Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Seat Belts

I hate seatbelts. I hate being confined. It's not exactly claustrophobia, but something like it. (I also hate wearing a coat if I'’ve got a sweater on (—I feel like I'’m in a straitjacket.)
I hate it that I have to pull the seatbelt to its limit to strap it on and choke myself. I hate it when the seatbelt doesn'’t fit (Chevy Malibu, Chevy S10 truck… see a trend there?). I hate asking for the extension on the plane. (Some attendants are nice about it, others are real bitches. Of course, they all weigh less than 120, what would they know about a seatbelt extension?)
And I HATE the way the seatbelt doesn'’t fall naturally across my round torso. It slides and ends up against my neck, choking me. I have to drive or ride with one hand on the belt, holding it away from my neck so it doesn'’t stop the blood flow to my brain.
And nothing is worse than those automatic ones that slide back and imprison innocent passengers.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Pregnant Women are Wimps

I’ve been getting up early to walk in the morning. (It’s been cold, very cold, and fucking cold on various days). After about 2 blocks my back starts to hurt a little. That made me think about pregnant women and how they whine about how fat they are, when they’ve gained only 20 or 30 pounds, and how much their backs hurt, and how they can barely walk, yaddah yaddah.
Bunch of wimps. Let them carry around 200 extra pounds, see how their ankles and backs feel then.

Drinking Water

I found out the figure of 108 oz a day is bullshit. It never made any sense to me. If I have to stop drinkin 30 minutes before I eat and not drink again for 90 minutes after I eat, assuming it takes 30 minutes to eat, that's 3-4 blocks of TWO AND A HALF HOURS a day when I can't drink. That comes out to 8 hours. I'm barely awake for 12.
Let's figure it out together, shall we?
Breakfast: 7:00-7:30
Drink 9:00-11:30
Lunch 12:00-12:30
Drink 2:00-5:00
Dinner 5:30
Drink 7:00-10:00
Go to bed.
Somewhere in there, I'm supposed to have a snack too. (with the same restrictions on water around it). Supposed to eat every 4 hours.
My intake of water should be around 60 oz, or 3 bottles of Aquafina. So each drink period I have to suck down a whole bottle of water, and I'm a person who only drinks with food. I am never "thirsty"--until now. I am absolutely freaking out over not being able to drink with my food but I'm afraid if I call and say that they'll give a bad reccomendation and I won't get the surgery. Fear sucks.

Losing Weight Before Surgery

So if I'm going to have surgery to lose weight, why should I lose some now?
If I could lose weight, wouldn't I just lose it and not have to have life-threatening surgery?
My doctor makes everyone lose a little weight, just to prove you can follow directions. PLUS one person went on a binge and gained 30# before surgery and ended up really sick after the surgery. Another girl went on a hot fudge sundae binge night before and her liver was so swollen he couldn't do the surgery. It's best to stop eating now, and get the stomach calmed down. Plus I need to lose the "habit" of eating. That takes six weeks (to make or break any habit.)

Bariatic Surgery Thoughts: Is This Going Fast?

My friends think I'’m speeding through this process, but I met my other friend when she had her lap-band done 2 years ago, and I tried to get in touch with her doctor for over a year and couldn't even get a call back. I gave up in Spring 2004 when they told me that the list I was supposedly on had been abolished and everyone had been called months before. (I got on the
list in spring of 2003, my friend'’s surgery was fall 2002.) They were supposed to call me to go to an informational meeting and never did. When I was “on” the list, I had called once to see what my status was and gotten screamed at "“If we said you'’re on the list you're on the list and we'’ll call you, stop calling us, we'’re too busy." ” Nice. Makes me kind of glad I'’m not using that doctor. Although my friend'’s had no trouble with the office staff, she recently admitted another friend of hers had a similar experience to mine and gave up trying to get an appointment.
Then this summer I found this other doctor through Obesityhelp.com and called him in September and just now got my first appointment. I have a huge checklist of things I have to do (besides lose 14 lbs). I just made appointments for Jan 3d and Feb 1st, and I'm waiting for another doctor to call me.
I'm scared of the IV but the doctor swore they use the tiniest little needle, and he had them put one in him and he couldn't even feel it, and if I'm that scared they'll knock me out another way before they place the IV. It's about 3 days in the hospital. I haven't decided yet if I want visitors. The doctor told a horror story of someone getting a visitor who brought him a Big Mac. (!) How fucking stupid.
So I am hoping, maybe for the spring equinox...that's just over 3 months away...if my insurance doesn't tank on me. If you'’re reading this, send me good insurance energy!
Conclusion: things are finally MOVING but after almost 2 years of waiting..it's like being an overnight success after playing clubs for ten years.


Yesterday I ate at Subway (a place I always hated)--had a small meatball sub & didn't eat the bread.
The diet I'm on until the surgery is 3xper day: 3-4 oz of meat FIRST, then 1/2 cup vegetables, THEN 1/4 cup carbs if I'm not full. Not allowed to drink with meals (which is VERY DIFFICULT, I usually get most of my liquids with my meals, not in between), not a half hour before or an hour afterward.
Animal protein is mandatory; the dietician said you cannot get the protein you need without eating meat. I have to get protein powder to eat too once I have the surgery cuz I'll need lots of protein to heal. She wants me to go back to drinking milk (which makes me puke) so I'm going to try some soy milk and make pudding with it. Then I can put protein powder in the pudding.
Someone brought me a donut at work and I said no. Last night I was going to eat some m&ms and I didn't. Two yays for me!
If I don't lose 14 lbs (on the doctor's scale) he'll cancel the surgery. He cancelled it on a guy who was ONE pound over--the guy had his IV's in and was prepped for surgery.
I'’ve lost 12 pounds since the week before Thanksgiving, but those don'’t count, I have to go by the weight I was at the doctor'’s office. No complaints. Any weight lost is good weight.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Bariatric Vist #1

Yesterday I went to the bariatric surgeon for the first official appointment.
I had a headache because on Sunday night we went to a party at (unnamed restaurant) and I ate something I'm allergic to (usually I ask if I think there'’s a chance this item could be in or near my food, but in this case it made NO SENSE, —but my husband tasted it too, so it was really there.) So I've had a headache and been nauseous (but not puking) since then.
My appointment was at 2:30 yesterday and I got there at 2:20. They didn't take me until after 3:00. There was a woman in the waiting room with two little boys (maybe 2? 3? could walk and talk but seemed small) and they ran around screaming, with that high pitch that cuts right through your head even when you aren't in head pain. I actually went to the receptionist and
asked for aspirin. I didn't care if the mother heard me.
The Doctor took all his notes on a PDA (a man after my heart). He's two years older than me (I asked). He wants my gall bladder out, even though I want to save it. It's an essential organ, isn't it? It's not like an appendix. He did not consider it a silent stone, and would not consider waiting until it was time for a tummy tuck. He said without a symptom-less stone, my chances of needing emergency gallbladder surgery in the 1st year after bariatric surgery were 25% and the
stone doubles that. Oh well, have to manifest $10,000.
I also asked him why he started doing this surgery. Besides the fact that it's obviously very lucrative, he had to have chosen it for a reason. He said that he has a lot of people he cares about who were very overweight and he knew the surgery was important & necessary. He seemed sad when he said it; I wonder if someone he knew died.
Then I had to go see the nutritionalist. I got to see her right away because I had a 3-month food log with me. She didn't even look at it, I guess it only matters that I wrote everything down for 3 months. She mostly talked about the post-surgery diet and that I should follow it now. I guess it's supposed to help me lost the 14 pounds he mandated. She was happy that I am seeing the certified drug & alcohol counselor for food addiction; I think that's why she didn't do too
much with me, because I'm already doing it all —my CDAC is also taking nutritional courses and giving me her handouts.
The Doctor said if the insurance doesn't fuck with me (my words not his) I could have my surgery in 3 months. I have to have some other tests done, he doesn't like it that I get sick from food.
I took a walk this morning. I should have worn a hat because DAMN it was cold. My Weather Channel icon on my computer said it was 20 degrees and felt like 0 when I got to work at 9. It's up to 22 degrees feeling like 10 now.
I got even more papers to keep in my ever-expanding folder, and people I have to call and make
appointments with. The appointment with the diet lady yesterday cost $120 and the insurance doesn't pay. I hope there's not too many more like that. I'm broke enough this month.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Test Results

All my blood work and X-rays and everything was fine (imagine that!) except that I have a "silent stone"-- a symptom-less gall stone. Of course the doctor wants to get out the knife, but I said not until it bothers me. If I end up having the bariatic surgery they can take it out while they're in there. OR If I can hold out until 2 years after the surgery, the gall surgery can justify the insurance paying for a tummy tuck.
That's a savings of $10,000. I think I can wait.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


I had an abdominal ultra-sound this morning--45 minutes of being jelled up like I was an extra in Ghostbusters. Good thing I can hold my breath forever (the girl even complimented me on my lungs, and their capacity’s shot right now from coughing) and can tolerate pain. Also 2 chest x-rays. The x-rays made me feel nauseous, and like there was black all over my aura—I had to manually pull the darkness off, like a sticky film.
It seemed to me that the ultrasound girl found something. She didn't like me looking at the screen and asking questions. And at the end, when I asked if she found anything, she got really evasive.
Whatever it is, it's for my highest good.