universe isn't going to support me why should I even bother? I'll just stay fat and die. Who cares?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

quiero agua

I had (have) all kinds of unreasonable fears about my surgery. One of the biggest, and stupidest, fears was giving up soda. I know from reading about Huna (Hawaiian spirituality) that the beliefs you argue about most passionately are the mostly lightly entrenched in your mind-that's why you have to fight so hard to keep them. The things you just "know" with your heard you don't even have to discuss, much less fight about! I didn't fight about having to take a daily walk. But I fought giving up my 2 liter bottle of caffeine-free Diet Pepsi every day.
And then I just did it. I went to Chili's and orderd a bottle of water. And I kept doing it. Only rarely do I have my once-beloved CFDP and you know what? It smells horrid and tastes worse. That little "zing" from the acid that I used to enjoy I just hate now.
People say "oh my god you must pee like crazy." not really. No more than usual. I went from 64 oz of soda to the same amount of water. But now I'm being HYDRATED, where I wasn't being properly hydrated before.
It sounds unbelievable, but I was in tears in therapy over the SUGGESTION that my Pepsi must go bye-bye. So you're thinking, wow, this chick was really addicted. But I wasn't. Not if I could just give it up. It was all just some kind of mind-fuck that I'm still working through. Sometimes I want it, and when I have it, it's awful, and every time that happens it's longer until I want it again.
I look at it as a triumph. If I could give up my Pepsi that I loved so much, with barely a whimper (well, once I actually did it--before hand there was much wimpering and whining) THEN I CAN DO ANYTHING.