Monday, March 31, 2014

new account

The email address on every post previous to this is incorrect due to Yahoo's stupidity. They are supposed to wait 90 days to recycle an account (their word for deleting it) and they deleted mine after approximately thirty days. If you need to reach me, it's now ITSAFATLIFEBLOG at YAHOO dot COM. Sorry.

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Saturday, March 08, 2014

double dose

Today, 2 weeks late (or maybe 3), I've finally started taking 2 Effexors. I took the 2 at lunch time, while out with friends. Just after they left my house, I started feeling very strange. I felt like I couldn't hear--my ears feel all clogged.  I was dizzy. I felt sick to my stomach. Smells are really intense. I feel dizzy, woozy. And tomorrow I have to drive about 50 miles to a wake. I'm hoping my husband will drive, even if he stays in the car. It's not a death I can skip; I know the deceased and the family. My hands aren't shaking yet but I feel like they are going to.
Basically I feel like I'm right on the edge of something.
But I'm not experiencing that intense tiredness yet.  So we'll see how it goes.  Seeing the doctor on Friday.
As far as them working on depression...I don't feel SAD precisely, just very unmotivated.  My eyes feel sad, if that makes any sense, but the rest of me doesn't.  I just don't feel like doing anything, work-wise.   And I have a ton of stuff to do.

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Friday, February 28, 2014

Stop telling me to eat!

It's going on two weeks that I've been on a real low dose of Effexor.  It makes me jittery and exhausted.  That's annoying.  It also has made me lose interest in food.  That's a bonus.  I'm going to ride out that side effect as long as I can.  I'm a big fat ass and anything that helps me lose weight or eat less is a plus.
Anyone who sees me, even from a distance, can see how fat I am.  It's not a secret.  I can't hide it with baggy clothes.
But what are people's reactions to hearing that I'm eating almost nothing due to this pill? "you have to eat!" "you aren't eating three meals a day? Why not?"
I'm not because, frankly, right now I can go without and not feel deprived.  I'm not eating because I'm very very fat and I'm in no danger of starving to death.
But when I say that, everyone is shocked.  I don't get it.  I'm not that type of body dysmorphic.  I know I'm fat.  Did you think I don't know?  Do you not know that I'm fat?
In 2012 when I went for medical weight loss everyone praised my willpower when I barely ate on their plan and lost weight (and was desperately unhappy).  Now I'm not eating with no willpower involved and losing weight (and not unhappy) and that's bad?  What am I missing?
I told a friend of mine who was saying I need to eat: when you can see my bones you can tell me to eat. 
When I have a space between my thighs.
When you can see my hip bones through my clothes.
When my elbow is bigger than my upper arm.
Then, and not before, you can say, "Rosie, you should eat something."
(posted from smart phone, sorry if errors)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

my 600-lb life James' story (synopsis and review)

This is the episode of TLC's My 600 Lb Life from two weeks ago...I've been so ill with my new anti-depressant I've gotten behind on my reviews.  Sorry.
I've watched how many of these shows...and yet upon seeing the opening to this one, my first thought was "wow, he's big." James Jones is 37 years old and 728 lbs.  He lives in a beautiful rural part of Texas in a house that looks like a modern church; lives with his mom who is overweight but not morbidly obese.  He fell and got stuck against a wall and the fire department had to come and break him out; the wall is still busted. 
He says he weighed about 200 in middle school and close to 300 by age 16.  As an accountant, he sat down all day and gained weight.  After work every day he eats fast food.  (Honestly I don't know how he fits behind the wheel of his car as I weigh less than half what he does and I feel cramped!)  Then he gets home and eats the meal his mom cooked him, plus dessert.  The last time he went to the doctor "a few years ago" he weighed 750 and his mom feels he blames her.  She says they have a family history of obesity; his dad died weighing 450, and he lost his sister six month later to weight-related issues (unspecified; she doesn't really look that large in the photo).  
The over-sized hospital bed belonging to the dad before his death then went to the sister, who died, and then the son moved to it.  It's like a cursed bed of overweight death.  I hope at the end of the episode they burn it or something.
Dr Nowzaradan asks James about his eating habits; he replies "I eat quite a bit and quite often" he admits to eating up to 4 times a day.  The doctor says James is "not going to survive much longer" and gives him the usual "lose 50 lbs" before surgery and surprisingly sends him home, not admitting him to get him to lose weight.
 To lose weight he appears to be eating scrambled eggs (or maybe an omelet) and toast.  To exercise he works out in the yard.  He wants to start a hay business but he can't get into his expensive new tractor.  A grizzled old farmer friend of his seems almost in tears as he says that he has to use a forklift to get James into his tractor and that ain't right and he wants James to be able to get into the tractor by himself in the next year. 
He loses 53 lbs and the doctor is very happy and schedules James' surgery for the next week.  Dr Nowzaradan said James is one of his largest patients ever and that the surgery will be challenging and risky.  James gets both the smaller stomach and the rearranged intestines for his surgery and wakes up in a lot of pain.  He gets up and walks right away, inspired by the fact that a woman he met online came to visit him in the hospital.  She is a former weight loss bypass patient herself.
A month after his surgery, he's lost about 25 more pounds, and is finally able to eat solid food.  His mother vows to feed him less.  He eats, as his first solid meal. a hot dog and beans and I couldn't tell what else was on the plate and gets sick.
He is a little pissed that a friend of his didn't come see him at the hospital or since, and when he questions her she answers that "some people work for a living" and she also seems a little miffed that James has met a new woman.  And then she starts crying.  In a voice over, he says he doesn't want to "keep getting hurt by her."
On his next visit, he is at 580, down 150 pounds in a few months with much hanging skin.  Dr Nowzaradan says when he's lost 200 lbs he can get the extra skin off.
He goes on his first date, ever, with the woman he met online and they seem to have a good time.   He is so happy he goes out for fast food and eats a huge platter of fried food in his car, saying he has "cravings."
Eight months in, he's at 565 lbs, and visits the cemetery to put flowers on his father's and sister's graves; both died in 2011.  He regrets that he wasn't able to help them.  His mother worries that Dr Nowzaradan said James could be there in that cemetery in a year if he doesn't lose weight, and James says if he died too, it would kill his mother.
He joins a gym with a pool very similar to the one I use and does water aerobics as his exercise, and gets down to 542 pounds, and decides to try to get onto his tractor.  A friend helps him get onto a platform and from there onto the tractor.
An unknown amount of time later, James is rushed to the hospital with severe abdominal pain and has to undergo an emergency procedure.  Dr Nowzaradan decides he has to do the skin surgery removal right away as he thinks the extreme weight of the hanging skin pulling on his organs is what is causing all the pain.  
He goes on another date with his new girlfriend, even going dancing, and then goes in for his skin surgery a few days later.  I can only imagine that the skin removal surgery is almost as complex as when they take off a lymphedema mass.  In this case, they take 72 pounds of skin off him. SEVENTY TWO POUNDS.  No wonder his abdomen hurt! 
At the end, he weighs 376 lbs (down 352 lbs in a year; so just about half).  "I feel like I can do just about anything," he says.  He starts house shopping and talking about marriage with his girlfriend.  Seems like a happy ending to me!

image source: TLC

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Sunday, February 16, 2014

what's going on over here?

I started therapy a few weeks ago. It's group therapy. Most of the people in it are way more mentally ill than me. As in, hearing voices, on heavy-duty drugs, unable to drive or work or function. And this is the best group that I can fit in? The therapist who runs it said I have a "fierce intellect" like he has never seen before, that causes me to analyze and over-analyze everything, which is part of my anxiety. I had to go to the group a few times before I could see what they call a "prescriber" which is someone who hawks pills to you.
I spent an hour with this poor woman detailing all my problems. I felt bad for taking up so much of her time. I told her how I lost 9 pets and my dad and 2 jobs in a 2 year period. I detailed my marriage and mother-in-law issues, which are worse than ever. After paying her house taxes, she ran out of savings. Since she spends more every month that she receives, my husband has decided that WE have to pay the overflow. At least $500 a month. Because she won't sell her hoarder house. Meantime the mother is paying two loans that belong to my husband's brother and sister. So basically we'll be paying those loans off. There are no words for how angry I am. His sister "can't afford" to help out with money because she's too busy buying a new bigger house with 8 acres of land (but still no room for her mother of course) and his brother, well I don't even want to get into that. His wife is seriously mentally ill and it seems to be contagious. He was going to come back to CT and live in the house, fix it up, care for the mother, in exchange live rent free. He sent a proposal saying he wants $20k as a gift ("expenses") just to move there, $70k to fix up the house, the house put into his name immediately, plus he wants a full time salary, and his wife gets a part time salary, and no one can say anything about how he spends the $70k to fix up the house. Where all this money is supposed to come from, IDK, but when it was pointed out that his proposal was unreasonable, he and his wife basically lost their minds.
I've been really down lately. Probably my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I get up, go to the pool for 2 hours or so, come home and go back to bed.  Get up, have lunch.  Pretend to work, really just look at lol cats and Cracked and Fark.  Go back to bed.  Repeat.
And I have all sorts of THOUGHTS.  Obsessive, bad, bad thoughts.
I'm in bed all day.  What if tomorrow I don't get up at all....and then I'm down the rabbit hole, into the "I'm gonna weigh 1000 lbs and they'll have to cut me out of the house and take me out in the whale sling."
Or, contamination.  My dishes aren't clean enough.  What if they got washed in the same water as cat dishes and they have cat food on them.  Now I'm pouring Dawn on the dishes directly and scrubbing them under boiling water but they still aren't clean so now I'm eating off paper plates because probably those aren't too contaminated.
The prescriber put me on Effexor (Venlafaxine), to replace the Wellbutrin.  It's got its good and bad points.
Substantial weight loss in patients with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and social phobia have been noted, but the manufacturer does not recommend use as an anorectic either alone or in combination with phentermine or other amphetamine-like drugs. Venlafaxine hydrochloride is in the phenethylamine class of modern chemicals, which includes amphetamine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA), and methamphetamine. 
Well, half good, half bad?  Of course I've takenphentermine and it doesn't work on me for weight loss anymore so I'm not that hopeful.  And not crazy about something related to meth.  I like my teeth.
It could cause me to have a false-positive urine test showing that I'm on PCP.
It could make me depressed and anxious and suicidal, and give me migraines on top of that.  Not sure how that would be an improvement, unless I also start losing a lot of weight...

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