Monday, August 18, 2014

F M L

FML. Seriously. Fuck My Life. On Friday, I got a phone call early. "Hi, this is your mother's oncologist. Do you know what's going on?" Well, since you're an oncologist, I'm guessing my mom has cancer.
Today we had the definitive meeting with said oncologist, who is really very nice. It's got to be a terrible job, to tell people they are going to die a horrible painful death.
 My mom has stage 3/4 (indefinite) ovarian cancer, which has already metastasized into the outer part of her intestines, her uterus, and possibly her liver.  It has spread too much for surgery.  She is going to start chemo in a week.  Possibly the chemo can shrink it enough to have surgery.  Perhaps she might live 3 years.
This is what the Mayo Clinic has to say:
Ovarian cancer often goes undetected until it has spread within the pelvis and abdomen. At this late stage, ovarian cancer is more difficult to treat and is frequently fatal.
I was thinking before that the previous thing her ovaries made was me.  This cancer is my evil murderous sibling.


Follow up on Bible-thumper (see previous 2 posts): 

I wasn't able to go to the next group therapy after I complained about the Bible-thumper. That was the day my mom got her chest CT scan and they found a pulmonary embolism. Which obviously I haven't even mentioned because HEY what's one more thing that can kill my mom?   When the scan found the blood clot in her lung, they would not let us leave until they called her doctor, who had her immediately go to the ER and get admitted.  Probably the fluid in her lungs and the clot were all caused by the cancer.  Regardless, I was in the ER at the time of therapy.
If this week he says one fucking thing about his god to me I am going to walk out of therapy.  If I don't, I'll punch him.  I told my mom that and she said "Don't punch anyone."

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Monday, August 11, 2014

preaching follow up

I did not speak of my own problems at last week's group. I did not want to hear any Bible/Jesus shit from that freak.  If you missed my last post, this guy basically told me that the problems other people are having around me are because I'm a pagan.
At the end of the session, I indicated to the therapist that I wanted to talk to him.  He said, "What's up?"  And there, lurking, was Bible thumper.  I said, "I'd like to talk in private," quite pointedly looking at the Bible guy.  We started walking down the hall.  Bible guy followed.  The therapist asked again what was wrong.  I turned and looked at Bible guy who was still following and said, "it's about him."
Once we were in his office with the door closed, I said how upset I had been at the implication that the problems of my loved ones were caused by my religion.  And the therapist agreed, and said he had gone too far.  I reminded him of the time he told the sad woman that she'd be happy in heaven too.  I said how uncomfortable I am every week that he has to bring the Bible and Jesus and prayer into everyone else's recovery plan.   In fact this week someone suggested to Bible Thumper that he hang a dream catcher above his bed to help with his nightmares.  His face was FROZEN in disapproval.  It was actually kind of awesome to see.  And the therapist read from a book on Buddhism, a passage about non-attachment.  The therapist actually confessed to me that he was worried that (Bible Thumper) would be offended by the Buddhist reading!  But it's okay that Bible Thumper offends me?
The end of the conversation was basically that the therapist hadn't really realized how far Bible Thumper was pushing the envelope with his constant Jesus/Bible/prayer talk.  He agreed with me that it was inappropriate for him to suggest it to anyone else, and that he was going to call him and say he could only talk about Jesus/Bible/prayer in conjunction with his OWN recovery and not anyone else's.
I might not make it to this week's session because I have to go to the hospital with my mom for some tests because they still don't know what's wrong with her.  It might be another week before I find out if the Bible thumping and preaching will stop.
image source

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Thursday, August 07, 2014

what's going on, and pathological proselytizers

This will be a bit off topic as it has nothing to do with weight, but it's what's been going on in my life.
A couple of weeks ago, my best friend found a huge (golf ball sized) lump in her breast. The same day she went to the doctor for it, my other good friend had to take her ex-husband to court because he was threatening to kill her and kidnap their (now grown) children. My mom hadn't been feeling good, and 3 days after all this happened, she went to the doctor and they said she was in congestive heart failure with possible kidney failure.
So it was like bam-bam-bam, all these people around me, possibly going down. Cancer, murder/kidnapping, heart failure. 
Obviously, I was a mess. I know I get too wrapped up in other people's stuff, but possible cancer? My mom could die? My friend's literally insane (schizophrenic) ex-husband telling a judge he was going to "get her" in open court? How can I blithely ignore any of that and go on?
The obvious thing to do was to bring it up in my stress management and coping skills group therapy session. That's what it's for, right?
I told the story basically how I told it here.  And I added the caveat, to go with that day's theme, that my "story" (internal monologue) is that I'm alone.  Having the possibility of losing 3 people who are close to me reinforces that story.
Since it's a coping skills group, the response should be, here's some ways to cope with this issue.  And then everyone discusses my problems for a couple of minutes, and we move onto someone else.
Instead, this guy speaks up.  He is a schizophrenic Bible thumper and, IMHO, doesn't belong in the group.  A few weeks back, I had given my business card to a lady in the group who was interested in buying some Tibetan singing bowls from me.  He asked for one too.  I really didn't want to give him one...but I did.  Now that comes back to haunt me.
Basically, this guy said (not a quote, more of a summing up), "If you believed in God then all these bad things wouldn't be happening around you.  I went to your web site, and you believe in some horrible things, and this is what happens."
To say that I wanted to smack him, to scream at him, doesn't do my feelings justice.
Did you just say that because I'm a pagan, my friend might have cancer, my other friend's ex wants to kill her and hurt their children, and my mom might die?!
Two of the people on that list are (nominally) Christian.  So your precious God would punish other people who believe in him because of my nonbelief?
I am firmly convinced that this guy's pathological need to preach and bring up Jesus and the Bible for every fucking subject is part of his mental disorder.  Some kind of transference of addiction (from drugs and alcohol to JEBUS!).  My insurance company isn't paying for me to go to Bible school, they are paying for me to go to therapy. 
I have a call into the therapist that runs the group. I'm hoping he calls me back before our next session.  I don't even want to talk anymore.  If this ass brings up Jesus or the Bible or being a Christian again in response to someone's problems, I might go off on him.  And you know I'll be the one to get in trouble.  He told a woman who was very sad and has anhedonia (inability to feel joy) that she should have FAITH because when she dies she'll be with JESUS and everything will be good then and nothing now matters.  The therapist did not say anything.  I sat there with my mouth open, thinking, did you just basically tell this person to kill herself to be happy with Jesus?
I wonder if I should say "it's this group that's stressing me out, the one person who can't stop talking about Jesus," at today's session.
image source

Follow up: my friend's lump was full of fluid and most likely a benign cyst. Other friend got a third-party restraining order, meaning if her ex contacts anyone about her, he goes to jail. My mom is still undergoing tests but now they think it's not heart or kidneys but something else.

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Monday, March 31, 2014

new account

The email address on every post previous to this is incorrect due to Yahoo's stupidity. They are supposed to wait 90 days to recycle an account (their word for deleting it) and they deleted mine after approximately thirty days. If you need to reach me, it's now ITSAFATLIFEBLOG at YAHOO dot COM. Sorry.


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Saturday, March 08, 2014

double dose

Today, 2 weeks late (or maybe 3), I've finally started taking 2 Effexors. I took the 2 at lunch time, while out with friends. Just after they left my house, I started feeling very strange. I felt like I couldn't hear--my ears feel all clogged.  I was dizzy. I felt sick to my stomach. Smells are really intense. I feel dizzy, woozy. And tomorrow I have to drive about 50 miles to a wake. I'm hoping my husband will drive, even if he stays in the car. It's not a death I can skip; I know the deceased and the family. My hands aren't shaking yet but I feel like they are going to.
Basically I feel like I'm right on the edge of something.
But I'm not experiencing that intense tiredness yet.  So we'll see how it goes.  Seeing the doctor on Friday.
As far as them working on depression...I don't feel SAD precisely, just very unmotivated.  My eyes feel sad, if that makes any sense, but the rest of me doesn't.  I just don't feel like doing anything, work-wise.   And I have a ton of stuff to do.

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