Losing weight for vacation, or not

I don't want to be this anymore on the beach. 

I am planning an anniversary trip with my husband. I was showing my mom pictures of the hotel and its beach. 

Her response was "Well maybe now you'll go on a diet and watch what you eat and lose some weight."

You know that's exactly what I was going to do but the way she said it really pisses me off. Am I a moron? Do you think I think I'm actually thin? 

I do hate the word and concept of "diet."   My mom has a way of saying it that really grates on me.  "I thought you were DIETING why are you eating that?  Aren't you DIETING? Aren't you ON A DIET?"  It's the same kind of slur as "sugary drinks" (although I've seen lately in news articles the phrase "fizzy drinks" which someone is also offensive).

I prefer to "change my eating habits" which sounds positive, while "diet" sounds negative painful and awful which it usually is. 

Would I like took be smaller before I go away again? Of course. It's easier to fly the smaller you are, obviously. But I'm not five years old I don't need to be told that I'm fat and need to lose weight. 

Oh my god can you believe that I am fat? I never knew that-- what a revelation. 

Actually I had already decided a few months ago that I want to lose weight to learn to scuba dive. I can learn now--I'm not stupid or incapable and I've conquered my water-driven panic attacks. But at this size, I wouldn't be able to easily rent equipment that would fit so I'd have to buy everything special-order giant-sized to bring with me (and pay to bring that extra bag on the plane every time). And having invested all that money in custom gear to then lose weight would seen like a waste of money because the suit wouldn't fit anymore.  Does that make sense?  It's one thing to buy a bathing suit in a different size, I go through them like kleenex because of the chlorine in the pool.  It's another thing to buy a wet suit which should last me forever as I'll only use it once or twice a year.  Plus the thought of squeezing my flab into a full body skin tight suit...ugh.  There are actually videos online mocking fat women trying to put on wet suits.  No thanks.

(Picture is from a website making fun of fat people so I won't link to it.)

Rosie the Writer

Guess what. I have a published novel.  Email or FB me for the link.  It's not about being fat, but it is very funny.  Available in print, Kindle, and Nook formats.

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Pod Person Stalker Update (off topic)

The Pod Person saga (detailed in my last post) has finally come to an end, I believe.
I related how T, my transgendered female friend who used to be A, my husband's male friend, was stalking me and using me and threatening me.  As well as friending all my closest friends on FB.
I blocked her from seeing any of my posts except for public ones.  She started to comment on anything my FRIENDS posted on my wall, or vice versa, since there's no way to block someone from seeing those without unfriending them.  One day last week I screwed up and all my posts from my phone were "friends only" instead of "friends minus this person" and BAM--like, LOL, like, like, LOL on every single post.  I wanted to slam my head into a wall.
She invited me and my husband via Facebook to all 3 days of the wedding.  We declined all of them.  She texted me "the wedding's coming up, are you coming?"  I just sat there and stared at my phone in disbelief.  What is the POINT of making FB events if you are going to ignore people's responses there? 
I had already explained in a non-blocked post on FB that my husband is in the middle of a huge project (and if it fails, his whole department could get fired!) and he's on call 24/7 and his boss actually told him "You no longer have a personal life until this is finished." 
After a pause to take a breath, I reiterated that via text message.  Half a second later, "so you are coming by yourself?"  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS!  TAKE A HINT ALREADY.  "No." 
Still, T did not go away.
Friday night was day 1 of the wedding.  My husband came upstairs and said that he got a text from some friends and he was going to the bar around the corner for an hour because he was caught up at work.  I warned him that it was day 1 of the wedding and that's really what he was invited to, the pre-wedding party.  He said, "We're not going to the wedding right?" and I said no. And I finally told him about the stalking and the threats and the using.  He didn't seem surprised at all, he wasn't upset, he didn't say "give her another chance."  
When he got to the bar, he sent me a text saying that it was just a few of his friends, no T, and as long as work didn't call he was going to stay for a few hours and hang out with them.  Shortly after that, he texted me "the wedding party is here, I'm coming home" and he did.  He said he stayed with his little group mostly and didn't talk to T. 
The next day, the actual wedding, for some reason all T's posts were coming through on FB even though I have her set to show nothing (everything's unchecked), raving about the wedding.   I said nothing.  The corner of my screen said that T got married.  I did not send a message.
Yesterday, day 3 of the wedding, I logged onto Facebook and saw the message "You have been unfriended by T."  (I use Social Fixer, it's a great add-on that, among other things, tracks who unfriends you.)
And I felt a great sigh of relief, although it didn't have to come to that.  When I told her I was upset by the drink in my face comment and the lack of payment and that I needed space, she could have given me space, space in which to decide if I actually like her.  Instead she pursued me mercilessly and in a creepy fashion and now I am done with her forever.

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Being Stalked by Pod People (off topic) (rant)

I'm in a difficult situation right now.  It's making me feel very sad and very frustrated.
One of my long-time friends is a pod person.
Now you know the old horror-movie cliche where some kind of alien/monster grows an exact replacement of someone (often in some type of pod) and then that pod-grown person takes the original person's place.  There's always that one character who knows something is wrong but no one believes her.
I know I sound like a crazy person but I'm trying to make an analogy here.
Here's another one.
I had a friend, a very good friend that I cared about.  My friend has essentially been murdered and I am being forced to be friends with his murderer, who has taken his place.
I miss my friend who is gone forever.  I don't like his pod replacement.  I tried to like his pod replacement but that person is just not very nice.  And finally I had to say, "Pod person who used to be my dead friend, I don't want to hang out with you. I'm sorry."
And that makes me an evil person I suppose.  A prejudiced horrible mean person.  (Not the first time I've been called bad things, and won't be the last.)
Now I want you to take a moment to think about the situation as I described it and think about if I am mean to say, "you aren't the friend I remember and I don't want to be your friend anymore."
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Now I will tell the story again.
One of my husband's best friends, who is also a good friend to me, has decided to become a woman.  My husband isn't happy with hanging out with a guy in drag so I've inherited the friendship.
I really got along well with the male version of this person.  For the sake of that friendship, I gave the new her a chance.  I gave her my old clothes. I showed her how to wear make-up.  I did her nails. I glared at people who gave her dirty looks or sniggered at her.  (She doesn't look like a woman, she looks like a hockey player wearing make-up & a dress, which is what she essentially is.)  In other words, I tried really hard. 
I sent her make-up tips I found on Pinterest, I went shoe shopping with her, I did girly stuff that I don't even do and I'm a girl.  I used her new name even when she wasn't there (although I often had to add "formerly known as A" when people didn't know who I was talking about).
Some back story.  This is a chronically unemployed person, living off his/her girlfriend (girlfriend is conveniently bisexual).  They have no car.   When she first came out last year as transgender and I told my husband I was going to be supportive, he warned me, "Don't get sucked into being her chauffeur if you're going to hang out with her."
This was our relationship:  I gave her old clothes, extra make-up, did her nails, picked her up, drove her around, dropped her off.  We'd go out to eat and she'd "discover" she didn't have enough money (or any money or her credit card would get declined) and I'd get stuck paying.  Even when she had a job and I did not, I had to pay.   She'd ask me, "while we're out," can I drive her to all her errands.  I don't mind hitting the grocery store once in a while with someone (I can always find something to buy) but a lot of these errands weren't of any interest or relevance to me.  And remember I just paid for lunch in many of these situations.  She'd ask me to drive her 30 miles (one way) or more!  Never a penny for gas money.  One day she had a coupon for a free dessert and let me share the dessert with her and thought that was really generous of her.
Then she started, for lack of a better word, cyber stalking me.  I use the app called FourSquare because I can get free food for "checking in" at restaurants.  She started using the app too and friended me (which is fine, that's what it's for).   Every time I checked into a restaurant she'd either make a comment through FourSquare or immediately text me, usually to complain that I hadn't brought her along.  It started to get really creepy. 
If someone tagged me on Facebook as being with them somewhere she'd make a snide comment to the point where I didn't want anyone tagging me as being anywhere and I started to hide my foursquare check-ins or not checking in if I wasn't getting something free.  
She doesn't understand that as a writer, I often go to restaurants during slow times and I write or do research. 
"Why can't I come along?"   
Well, then I would have to talk to you and that defeats the purpose of my WORKING LUNCH.  
Or if I had lunch with my friend I'm in the middle of a major project with, she'd be like, "oh I could have come too."   
No you can't, you have nothing to contribute to this project and that's what we talk about while we eat.
She also commented on EVERY SINGLE THING I post on Facebook and also liked it.  I posted about something bad happening and she liked that status. I commented, "really, you like that this happened?" and she put "lol"--my mom had to go the hospital and you are laughing out loud and liking it?  
She was constantly texting me and sending me FB private messages about going out to eat and whatnot.  The more she did this, the less I wanted to go out with her.  I started simply not answering her.  She moved from "close friend" to "friend" to "acquaintance" on Facebook over a couple of months.  (She must have me as close friend because she likes and comments within seconds of any of my posts.) 
She sent friend requests on FB to all my best friends.  She is getting married next month (as a man, even though gay marriage is legal in CT) and she invited all my friends to her before-wedding party, her wedding, and her after-wedding party.  Yes, she has no money (no job again) and is having a 3 day wedding.  My friends all think it's super creepy they got invited.  Most of them met her briefly as a man at parties but didn't really talk to him (pronouns get really confusing, more on THAT below).
Also people started to notice that she commented on and liked every one of my statuses.  Creepy and stalker are words that get used a lot.  One friend started to send me a PM every time T (for lack of a better name) commented on my status ("Stalker alert!").
Last month, she was harassing me about going out to lunch.  She wanted to go to a certain restaurant on a certain day.  My husband doesn't like that restaurant and it was his work-from-home day and I always have lunch with him on that day, if he doesn't have a meeting.  I explained that, nicely.  (My husband is gone about 14 hours a day and when he is home at night and weekend, he is often working. I don't spend much time with him but I don't complain because he makes good money.)  T's response, "tell him to come with us!"
(It would be mean of me to say "my husband doesn't want to hang out with a man in drag" which is true and terrible but it's a guy thing and I understand.  Plus my hubby really doesn't like that restaurant!)
(Also, over the same period of time, my husband slowly stopped going out with his friends on Friday night, a group of friends that T's part of.  I never talked to my husband about the T issue but thought it interesting that he pulled away too.)
The day in question came and my husband ended up having a meeting at lunchtime.  So I sighed and sent T a text message.  She responded immediately that she was out with a friend and they'd meet me there.  Huh?  Why didn't she just go with that friend to begin with?
When I was en route to the restaurant my phone was chiming with text after text.  I got there and looked at my phone and it's full of instructions.  Sit here, order us this, blah blah blah.
T came in with her friend, an older guy that I didn't know.  He ended up being a real jerk, saying racist things about President Obama and basically taking over the conversation.  I didn't like him.  Partway through the meal I slipped up and called T "he." I've done it before (20 years of habit can't be erased in a few months) and apologized and moved on and it's been no big deal.  This time, T got really pissed.  She picked up her glass and aimed it at me and said "If you call me 'he' again I'm going to throw my drink in your face."
I basically just stopped talking after that.  I was angry.  The bill came.  The obnoxious friend said to T, "I'll get your meal" and threw down $20 and they left.  The $20 did not cover their meals, which were $8 each plus sodas plus tax and tip.  When I got home I sent a message to T saying "your friend short paid for lunch by a lot, I don't appreciate being stuck with the bill for someone I don't even know."  She wrote back her trademark "lol" to which I responded, "I don't think it's funny, why is it funny?"  No answer.
Combined with the drink thing, I was done with her.  That's when she got moved on FB from "friend" to "acquaintance."  I simply stopped responding to any of her posts.  When she asked about lunch, I made an excuse.   When I was leaving for a birthday weekend away with my husband, she sent me a message "when you get back you have to make my jewelry for my wedding." Not a request, but an order.
I talked about the situation with friends.  My best friend is a bisexual woman.  Another close friend is a gay man.   I talked to both of them, along with another close friend who is a psychologist.  My worry is that in rejecting T's friendship it's going to come across as "you don't like me because I'm transgendered" when it's really "I don't like you because you're a user and you're stalking me."
These 3 people have been FB friended by T and noticed the stalking and think it's creepy and realize that I'm not exaggerating.
My old friend is dead, the man who hung out with my husband and me.  Yes once in a while I did give that friend a ride, but he used to buy me bottles of alcohol in return.  Never once did we pay for his meal when we went out.  I don't understand what happened.
Basically my 3 friends all gave the same advice.  Keep ignoring her, or have it out with her.  I took Road A.  It lasted about a month.
Last week I was trying to win a prize from a restaurant and it involved making a public post on Facebook about the restaurant with a link.  To me, it was clearly an ad (everyone else who saw it knew it was for a contest instantly).  Seconds later, PM:  "can I tag along?"  I think I might have yelled a bit, alone in my house.  I played dumb:  "tag along where?"  "to [restaurant].  I have errands to run."  Meaning, you need to drive me on those errands. 
I responded that I was really busy and I had no idea what I was doing for lunch or if I was even having lunch and that post was for a contest not declaring an intent to go there immediately.  In reality, I didn't think what I was doing was going to finish until mid-afternoon.   Everything went smoothly and I finished early.  I had other things to do and I wanted to eat quickly and locally so I decided to go to that restaurant after all. 
Less than a minute after I checked in on Foursquare, she texted me "are you mad at me? why didn't you bring me?"  
Time for Road B.
I texted back explaining that I'm not comfortable around someone who at any moment might throw a drink into my face for not liking something I said.  She denied that it ever happened.  Then my phone rang--she was calling, knowing I was in the middle of lunch. I put it to voice mail.  She denied the drink throwing threat again via text.  I reminded her that it was the same day as her friend didn't pay the full amount for lunch.  She magically remembered but denied meaning it.  (It was not a joke, trust me.)   I said the whole situation made me uncomfortable, I didn't want to have to watch my language, I was tired of paying, and I was taking a break from her for while.   During this texting, she was calling me constantly and texting "call me!" over and over.  I finally stopped texting and put the phone on vibrate and put it in my bag.
On the way home I was scared that she would be at my house waiting for me (she lives nearby) but she wasn't.
I retalked to my 3 friends and let them read the texts.  My gay friend thought I was too mean.  The two women both agreed it was about time.
T redoubled her stalking on FB and Foursquare.  Finally I made a FB group that's just her and her girlfriend and now I hide all my statuses from them (except the public ones--I have quite a few followers so I try to post some public stuff every day for them).  She started posting all these "friends are important don't throw them away" pictures on my wall.  (My friend was PMing me "STALKER!  STALKER!" every time a new picture appeared.)   My gay male friend now says I wasn't mean enough.  In fact all 3 of them are saying, "Unfriend her on Facebook and block her." 
I found a setting on my new phone where select contacts can be sent straight to voice mail and activated it for T. 
If I had just met T as a new friend, I wouldn't have stayed friends with her.   Basically she is a new friend.  My old friend is dead.  She's doing the 24/7 for a year living as a woman thing (part of the transition between genders) and he is gone forever.   The funny thing is, I always knew he liked to wear girl's clothes and that he wore women's underwear under his man clothes and he took estrogen pills and I didn't care.  I was surprised that he decided to tell everyone last fall, and rather startled that it wasn't just "hey I like to wear women's clothes" but "hey I'm a woman now and this is my new name and don't ever call me A again."  And I did try, honestly I tried so hard for six month to be supportive of my new transgendered friend, but just as honestly, she isn't a nice person.  Every status on FB is about GLBT rights (which I am all for, and I post those kind of things once in a while, but not every day or every post) and "read my blog about being transgendered," the in-person conversation is about being transgendered, how she can't use public bathrooms and people are mean to her and it takes 3 hours to put on her makeup before she can leave the house.  There's no give and take.  I gave, she took.  I listened, she talked.  I drove, she rode.  She ate, I paid.   I got tired of it.  Am I wrong? I'm sure I'll be deluged with comments explaining how horrible I am (won't be the first time) but honestly I'm at my wit's end with T.
end rant.

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Next day edit:  I haven't gotten any negative feedback yet. But I want to reframe this. If you are up at arms because I don't want to be friends with someone transgendered...
Imagine that had a male friend, A.  He died.  His twin sister, T, moved into his apartment to take care of his cat and fell in love with A's bisexual girlfriend and basically stepped partially into A's life.  Because of my affection for A, I tried to be friends with T.  But she was needy and greedy and rude, and she cyber-stalked me, and finally I had to admit the friendship wasn't working out. If I frame it this way, are you still angry? 

how to be fat and canker-sore free with one medicine

Another promising new weight loss drug (soon to be shot down in flames) is a canker-sore ointment that, when ingested, causes weight loss WITHOUT DIETING OR EXERCISE. And it's already off patent/generic. This could be as HUGE as the people who will want to take it. And even better for the drug companies, you have to take it FOREVER or gain all the weight back. Is this the miracle drug we've all been waiting for or is it doomed to be another massive disappointment?
Here's the juicy bit:
In the study at the University of Michigan, researchers gave mice a high-fat diet, and they became obese. They then injected the animals with a drug called amlexanox, which has been on the market for more than 15 years to treat canker sores. The mice lost weight, even though they kept eating the same number of calories. When they were taken off the drug, the mice gained all the weight back.
If it really works this way on people, and it has no hideous side effects, and it's cheap (GENERIC!) who cares if you have to take it forever?
But speaking of hideous side effects:
One concern will be whether these drugs, by increasing energy expenditure and body temperature, may have unintended consequences on other systems, such as the heart.
Oh, well, you know, my heart's gonna fail from being so fat anyway, at least I'd be able to move the last few years of my life with less fat on me, right?

(Original URL
http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/10/health/mice-weight-loss-drug/?hpt=he_c1
Accessed  12 Feb 2013, screenprint here)

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Rosie in the snow

We spent all weekend digging out from about 3 feet of snow (deposited in ONE DAY, crazy). Many streets in my town are still unplowed to the point that snowplows themselves can't make it through and only payloaders can do the job. Supposedly the National Guard is coming (everyone says it, can't find anything official) to dig out the state.  The state's roads were closed (massive fines for driving) until 4 p.m. yesterday but what did it matter when you couldn't get out anyway? 
My street was "plowed" so narrow that it's impossible to get out of any driveways; you back up and immediately hit the 8 foot high snowbank on the other side while the front of your car is still between the 8' snowbanks to either side of your driveway. It is insane. My husband basically slammed our SUV in and out of drive/reverse and crashed into snowbanks (while I attacked same with shovel) to get out earlier today after 5-6 hours of shoveling and snowblowing to clear our long driveway and dig out the vehicle. I had to get dog food for my mom (for her DOG, not for HER to eat) but her street wasn't plowed and neither is the one leading to it so she walked to meet me.
Lot of people walking along the main roads, some carrying purchases, some with gas cans.  I saw one lady with several children, all in pajamas, carrying a redbox DVD.  Really, you risked your kids' lives (and didn't bother dressing them properly) to walk two miles to get a MOVIE?  Walking along a busy state road that's one and a half lanes wide and now you're taking up that half lane being on foot?  for a movie? 
It's really crazy. Random stores are open (I saw 2 closed Dunkin Donuts, the one that was open had no food, only coffee, probably the donut truck didn't even try to get there), random streets are plowed, people are taking their snowblowers to the street and getting themselves out since no snowplow or payloader has ever come since Friday when the snow started.
My husband and I are both fat-asses and when it comes to something physical like shoveling and snowblowing 3 plus feet of snow (some drifts higher than my head), we are useless and basically hurt ourselves.  We were totally willing to pay someone, anyone, but there is no one to pay.  People who plow with pick-up trucks can't even get out of their own driveways and anyway their street isn't plowed.  My neighbors have bigger snowblowers than me but they also have long driveways and multiple vehicles to dig out.  
We did have more snow in our yard a few years ago, but it didn't all fall in one night (we had a big snowstorm every few days that winter).  You run out of places to put the snow, the whole front yard is snow with a narrow tunnel to the front steps and a narrow tunnel along the public sidewalk.  If I gain a few pounds I don't think I'll fit, honestly.
The governor and town mayors are all saying "stay home tomorrow, only absolutely essential businesses and employees should go to work" and yet the pool says they will be open.  I don't know if I want to try to get out, drive all the way there (I don't know how bad the back roads leading to the facility will be) only to find that maybe the pool isn't essential after all.  
(photo source picture 25/109 and yes, the snow is against the glass at that height)

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discount on underwater mp3 player expires Monday

Not a sponsored post. I'm just passing on a code.  This is the underwater MP3 player I currently use (I actually have 2, I bought an extra one during the last promo) and it's great.  The only thing I don't like is that the clip is very weak and I had to replace it when it broke, with a binder clip held on by an elastic band and some thread.
It is truly tiny, the size of a pack of dental floss, and I attach it to my hair clip at the back of my head.

UwaterG4 -World's Smallest Waterproof MP3 & Earphones!!

Special Holiday Promotion  Get your 20% Discount + FREE BONUS Gift- Here's How: Simply check link below and insert this discount coupon code at shopping cart: swimG4.  Remember to click "Apply Discount" before checking out. Valid through midnight Mon Dec 3, 2012. http://www.gearedtobefit.com/pd_uwaterg4_metallic_black.cfm

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cheap, fast, or good--pick any two

I got an email a couple of days ago inviting me to write a few paragraphs about my experiences with weight loss, for L.A. Bariatrics of Marina Del Rey, and what advice I would give others trying to lose weight.  I don't really know what they want, but here goes.

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When you want to lose weight, you have to take stock of your life and your environment and see what variables you can control and what ones you cannot.  I believe there are 3 major components to weight loss; I see them as sliders on a big mixing board:  food quality, food quantity, and exercise.
Maybe you really hate to exercise, or you've blown out your knees trying, or you're just so fat it's not possible right now.  So that slider is set to the minimum.  That means you have to concentrate on your intake.  If you eat good quality food (fruits, veggies, fiber, complex carbs) , you can usually eat more food--those sliders seem to move together.  If you eat poor quality food (processed, simple carbs, fried), you'll have to eat less of that food.
You need to play around with the balance.  Obviously the optimal setting would be mid-range for all.  Once in a while, you have some poor quality (but tasty!) foods in small quantities and you get a small amount of exercise each day.  If you like to eat a lot all the time of all foods, then you need to ramp up your exercise.  Something's gotta give.  It's like the repair shop sign my uncles used to display:  "Repairs can be fast, cheap, or good--pick any two."  You can eat a lot, you can eat poor quality food, or you can be lazy.
junk food + lazy = not much food
Lots of food + lazy= no junk food
Good quality food + exercise = lots of food
Obviously you can play with the balance day by day.  If you're going to a fair and you'll be walking around all day, eat some horrible fried thing (this year I saw fried Kool-aid!  Yuck), but just a little of it.  If you're going to the all-you-can-eat buffet, make good choices if you want to load up your plate, or be prepared to hit the gym extra later on.  It's really common sense.  And it's YOUR body and YOUR sense of what works and what doesn't.  The scale will tell you.  How you feel physically will tell you.  (I crave ice cream but when I eat it, although it tastes great, in an hour I feel like crap.)  How your clothes fit will tell you.
And here is a weird bit of advice from someone who blogs her every thought & deed (no filter between my brain and my typing fingers!)...you might not want to tell anyone you're trying to lose weight.
But, but, but...I need support, Rosie, you cry to me in an email.  Fine, I will support you, my email address is below.  In person, though, it's a different story.  People don't understand.  They don't know the details of the regime you're on (whether it's the 3 part slider scale I offered above, something assigned by a bariatric doctor, or surgery, or a commercial weight-loss program) and they make assumptions.  Maybe you're having a heavy-exercise, bad-food day.  "I thought you were on a diet.  Why did you order dessert?"  and "Why do you work out so much, you're going to hurt yourself."  When you're having a quality food day, "All that rabbit food is no good for you." "you've lost enough weight, eat some real food."  "Why don't you treat yourself?"
People think they are helping but they insidiously undermine you.  They  might not even realize it.  You'd think your fat friends would be the most supportive, but no, nobody wants to be the fattest friend, they want to keep you fat as possible.  Your thin friends don't want you to get thinner and prettier than them and be in competition.  
You are losing weight for YOURSELF. It's nobody's business how or why you are doing it.  If someone says, "hey you look good, did you lose weight?" You can just say yes and change the subject.  In fact a friend of mine (who is doing the same weight loss program I am) posted an article that it's really in bad form to compliment people on weight loss.  To say "you look good" implies that you looked like crap before.  And what if the person isn't dieting, what if she's sick and pointing out her weight loss is a faux pas of massive proportions?  Can you imagine: "Hey, Marie looks so good, how much weight has she lost?"  "She has cancer."  Oops.

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So I hope this is of use to you, my loyal readers, and also to the people at L.A. Bariatrics.

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strength as a bad thing

I went out with a good friend of mine today.  We have a lot in common.  We are both fat (she had weight loss surgery but it didn't really take) and we have no fathers and we've been through a lot of medical stuff with our families.  My dad had dementia and when we finally put him in a nursing home, my grandma had a stroke and had to move in with  my mom so we were dealing with both of them at once.  They are both gone now and yes, it's a relief to have a breather after 9 years of care giving.   My friend's mom used to be in the military and after she broke her foot she just kept walking on it until she was crippled, and then once she was in a nursing home she got dementia.  She died, and then my friend's aunt got dementia (and her aunt had no children, so my friend cared for her too)--we were both going through all this at the same time.  So, totally, been there, done that.  For both of us, this is our first year of holidays free of caregiving.
And now enter the problem with my mother in law.  We spent a lot of time talking about it tonight.  My friend had this to offer, and she is so right:  that she and I are very strong willed people, who see what needs to be done and step up and do it.  We have (or had) very strong willed mothers also.  My mother-in-law is weak (she sees herself as a victim and as helpless and always has) and she didn't raise strong children.  Confronted with her ongoing medical issues, they have basically just caved in.  My sister-in-law admitted that the family is afraid of my "clarity of vision" and strength of will.
So instead of depending on me, leaning on my strength and experience, they are turning on me and using it against me.   That baffles me.  But I think my friend is right.   She said that I should just say, "Why don't you just leave her alone in the hoard, don't clean it up, don't run over there every 5 minutes, don't do anything. Let nature take its course."  Because she'll die in that hoard and maybe that's what she wants.
It just really hurts me that they can all look me in the eye and say "give whatever advice you want, we're not going to listen because she's sick and we have to follow her wishes exclusively."  Yes, even when those wishes are detrimental to her health!
Except in jobs with weak bosses, this is the only time in my life I've been punished for being strong and seeing what needs to be done.  It's crazy.  But I'm going to keep thinking "let nature take its course" and taking a deep breath....

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I don't wanna go to your pity party (off topic)

If you're my friend on Facebook, you know I've been losing my mind the last few weeks. (If you aren't my FB friend, why not?  I'm funny over there too.  Friend me & Follow me.)   There's an out-of-control situation with my husband's family that is making me quite literally insane. It's messing with my weight loss too--not because I"m eating out of control, but because my stress hormones are through the roof.  It's not appreciated by me on many fronts.
This is what's going on.  I'll try to NUTSHELL it, although it's fairly impossible.  My mother-in-law is a hoarder, a typical one like you see on TV, lost her husband and then lost her mind and stopped cleaning, stopped caring, sunk into depression....over FORTY years ago.  IMHO: Get over it.  Throw out your trash and start living your life.
She doesn't like me much.  I know this because last year she wrapped my Christmas gift in white tissue paper and wrote my name on it with a black Sharpie, and then I found out she didn't even BUY me the gift, my sister-in-law did.  My future sister-in-law (my brother-in-law's fiance)'s gift was wrapped in lovely paper with a nice tag that I'm sure MIL picked out herself.  Oh, and she took FSIL & SIL to the opera, invited them both in front of me, and didn't invite me.  Not that I give a crap about the opera, but it's the POINT. 
Another example, it was my husband's birthday and she wanted to have lunch with him.  She picked one of those little fried fish/hot dog places that are everywhere in New England (knowing my absolute hatred of fish).  He went to pick her up, with me in the car.  She came out and tried to get into the passenger seat.  I was already in it.  She stared at me and then said "Oh, I didn't think you were coming."  In other words, "I picked this place because I thought you wouldn't eat there" (which is her usual MO).  I stared back at her and said "I'll walk home if you don't want me here" (cuz truth is, I don't LOVE that place, and wouldn't pick it, but they make a decent hot dog) and she got all flustered and said I didn't have to do that.  I wanted to go home and cry or punch something, I was so sad and angry. 
So there are 3 examples, just in the last year, of how my MIL doesn't like me.
Now she is sick.  I honestly don't know what's wrong, I think she has a brain tumor or possibly early stage dementia.  My husband agrees.  His sister and brother don't.  Therefore no one is taking her to the doctor and she's got no diagnosis and no treatment.  She is filthy (stinky) and incoherent and claims to be blind (that's a long story; I don't believe she is blind.  I think she has some kind of hysterical blindness or the dementia/tumor is in her visual cortex because 2 eye docs say her eyes are fine).  She shouldn't be living alone.  She can't drive.  She won't do anything for herself.  My husband is her slave right now.  It's pissing me off.  She's milking this illness, being deliberately manipulative.  And I've VERY familiar with dementia, unfortunately, and dementia patients aren't crafty enough mentally to manipulate this masterfully when they are as far gone as she pretends to be. If you can follow that. 
Here's a typical exchange.  He calls her. "It's time to go eat at Rosie's mom's house."  Response: some kind of hysteria, I don't feel well, I can't possibly go.  He races to her house.  She breaks down crying, her usual victim-mentality pity-party, no one loves her, she's blind and old and helpless.  My husband has to stay there and console her.  My mom cooked for 4 and now she's stuck with massive leftovers because MIL won't let my husband leave for half an hour to eat his supper.  MIL needs to get out of the house, she needs to go for a drive, so he drives her around while she cries and wails and feels sorry for herself and he tells her how wonderful she is.  (She sounds like a child when she acts like this, it's really annoying and very fake.)  She tells him how much I hate her and how I bully her and order her around and refuse to help her. (Because I told her to clean up her filthy house and I won't feel pity for her.)  She has anti depressants and refuses to take them!  "I don't need those" she said last time I was there filling her 7 day pill dispenser.  But when I went to wait in the car I could hear her crying and wailing about how mean I am and how horrible her life is.  Take your anti depressants, everyone takes them, who cares?  There's no stigma anymore.
Something along these lines literally has happened EVERY DAY for the past 3-4 weeks.  "You have to come now, I lost my glasses."  Run over there. "Oh, I found them."  She doesn't answer her phone, I get a dozen text messages screaming for me to see if she's dead in the hoard (we live near her, sadly).  She unplugged the phone, or shut off the ringer, or broke the charger, or lost the phone (pick one, it's different each time!).
My husband gets mad at ME.  "You don't help my mom."  "I offered to help her clean her house."  "No, that's ordering her around and telling her what to do.  She needs HELP."  "I offered to take her to a geriatric specialist doctor & find out what's really wrong with her"  "My sister says no."  Well, I'm not going over there while she cries and wails and whines like a child for attention and validation.  That's not helping her.  What would help her is getting her a correct diagnosis and treatment for whatever is wrong with her.  If it's dementia or a brain tumor it will only get worse and usually treatment only slows it down, doesn't restore lost function.

Right now we are doing her laundry (at our house of course), buying her groceries, driving her everywhere, buying her food in restaurants.  We can't afford it.   I'm so upset and depressed that I'm sleeping 16 or more hours a day and not doing anything constructive when I'm awake.  I get up at 6, go to the pool, come home at 9:30 and go back to bed until mid afternoon, then I eat something and read and then go back to bed. My husband works 60 miles away, he's gone 12-14 hours on a GOOD day and then he has to go over there for several hours after work EVERY DAY and more on the weekend.
Something's gotta give and I'm seriously worried that it's going to be my sanity or my husband's health.  
Nothing constructive can be done with this situation until she has a diagnosis.  She doesn't want to go to any doctors that aren't eye doctors (and she doesn't even have another appointment with any of them, they've already signed off saying she's not blind).  She won't clean her house until she can see.  I can't spring into action with my patented Rosie the Manager plans until we know what is going on.  I tried using my plans, such as they are, based on nothing, and that only got me scorn and hatred (you order me around!  you're a meanie!).
I spent the most of the last 10 years taking care of a sick father (who had dementia) and a sick grandmother. I'm done with caregiving for the immediate future.  If that makes me selfish, so be it.  My MIL has THREE children who could be helping her and 2 are refusing and that's not fair.  I've got nothing left to give anymore--my mom better stay healthy for a long time! 
Now I'll shut up and go be fat somewhere else.

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